'AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding?' 'She ALWAYS makes everything about herself.'

"AITA for not inviting my sister to my wedding because she always makes everything about herself?"

So I (29F) am getting married next fall. I’m super excited! And planning has been stressful, but fun. I LOVE hosting and party planning, so having a huge, well planned wedding means a lot to me.

The issue is my sister (31F). For as long as I can remember, she’s had a really awful habit of hijacking big events. For example, at my college graduation, she announced her engagement during the dinner (she dated the guy for two months and they broke up a week after my graduation).

At my fiancé’s birthday last year, she revealed she was pregnant (she later miscarried, which was awful, but the timing of the announcement was still really inappropriate).

The final straw was at my parents’ anniversary party, when she got really, really drunk and started laughing at my parents speech when the speech was clearly not at a laughing part. (her apology was half-hearted at best and definitely in that “popular girl” “opps sorry” way, if that makes sense).

This is part of the problem, a lot of what she does is hard to explain. It’s all in the mannerisms and tone but I know what she’s doing. I feel it in my soul. I love her, but it’s become a pattern: every milestone turns into her stage.

When it came to my wedding, I just couldn’t handle the idea of something I’ve waited for my whole life for being overshadowed. Especially since hosing and party planning means so much to me. My fiancé agrees.

After a lot of guilt and back-and-forth, I decided not to invite her. I told her privately, and she lost it. She called me selfish, said I was tearing the family apart, and that she’d “never forgive me.” Here's the thing; I know she won't. But I don't know if I care. My parents are furious at me and say I’m being “vindictive” and “childish” but again, I don’t know if I care.

I feel awful, but I also feel relieved? Like this is the only way to protect the day. A part of me knows I am being an ahole, but am I being too big of an ahole? Please give your opinions! I need to know if I’m being ridiculous.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Easy-Distribution-96 said:

You know your family and you are allowed your boundaries. She has always shown she will trample any boundary with no thought to the damage. If you stick to her not going, and I think you should, you'll always be an ahole to her. Even if you invite her now she will use the occasion to talk about how you initially banned her and still make the day about her. Stick to keeping her uninvited.

introspectiveliar said:

NTA. But I would point out to my parents that this is a direct result of their failure to shut her down when she does these attention grabs. So if they want to be upset, they should focus their anger inwards. If she always does this and always gets away with it, then it isn’t just her behavior that is the problem.

My guess is you blindsided her with this. (I am not saying that is your problem/fault - just what I expect her reaction was.). And you may be right, she may never forgive you. That may be fine with you. She sounds exhausting.

On the chance you aren’t fine with that, I am curious, have your parents sat her down, told her that her behavior was unacceptable and would not be tolerated going forward? Have they followed through on this?

Has she ever suffered any consequences when she behaves like this? At her age she should understand how inappropriately she behaves. But if bad behavior is always tolerated, people seem to assume it is OK to act like that.

If you just say “you aren’t invited because you always behave badly”and this is the first time she is hearing how her behavior is a problem, then you can’t expect her to learn from this. And I don’t think it is your job to address it. But you may want to talk to your parents about their role in this. There may be a way to resolve it without banning her entirely.

NotAtAllExciting said:

NTA. You know her better than most. She’s proven repeatedly that she must be the centre of attention. I have one of those too. We are LC now. I put up with it for too long.

InternetMama said:

NTA! She has a documented history of making every 'big event' about her, regardless of the reason for said event. Your parents can be mad all they want. It's not THEIR wedding. If they want to call you names, just remind them of all those times Sis decided to make everything about herself at the last three gatherings. Then keep your boundary in place!

Winterwynd said:

NTA. Seconding the security and adding a reminder to reach out to your vendors, venue, dress shop, etc. to set up passwords. Your sister or parents may try to cancel or make changes to screw things up. Good luck!

ServelanDarrow said:

NTA. Invite who you like, this is adult life. And congratulations.