'AITA for not keeping our daughter up so that my husband could video call her while he's away?'
"AITA for not keeping our daughter up so that my husband could video call her while he's away?"
Hi, I've been conflicted about this, since last night, I've been feeling guilty but also I'm not sure if I'm totally in the wrong so I wanted some perspective.
My husband has had to go to Seattle this week due to work (we live in Boston, so he's 3 hours behind us). He flew there on Sunday. He'd told me he'd call when he gets done with work and their post-work lunch. He couldn't give a fixed time because apparently theres been some transition or acquisition happening, its been hectic for him, so he doesn't know when the day will end for him.
He called me around 11 pm EST. We talked for a while I asked how his day had been he said it had been a long one. He then asked to see our daughter (she's 3). I told him it was 11 here, she was asleep. He got a bit short with me, said he'd told me he was going to call, that I could have kept her up or given her a nap earlier.
I told him she had taken a short nap earlier but at 11, she goes to sleep regardless, and that I had no idea when he'd actually call. He just shook his head with very clear disappointment and said that after a long day he really wanted to talk to her and I could've been more considerate.
This part stung me because they both are really close to each other, he adores her, and she too is a total daddy's girl. I again said I'm sorry but I had no idea when he would call, if he'd given me some sort of tentative time even that would've helped. We kind of ended the call soon after. I've been thinking about this all day and been conflicted. AITA?
Adding this now: He just texted and said he meant to call during lunch break but got taken out by some executives for lunch. He said he'll call when he gets done at 5 pm his time, so 8 pm ours. I told him that works great. Last edit: So he talked to our daughter for a good 15-20 minutes, then we spoke too.
He was definitely less on edge today than yesterday so I was just going to chalk up yesterday to a long day at work and move past it, but he brought it up and said he was sorry for being short with me yesterday. I said it was all good. A sincere thanks for all your feedback I'd been feeling guilty and conflicted today and posting here and the responses helped.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
yellowjacket1996 wrote:
NTA. Him wanting you to wake up a three year old and deal with a cranky toddler isn’t considerate.
OP responded:
Just to be fair, I should clarify I did ask (sort of incredulously I guess) if he wants me to wake her up, and he said no don't wake her up now she's asleep, but again said I should have managed it better and had her up at that time.
Ok_Tonight3703 wrote:
Damn. He’s on a business trip not deployed in Iraq. I understand that he misses his daughter but it’s pretty selfish of him to expect you to keep a three year old past her bed time. He couldn’t even give you a definitive time so were you supposed to keep her up to all night?
Did he expect you to stay up until he called? Plus, some kids are very cranky if they stay up past their bedtime. Which means you would be the one dealing with a grumpy child. NTA. He’s the one who should be more considerate.
practical_primrose wrote:
NTA.
I think your husband was taking his long day out on you. I get being disappointed, but keeping a three year-old up until 11 PM local time is idiotic.
anxiousveggie13 wrote:
NTA, he is TA for thinking its okay to wake up a sleeping 3 year old at 11pm. Why would he put his own mental state above your daughter's mental state and health? AND yours for having to deal with a disregulated toddler after all that?
Few_House_5201 wrote:
NTA - it’s ridiculous of him to expect you to keep her up 3 or 4 hours past her bedtime! When I work away I always excuse myself for 5 minutes around 7pm and do a quick FaceTime with my wife and kids to say goodnight to the kids (they’re 5 and 3). It’s easily done no matter how busy things are.
Uubilicious_the_wise wrote:
What on earth??!! When myself or my partner have been away then we know what time bedtime is and we make sure to call before then. If we can't then we accept that and try to do better the next day. Often even calling in the morning.
You're NTA at all here. Your husband might be upset but he can't seriously expect you to keep your daughter awake until after 11pm so he can speak with her. I'd be livid if my spouse did that.