'AITA for not inviting my sister's BF to my wedding because of his tattoos? He's changed.' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for not inviting my sister's boyfriend to my wedding because of his tattoos, even though he's changed?"

I (27M, white) am getting married this summer to my fiancé (29F, Black). Were super excited, and honestly, planning a wedding as an interracial couple has had its ups and downs, some family members weren't thrilled at first, but over time, most have come around.

Here's the problem: my sister (25F) has been dating her boyfriend who we will call P (30M) for about a year. P has a complicated past, he spent time in prison when he was younger, and during that time, he got heavily tattooed, including very visible r--ist tattoos. I'm talking sw@$tikas, white p-wer symbols, etc.

Now, to be fair, P has openly said he regrets his past. He's tried to distance himself from that chapter of his life, and my sister swears he's completely reformed. But heres the thing, he still has all the tattoos. They're on his neck, hands, arms, unavoidable. My fiancé has made it clear she would feel extremely uncomfortable having P at the wedding, and honestly, so would I.

My fiancé's family, many of whom I love dearly would be absolutely horrified to see someone covered in those symbols at whats supposed to be a joyful, welcoming celebration. I pulled my sister aside and explained gently that while I appreciate that P has changed, his appearance still carries a lot of pain and meaning, and I don't feel comfortable having him there.

I invited her but asked that P sits this one out. She flipped out, said I was being unforgiving, that if we believe people can change, I shouldn't punish him forever, and that by excluding him, I'm basically just as prejudiced. She told me if P isnt invited, she's not coming either.

Now my parents are involved, saying I'm blowing this out of proportion and risking a family blowup over something that doesn't mean anything anymore. My fiancé says she understands its complicated, but she's quietly grateful I took this stance. So AITA for refusing to invite someone with r@#ist tattoos, even though he's supposedly left that ideology behind?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Madamunicornofdoom wrote:

If he has changed…has he considered tattoo removal, cover ups…anything?

OP responded:

He has considered it but he has quite a lot of tattoos and they're not in the financial position to cover/remove them at the moment.

ETA:

Now that you mentioned this though I might discuss having the makeup artist cover his tattoos up with makeup for the day.

Powerful-Respond605 wrote:

There are organisations that will assist in coverups of reformed r-cists. There's also coverup makeup that can be done. If he can't see the pain those tattoos and symbols cause, he hasn't actually changed. NTA.

OP responded:

Yes I actually just thought of using makeup to cover them up, it might actually be a nice idea so that he could attend.

As for those organisations would you be so kind to tell me where I can look that up? I'd like to see if there are some local ones that could help.

rockette wrote:

NTA. Theres tattoo removal, tattoo coverups and make up that covers tattoos that are all options for him. I know former racists who still have their ink as they use it as a lesson to others but that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Your parents are more worried about your sister/her partner than you, your fiance and her family.

GrandPipe5878 wrote:

Your sister will not be the most important person at your wedding. Your wife holds that position. HER feelings matter. Her family's feelings matter equally as much as your sister's feelings. You are not excluding your sister, but you are excluding the ex-racist boyfriend. If sister chooses not to come, so be it.

Desperate-Fee_1180 wrote:

NTA. This 30M boyfriend OF ONE YEAR needs to be creative in finding a long term solution to his previous life’s stupidity. Like seriously! Oh, and your (presumably) white family is having a hard time understanding how racist tattoos can be huge blowup point for your black wife and her black family at an interracial wedding?

I hate to say it but you’re surrounded by morons who are failing to see how harmful this is because those tattoos don’t directly affect or address them. Having a makeup artist cover him up is a good compromise but HE needs to pay for it. Your family needs to back off regardless and focus their attention on why they’re so willing to let those tatts slide.

One day later, OP shared an update.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for all the thoughtful comments and advice on my original post. I really appreciated hearing so many perspectives, and it helped me work through this situation more calmly and fairly. After sitting with it for a bit, I decided to have an open, honest conversation with my sister and her boyfriend, P.

I explained to them (again) why his tattoos were such a big concern, especially given the context of me marrying my Black fiancé, with many Black family members and friends attending. I emphasized that it wasnt about punishing P or refusing to acknowledge that people can change, but rather about making sure the day felt safe, welcoming, and joyful for everyone present.

To my surprise, P was incredibly understanding. He acknowledged that even though he's no longer the person who got those tattoos, they still carry real meaning and can cause pain just by being seen. He said he didn't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable on such an important day, and he offered to do whatever he could to help.

After some discussion, we all agreed on a compromise: on the wedding day, our makeup artist will help cover up as many of his visible tattoos as possible. On top of that, P will wear long sleeves and high collars to keep things discreet. My sister was clearly relieved we found a solution that included him without ignoring the valid concerns.

My fiancé is grateful too she told me she feels respected and supported by the way this was handled, which honestly means the world to me. I'm so glad we were able to come to an agreement that balances grace, growth, and sensitivity, without cutting people out or creating bigger rifts.

Thank you again, internet, for helping me navigate this, sometimes just reading different viewpoints really helps clarify what matters most. And a special thank you to everyone who suggested the makeup as a solution, and helping us reach out to local tattoo places or charities that might be able to help P get his tattoos removed/covered up with his current financial position.

The internet was happy to hear an update.

ScarletteMayWest wrote:

So glad a calm, honest conversation worked!

Good luck with all the wedding planning!

OP responded:

I am very glad too, I wasn't very hopeful after my sister's initial reaction but I'm glad she and P were willing to work with us on that.

Reasonable-Bad-769 wrote:

Honestly, I'm still in shock your parents sided with your sister on this. Or how any sane person would be okay with hate tattoos on full display. Bonkers. Glad it all worked out for you, however I still think your family low key sucks for their position on this aka willingness to allow your wife and family to feel unsafe. Be careful there.

AKAlicious wrote:

You might ask the Makeup artist to test out the cover up products on the boyfriend before the big day. The last thing you need is to have planned it perfectly, but it all gets screwed up because the makeup isn't as opaque as you expected.

Rich-Respond662 wrote:

I’m still questioning your sister’s character, sorry. I get that her bf has changed, but there was no way for her to know that when she was approached by a man with visible racist tattoos and decided to give him a chance romantically.

Glad everything worked out though.