My sister is 33f and childfree. We have an older sister, 36f, who loves kids and has 3 of her own. 36f told me that when she told 33f she was pregnant the very first thing 33f said was "I'm not babysitting", despite her not asking her to do anything, baby related or otherwise, outside of this.
Despite this she made an effort to keep 33f up to date in all 3 pregnancies but says she seemed indifferent. 33f doesn't let the kids call her "aunt", only her first name, and calls them brats/rugrats/anklebiters. She says it's all from a place of love and it's just her sense of humour but 36f has sort of avoided 33f being around the kids because of this.
I (29f) am pregnant. My wife and I have been trying for a while (sperm donor) and found out we were successful with our last attempt. I am currently 6 months along. 36f was really happy for me when I told her and congratulated both of us. She also talked about how excited she was to be an aunt, asked me about name ideas, wanted to know the due date and updates and was generally really enthusiastic.
I didn't bother telling 33f. We just saw each other in person after my belly starting showing and she directly asked if I was pregnant, and I said "yes". She asked when I was due and I told her, and then she nodded and started asking me about work. That was the whole baby conversation.
A couple days ago I had a sonogram. I showed it to 36f and she asked what everyone else in our family thought, which is when I realised that I'd neglected to tell a lot of family, mainly the ones in mum's home country.
Mum passed away several years ago but her relatives (aunts/uncles/cousins) kept in touch, so I posted the sonogram on facebook and a message confirming what the sonogram was. I got a positive response and a lot of support from mum's family.
Shortly after this 33f privately messaged me. She basically said that she was really upset I wasn't including her the way I'm including 36f and she was hurt that extended family saw the sonogram at the same time as her and she felt excluded.
I then responded that if I thought she had any interest at all whatsoever I would absolutely include her in this stuff but she doesn't like kids or babies or pregnancies so I'm not making effort to include her.
She then responded that it's unfair of me to talk to 36f about this but not to her and wants to be more involved, but I honestly don't know if I want her involved. She's my sister, I love her, but she clearly doesn't give a sh!t about the whole concept of having kids. AITA for not caring to involve her?
Info: My sister's 3 kids are 7 years, 3 years, and 8 months. She's made the babysitting comment for all 3 pregnancies, despite 36f never asking her to do anything child related as she made it clear since her teen years that she doesn't like/want kids.
[deleted] said:
YTA only because you are treating her a certain way based on her relationship with her older sister, not with you. I never really picked up her not being interested or dismissive about your pregnancy, yet you treat her like she is? Why?
If she had acted a certain way towards YOU specifically, I'd say NTA. But I think you are coming off as cold and judgemental for a situation that never involved you.
OP responded:
"I never really picked up her not being interested or dismissive about your pregnancy, yet you treat her like she is? Why?"
Just that as soon as I confirmed I was and gave her the due date she just immediately changed subject and never brought it up again. I've not told her things but she's not asked, either. I'm pretty sure the only time we've talked about the pregnancy was the initial conversation where she asked 2 questions and that was it.
No asking for updates, no acknowledgment when I tell her I've had an appointment, no further questions or congratulations. She's my sister, I love her, but she just never seemed to care about the whole thing.
coastalshelves said:
YTA Come on, it's super weird to not even tell your sister you're pregnant. Just because she doesn't care that much about kids doesn't mean she doesn't care about you. And from her perspective, the demonstrative amount of distance you're keeping probably looks malicious. How hard is it to call your sister and tell her you're pregnant?! Honestly.
bethfromHR said:
NAH. This is your pregnancy, and you get to decide who is involved and to what extent, especially if those people could cause undue stress on you.
That said, if your relationship with your sister is good outside of this, consider giving her the benefit of the doubt and an opportunity to be supportive. Your experience with her might be different than your oldest sister's.
[deleted] said:
Would it really hurt all that much to send her a text when you hit milestones?
And OP responded:
Honestly I wouldn't mind doing that and I might well do it going forward, I just didn't think she'd care, but clearly I was mistaken.
BumDragon said:
YTA, you’re sister isn’t interested in pregnancy but is interested in you. She may not be as enthusiastic as your oldest sister but she still seems to care.
tiggahiccups said:
People think issues like this are so black and white. They're not. Truth is you're setting boundaries with your sister to prevent her from hurting your feelings/being a bitch about you having kids, which is understandable because she's that way with your sister too.
You aren't obligated to tell anyone anything about your personal life. Im not sure what she expected but she's being silly if she thinks this came out of nowhere. She knows how she feels about kids.
And Karlshammar said:
NTA. You're treating her the same as the rest of your extended family, which seems appropriate. If, as your sister, she wants more information she can easily ask for that.
badwlf55 said:
YTA but i feel like you let your 36yo sister get in your head about it. Keep her in the loop even if she doesn’t like kids. I’m sure she felt sh!tty being left out.
Commenters are mixed. What do you think?