Bride considers banning therapist sister from wedding over relentless attempts to 'fix' fiancé. AITA?
"WIBTA for not inviting my sister to my wedding because she keeps trying to 'fix' my fiancé?"
I (29F) am getting married next year to someone I truly adore. My fiancé (31M) is thoughtful, brilliant, and a little unconventional. He’s neurodivergent, though not formally diagnosed. He’s blunt, hates small talk, and gets deeply absorbed in his interests. He’s also the most loyal, gentle person I’ve ever met.
My sister (32F) is a therapist, and she’s always been the “fixer” in our family. Growing up, she was the one who knew what everyone “should” do, what career path made sense, who we should date, and how we should handle grief. Sometimes it helped. Sometimes it hurt.
Since meeting my fiancé, she’s made comments that feel less like concern and more like judgment: “He’s sweet, but you could do better.” “He just needs therapy to be more normal.” “Are you sure you want to marry someone like that?”
I’ve tried to explain that her words aren’t just unkind, they make me question whether she sees me clearly at all. I’m not asking her to understand every part of our relationship, but I do expect respect.
She says I’m being “too sensitive” and that she’s just being honest. Last week, she asked if she could give a speech at our wedding. I didn’t know what to say. I love her, but I don’t trust her not to turn our day into a subtle intervention.
I keep imagining her standing up and saying something “well-meaning” that makes my fiancé feel small. I’m torn. I don’t want to exclude her, she’s my sister, and we’ve shared so much. But I also don’t want to spend my wedding bracing for impact.
My parents think I’m overreacting. They say “she means well” and that I should just set boundaries. But I’ve tried. And I’m tired.
WIBTA if I didn’t invite her?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
A therapist who doesn’t understand boundaries? Sounds like a great therapist.
No, you don’t trust her. Yes, being a neurodivergent person is challenging but it doesn’t mean it is wrong, bad or diminishing. You see the beauty in being different why can’t she? Also, if it was a problem it is not her problem to solve.
And is also quite possibly ableist because she doesn't care to understand nuerodivergency, with her "he needs therapy to be normal" spiel. Tell your sister no, she can't give a speech, as you don't want the day bogged down with speeches. Then inform the DJ, MC, wedding coordinator, MOH, bridesmaids, venue, that your sister is not to be given a mic.
I would also, when she attempts another thoughtless intervention, that you tell her her views are no welcome as you find them offensive and hurtful. That if she refuses to listen that you will be forced to implement a boundary, that you will limit contact with her. The only way she will understand is by action. Your respectful words have been dismissed, so you have to make changes to your own behaviour now.
Ask the therapist if she is familiar with the Saviour Complex. Ask her if it sounds familiar. YWNBTA for distancing yourself from someone who is more concerned with achieving her personal goal of fixing someone who is not broken than she is in supporting her sister.
As a licensed therapist, she should know that it is unethical to treat, counsel, or psychoanalyze family and friends. I'm a mean petty person. I would threaten to turn her in to the state licensing board for unethical practices if she doesn't back off.
As to the wedding invite, invite her. If you don't, she's going to cause more trouble in the future for your marriage and your relationship with your family. Do NOT let her give a speech.
She will definitely cause a scene and humiliate your future husband. Do NOT let her talk at your wedding.
Agreed. Tell her explicitly why. Tell her that she is minimizing your effort to curb her criticisms/suppose therapy. And that based on that you cannot trust her to be celebratory in her speech. Tell her as a therapist, she should understand your perspective. Make sure you tell your motherto stay at her own lane, because I feel she will interfere on this too.
I’d tell her, “NO, you may not give a speech at my wedding.” Then I’d tell your MOH and bridesmaids to shut that down (by whatever means necessary) if she attempts to give a speech anyway.
Anyone that claims that you’re too sensitive is actually saying, “sorry but not sorry because my opinion is more important than yours.” Telling a person that, “you’re just being honest” isn’t a get out of jail for free card. And being a therapist isn’t an excuse to be mean and rude. The lack of respect for you, your fiancé and your relationship is inexcusable.
Talk to your fiancé. He's the one constantly being belittled. Imagine your wife's sister up there, ripping your character to shreds in front of your family! She's a bad therapist and an even worse human.
Just sit down with her and tell her to stop with the comments. Dont let her try and gaslight her. Tell her it's not a discussion- if she wants you in her life she will 100% stop any and all comments on your fiancé that aren't totally positive. As for the speech, Tell her you need to see it beforehand and if she changes anything or makes any snide comments she will be escorted out and you will go NC.
Can't she come with the understanding of no speech? Or do you think she'll still take the opportunity to grandstand somehow? Stick up for yourself. It amazes how pushy some people can be. Its low grade bullying.