'AITA for not inviting my brother to my daughter's birthday party?'
"AITA for not inviting my brother to my daughter's birthday party?"
I (37m) have PTSD from a rough childhood that involves my older sister. I opened up about it roughly 1.5 years ago and have been dealing with the fallout since. I've had a lot of therapy and am doing a bit better, I just still have a long way to go. But as a result, I have trust issues, and I've never really felt connected to anyone except for my wife and daughter.
When I opened up, my parents and brother were in panic mode, and understandably so. However, my family has completely failed to support me. My parents have trivialized the trauma and basically don't want to know anything about it.
They have made zero effort of supporting me. They are completely closed about everything and prefer to stick their heads in the sand. My brother had a ton of questions in the first few weeks, but it always felt like he was mostly questioning me ("I believe you, but..").
We haven't talked about it since. As a matter of fact, we've barely had any contact. I have seen him a total of 2 times this entire year, while we literally live 2 minutes away from each other. He asked me how I was once when I accidentally ran into him, but other than that, no messages asking how I'm doing, if there's anything he can do, nothing.
He was never really that involved much with the family to begin with, we'd only see each other on birthdays, holidays and family trips. But since my sister is still a happy/normal part of the family, I just distance myself from them. My daughter's 7th birthday is coming up, and when I asked whether she wanted to invite my brother and his family, she said no.
I asked her why, she didn't really have any reasons, she just didn't want to invite them. I've asked multiple times, but she stuck with her decision. I'm not surprised, because she hardly ever sees them and barely even knows them. We respect her decision, it's her day, it should be up to her. We've invited my wife's side of the family, a friend of us, and my parents. My brother is the only one that's not invited.
Just yesterday I got a text from my brother asking whether we were celebrating her birthday. I told him yes, and not wanting to lie, I explained that she didn't want to invite them despite asking her multiple times. I haven't heard from him since. And despite standing behind the decision, I still feel like an AH. So AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
organicfeedback4451 wrote:
Your call on the invite. But it is odd that you invite your parents who have been even less supportive than your brother.
OP responded:
It was her choice to invite them, she still cares about them so ultimately we're doing this for her.
DreamDaze709 wrote:
Protect your child. At seven, she clearly doesn’t feel comfortable with your brother so don’t push it. She is recognizing how they aren’t in your life or hers and she is making her choices. Dont feel bad. Feel proud that you raised a daughter who knows who is important in her life already.
OP responded:
I am incredibly proud of her. This all made me completely rethink what family is, and that isn't it. I'd rather surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. Not just for my own sake, but for hers as well.
JellyBelly1042 wrote:
NTA, it's her birthday, and she gets to celebrate how she'd like. Your brother can only be mad at himself that he doesn't know his niece well enough or spend enough time with her to be a person she considers inviting. From what I read, your daughter doesn't need to be around any of them.
shelbyeatenton wrote:
NTA. In regards to your brother, and without you needing to give an in depth answer, is it possible that whatever your sister did to you in your childhood she may have also done to your brother? Is it possible that that may be why he was asking specific questions and has backed off from contact with you, as that’s easier than admitting that what you went through he did also? It’s just a thought to consider.
iambecomesoil wrote:
YTA. You invited your less supportive parents and not your brother because...a 7-year-old who had no reasons is entirely in charge of the social calendar in your home? That's a real abdication of your responsibilities as a parent and of any decision making. Make your own decisions and stand by them. A 7 year old decided! Ha!
I also see you discuss how he hasn't been in contact (except when he has) but do not list at all how you have initiated contact with him in any way. Probably because you're sitting there expecting of the world what you are not doing yourself.
Darkslayer709 wrote:
YTA for hiding behind a 7-year-old little girl who doesn’t understand the magnitude of what you’re asking her. You say both your parents and your brother were unsupportive but why are your parents being given a pass?
Your daughter asked for them to be there because she knows them, she doesn’t know what your sister did, how unsupportive they were and even if she did, she is too young to fully understand just how serious that is and how inappropriate it is of you to make it her decision!
In later years when she looks back on it through older eyes she’s going to feel awful. Why would you ever put that responsibility on an innocent child? On your own daughter? Shame on you!