'AITA for not letting my daughter be around her mother?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my daughter be around her mother?"
When I was 24(M), I met Ellie (not her real name) at a party. She was the same age as me, and we hooked up for a while. We both knew it was casual. She told me she was on the pill, and I was using condoms. After some time, Ellie told me she had feelings for me and wanted us to be exclusive.
I told her that while I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else, I didn’t want to be serious with her. To be fair, we had nothing in common. I was a total dork, and she was the hot sorority girl—literally the opposite of me.
I explained that I was only at that party because of a friend; otherwise, I didn’t enjoy partying or drinking. I liked video games, reading books, and computer programming. She said she understood and asked if we could continue being friends with benefits, to which I agreed.
Not long after, Ellie told me she was pregnant. I was genuinely shocked! I told her I didn’t want a baby. She was pushing for us to get married because of her family (whom I’d never met). I told her no. I promised to support her and the baby financially but made it clear that I didn’t want any involvement (I was an a&^%ole).
She got very upset and tried harder, but I was serious—I didn’t want a baby. I cut all communication with her. The baby was born, and I was the jerk who didn’t show up for the birth or any appointments. When the baby was 2, Ellie showed up at my door, handed me the child, and said she couldn’t do it anymore.
She admitted she had messed with the condoms (I’m not sure how because I thought I would have noticed) hoping that the baby would bring us closer, but now she regretted everything. I got furious, and we fought, but she didn’t care—she just left.
Long story short, my girlfriend at the time left me, saying she hadn’t signed up for this. I considered adoption many times because I resented the baby (I even did a DNA test, hoping it would come back negative so I could get rid of her without feeling guilty).
Luckily, my boss at the time had a heart-to-heart talk with me and pushed me to see a therapist. I decided to get my act together and take responsibility. Today, that baby is 9, and she’s an incredible kid. We have our own routine, and she truly is amazing.
My issue : Ellie emailed me after all these years, saying she’s changed her mind. She wants to see our daughter and be a part of her life. She claims she’s changed and wants a second chance. She wants to play family with us. I told her she doesn’t deserve our daughter and to stay away.
Now, she’s going through everyone she can to try to convince me to change my mind. She’s even threatening to show up and tell our daughter that I didn’t let her be in her life (which is a complete lie—she abandoned her). Legally I have full custody but morally I feel guilty.
Everyone tells me that my daughter needs a mother. Where do you begin ? Should I just risk it and give her a chance knowing she might abandon her again?
Here's what people had to say after the initial post:
Talk to a child/family(?) therapist with experience in this area, and also a lawyer.
Hire a lawyer immediately. Do whatever you can legally to keep her away from your child. She abandoned her child. End of story.
Normal_Improvement19 OP responded:
Legally I have full custody. Morally I feel guilty because everyone tells me I’m being selfish and a little girl needs her mother and a female in her life
Every child does not need a mother. My childhood would have been much better without and maybe I wouldn't be such a mess today.
Your daughter is nine, what does she want? If she wants you to meet her mom, then please let her, don’t come in between even if it could hurt her. Don’t ever fight with her mom in front of her. Be honest to your daughter about your reservations and if your ex does screw up, be there for your daughter.
I had it the other way around, my dad abandoned us when I was 2.5 years old and wanted contact again when I was 9. My mom never got in between. She did meet with my dad before I met him and they agreed on certain rules.
My dad screwed up within 3 or so months and I cried my little heart out wondering why I was not good enough for him. Same hay again 5 years later, he lasted for about 6 months that time. And again when I was 22, after that I broke all contract myself. I was just over the man and his antics.
But looking back, I have the greatest respect for my mom, never bad mouthing my dad to me, never keeping me away from him. Letting me decide on my own relationship with him (within an agreed upon set of rules between them). It must have been very hard for her too, especially seeing him break my 9 yo and 14 yo heart and having to be there to pick up the pieces.
So if I were you, I’d ask your daughter what she wants. You can’t protect her forever. Just be there for her if and when she needs you. Because it may very well break her little heart, but it will make her stronger too.
Normal_Improvement19 OP responded:
I haven’t told her yet. She has no idea Ellie wants to see her.
A month later OP came back with this update:
I thought I’d give an update. I decided to talk to my daughter and ask what she thought about meeting Ellie. She said she’d like to meet her, so we arranged to meet at a restaurant.
Ellie was cordial and asked my daughter about her favorite things to do, school, and her friends. My daughter even asked Ellie if she has any other kids, and Ellie replied, “Yes, sweetie! You have two half-brothers.”
After our meeting, Ellie texted me to say thanks and asked if she could start seeing my daughter on a set schedule. I told her I wanted to take things slowly. Then she said, “Before we set anything up, maybe we should discuss child support for the time she’ll be with me.” I thought she was joking.
I replied, “I have full custody. I’m not paying you to visit your own child!” She got angry, saying, “You’re still the same selfish jerk as before! I have two other kids and am raising them alone! Now I finally connect with my daughter, and you’re being a deadbeat.”
At first, I thought it was a prank, but it turns out she has serious money problems. It seems she was hoping to get shared custody so I’d start paying her, essentially to babysit her own daughter. I told her if that was her plan, she wouldn’t get a dime from me. She kept insulting me and eventually blocked me.
Since then, my daughter has asked several times what happened to Ellie. I just told her that Ellie must be busy and that if she contacts me, I’ll let her know. Ellie is banned from ever contacting my daughter until she an adult and decide for herself.
Here's what people had to say after the update:
What a miserable excuse for a human being.
Right? Prioritizing money over reconnecting with her own daughter is just low. Definitely dodged a bullet there.
Normal_Improvement19 OP responded:
As soon as she realized she can’t use my daughter for extorting money, she abandoned her again.
I think some family therapy with your daughter might be a good idea. It might help her come to terms with how awful her incubator is.
Wow she’s crazy. Also, if she wanted shared custody she would need to go through the courts. At least now you know why she tried to get back in your life. She wanted to use you for money. Honestly she should be paying you child support.
File for child support since you have full custody.
Normal_Improvement19 OP responded:
She is broke! No point wasting my time. I have a really good job.
Talk to that lawyer about a possible restraining order - keep her away from your daughter officially - think going to school and demanding parent rights, after school activities, etc.
Normal_Improvement19 OP responded:
That’s a great idea ! Yes
Damn, what a trash woman. She really deluded herself into thinking she could get child support through her daughter, and exploited the poor girls desire for a maternal connection to try for this. What an absolute disgusting piece of work.
Normal_Improvement19 OP responded:
My sister thinks she saw pics of my daughter and I ( like vacations , activities,..) on social media ( either stalking or through someone ) and decided to solve her money problem by extorting money .