'AITA for not inviting my (former) close friend/SIL to my engagement party after our falling out?'

"AITA for not inviting my (former) close friend/SIL to my engagement party after our falling out?"

I (29F) am in the midst of a falling out with a former best friend (and also basically sister-in-law), Sophie (25F), and I’m struggling with how things ended and how to move forward as our partners are brothers.

In August, I switched careers to become a skin therapist, and Sophie’s younger sister, Emma (20F), agreed to be a model for me. On the day of her appointment, she completely ghosted me. I was confused and a little hurt, so I brought it up to Sophie—not in an accusatory way, just looking for reassurance that it wasn’t personal (I am very sensitive and was feeling rejected).

Instead of just saying something like, “Oh, I’m sure she didn’t mean anything by it,” Sophie immediately got defensive, saying I was trying to speak poorly about her sister. She completely shut me down and wouldn’t let me clarify.

Then she told me she couldn’t move past this because I’d apparently been “disrespectful” several times before—but she wouldn’t explain what those times were. She said she needed space, so I respected that.

After a week of silence, I reached out, saying I was really hurt by how she’d handled this and that if she was upset with me about something in the past, I wished she had addressed it at the time.

We went back and forth, but she kept twisting my words or making the issue about something else. I tried to call her, but she refused, saying she’d only talk when I was “calm and reasonable”—which was frustrating because I was calm.

After more silence, she finally agreed to a call. That’s when she brought up two past “issues” she had with me, and I was completely shocked by what she had been holding onto.

The first issue was about a miscommunication during trip planning. My partner and I planned a visit to Australia, where she and her partner (my partner’s brother) were traveling. We arranged most of the itinerary as they were busy traveling but double-checked dates and costs with them and even sent over a calendar before booking.

Later, she said they might not be able to spend one of the weekends with us due to a mix-up. I was frustrated because we had already booked an Airbnb and bought them festival tickets as a Christmas gift for that weekend.

I admit I sent one blunt text, saying “it couldn’t be more clear” in response to her saying the plans were unclear, but I apologized immediately after. This was well over a year ago, and I thought we had moved on.

The second issue really hurt, a situation that happened on a previous Fathers Day. It was my first Father’s Day after my dad passed, and I was struggling. Our plan was to spend the day at the cricket with our partners’ dad, and she also invited her friend Stacy, who had also recently lost her dad.

While Sophie and I were in the car together, her mom called, upset that she wasn’t home for Father’s Day. Sophie told her, “I want to support Stacy today since it’s her first Father’s Day without her dad.” I was sitting right there. After she hung up, I quietly said, “It’s my first Father’s Day too.” She brushed it off, and we moved on.

Later, I told her the comment really stung. I wasn’t blaming her, just being honest about how I felt. She apologized, and I thought that was the end of it. But now, over a year later, she’s saying I “snapped” at her that day and made her “question her character.”

This part really frustrates me—because if she felt guilty about her comment, that’s for her to reflect on. If my hurt feelings made her feel like a bad friend, isn’t that something she should sit with rather than blaming me for bringing it up?

We eventually met in person to talk in January, but it didn’t change anything. I clearly laid out my feelings, the timeline of events, and my questions about why she was still holding these things against me—but we didn’t get anywhere. We were at a standstill. She suggested taking time to think and maybe talking again later, but I haven’t heard from her since.

Meanwhile, she has told her version of the story to mutual friends and family, and I feel like I’ve lost a big part of my support system. I also feel like she’s trying to make herself the victim because she doesn’t want to take accountability. I understand her experience of the situation will be different from mine, and I want to honor that, but even just looking at the facts and timeline, it just doesn’t make sense.

Recently, we have been planning our engagement party, and I made the decision not to extend an invite to her. I am too hurt, and I don’t want to be upset seeing her on a day that is meant to be about celebration. I sense that people feel I should "keep the peace" but I feel so upset by the situation I still have a physical response to it, I get shaky, red, and feel like I am going to be sick. AITA for not inviting her?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Nisi-Marie said:

Has he told the doctor about the gnomes? Point blank, she’s not your friend. Let’s agree to accept that and move on. She is also your future sister-in-law, so you will have to be around her. Knowing that, you’ll have to prepare yourself to be polite, cordial, and leave it at that. Grown-ups have to be around people they dislike quite often, but it doesn’t mean we have to be their friends.

If you try to take a stand and not invite her, regardless of how good your reason is, it’s going to reflect poorly on you. Treat her like a distant relative and focus on living your best life.

jenorama_CA said:

Ugh, why are you putting so much energy into this relationship? It’s making you ill. It’s done and it’s time to move on.

OP responded:

Because I am obsessed with people pleasing and I don't want people to think badly of me. I have no idea how she could spin the narrative to make herself the victim but she has and that is really invalidating. BUT you're right (should probably book into therapy hah)

Lisa_Knows_Best said:

How does your husband feel about not inviting his brother's GF? He should be on the same page as you so all should be good. She's not a friend and not a kind person so dismissing her is what you should do. Leave her behind and have a lovely party.

OP responded:

He has been SO supportive but I am sad as it's impacting his relationship with his brother. I have tried to maintain my relationship with my BIL but obviously his loyalty lies with her.

wpgjudi said:

NTA. She is a bad friend. Especially with not even acknowledging it was your first father's day without your dad and now twisting that into being your fault. The miscommunication one was also her fault for not checking everything you sent her and not communicating a conflict. Your comment was... probably snide... but you -apologised- immediately for it.

That after asking her several times what incidents she had issue with still when she was so ready to tell you there were issues in the past with your behaviour... sounds like she said something to drag you down and gloss over her own failings at friendship.. and then had to scramble to come up with reasons.

OP responded:

She was supportive that day in other ways which I told her I was grateful and appreciative of but when she said that on the phone I felt SO invisible. I don't think it was intentional but I just wanted her to know that it hurt my feelings so I didn't feel resentful later. When she apologized I thought it was done and I had moved on but obviously she hadn't.

We'll keep you posted on any future updates!