'AITA for not letting my bridesmaid change out of her bridesmaid dress after the ceremony?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my bridesmaid change out of her bridesmaid dress after the ceremony?"
I (27 F) am getting married in 6 weeks and I was asked by one of my bridesmaids if they could change out of their bridesmaid's dress into a black dress after the ceremony because she's uncomfortable in color.
A little background, all of my bridesmaids are wearing a dusty blue. I allowed them to pick whatever style of dress they wanted; my request is that they all wear the blue and length needs to be long.
The reason she feels uncomfortable is because of the color of her hair and skin tone on top of her thyroid issues that just arose and causes her to gain weight. She wants to be respectful but she is uncomfortable in the color.
I told her I would like everyone in their bridesmaids dresses as we will be taking pictures all night and I didn't want any other bridesmaids asking "can I change too?" however I feel like an AH denying her. At the same time, it's only one night and it's okay for me to be a little selfish right now. Am I the AH?
UPDATE I hear everyone and I agree with some of you. I agree that a compromise should be made and that if it makes her more comfortable then she along with anyone else have the option to change after dinner. I don't have thyroid issues so I do not understand the symptoms.
I do however want to address some things in the comments. I made this post because I do genuinely care, I saw comments where my genuineness was questioned and just wanted people to agree with me. Completely untrue.
To the weddings I've been to it is unusual that bridesmaids change out of their bridesmaids dresses. I've had to suck it up at weddings before so I did not think this was a big ask especially if my only request was the length and the color, they could choose literally any dress that suited their body.
From my understanding she is still currently looking for a dress. I also do want to address some questions that were asked.
1. No she is NTA.
2. No I am not going to tell her to come as a guest if she doesn't wear the dress all night.
3. Yes I will be wearing my dress all night and will not be changing.
4. Yes I am considered plus size, bigger than her actually so yes I do understand the feeling of being uncomfortable in a dress.
5. Yes the color (dusty blue) was made aware to all of my bridesmaids when they were asked to be a bridesmaid.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I would say it’s okay after the speeches. Once everyone is dancing she can sneak away and do it. No one will care or notice. Reception photos never really turn out great and you’re honestly not going to look at them that much after a while, nor will they be the ones you put on your wall. Drunk and sweaty isn’t most people’s best look. Friendship will be affected if you don’t.
This is the right answer. Most photos end after the speeches. Once dinner and dancing start, most of the photos are lower quality (because of people moving) “club” shots. It really won’t matter what she wears for those. There’s no need for her to be an obvious bridesmaid then.
Maybe a controversial opinion—your friend and relationship are more important than a color in a photo. In ten years will you look back and see a crowd of people dancing and think “Damn I really wish she’d been in blue”? Or will you think “Damn it’s so awesome that this friend I still have in my life was there for me and having a great time at this important moment in my life”?
I hate that being kind to people you love is a controversial opinion.
The friend shared her insecurities, and OP even considering saying nah, makes her a sub par friend.
Weddings don’t mean it’s okay to be selfish.
YTA. Let her be comfortable after the ceremony and pictures.
Or split the difference and do it after speeches and bridesmaids dances/bouquet toss. Changing before all that is a bit premature.
I mean....if you feel like the AH, it's because you kinda are. She didnt ask to wear another dress for the wedding or official shooting, even if she isnt comfortable in the blue one and she knows there will be a lot of pictures with it.
She only want to be comfortable and feel more confident for the night when you are supposed to have fun and enjoy yourself. I really don't see whats the issue here with her wearing a black dress later.
Your picture wont be ruined because of that, you'll have already taken the official picture by then. You are being selfish yes and I disagree that because its your wedding you get the be as selfish as you want and ignore other people comfort completely.
Yeah, this is basically what I think. It's not, like, a massive AH move...but you (OP) are saying that your pictures--not even your main posed pictures, but candids from the reception--are more important than your friend being comfortable. If that's an accurate reflection of your feelings, and you feel OK with that, then go ahead own it.
It's easy to get wrapped up in all the details of choosing wedding stuff--colors, dresses, flowers, everything--but you're marking the beginning of a new and wonderful stage in your life, not putting on a show.
Pull back from the minutia, and re-focus on how you want to feel, and how you want your guests and wedding party to feel, as you celebrate your marriage. Keep that at the center, and plan the visual spectacle around the people and relationships that you want to celebrate.
YTA. Something the wedding industry doesn’t tell you is that once people leave the reception, they forget basically everything within an hour. This is a day you’re meticulously planning to the nines and I promise you that half the stuff you’re obsessing over is stuff that nobody will notice or care about, even you.
My SIL was one of my bridesmaids. I’m known for loving makeup (I like playing around with colors and hues). My SIL has worn it maybe twice since I’ve known her. She was afraid to wear it on my wedding day because she was afraid she’d get it wrong.
I told her if she wanted to wear makeup then great, but I wanted HER there, not what she looked like. I ended up doing her makeup in my wedding dress, lol. Throw a good party. Make sure there’s decent food, drinks, hot and cold running water. That’s all anyone will care about.