'AITA for not letting my family stay at my apartment because they can't respect my girlfriend's needs?'
"AITA for not letting my family stay at my apartment because they can't respect my girlfriend's needs?"
aitagirlfriendptsd
My (22m) girlfriend of 3 years (21f) has severe PTSD. She's been in therapy for years and has really improved over the past few years. The one thing that hasn't improved is that nights are hard for her and she needs very specific things to be able to fall asleep.
She needs every window in the apartment to be closed and locked, our bedroom door has to be locked, she checks the entire apartment 1-2 times before going to sleep to make sure everything is how she needs it. The light has to be on and she needs a fan and a heated blanket. From there there can't be any loud noises.
We don't have anything on the bed or where it can be expected to accidentally make a noise and we have sound dampening curtains outside our window because if there's any loud noise she'll wake up and I'll have to check the apartment.
Closets and everything, and convince her that she's safe and can go back to bed. Even with all of this she still has nights where she wakes up screaming or has nightmares so bad that she vomits.
We stayed with my family a few months ago and it was horrible. I explained all of this to my mom and she assured me the doors and windows have locks, they can keep the windows closed at night while she's there, they'll make sure there's no loud noises at night, and they have a fan she could use.
It was horrible. None of the doors or windows locked, there was no fan, my sister was not quiet at night, and they complained about the light so much that we turned it off. We stayed there for 2 nights and she didn't sleep at all for either of those nights then had rough days because she wasn't sleeping.
On the 3rd day I ended up spending almost $1,000 on an airbnb so she could sleep. They said I was being ridiculous and that she was exaggerating because there's no way she stayed up for 2 nights.
The rest of the visit was ok since she was able to sleep but they kept making comments about how ridiculous we were being for getting an airbnb. Now they want to visit our city and stay in our apartment but I said no because when we stayed with them, it was a nightmare for both of us and I can't throw her off in her own home.
They think we're being dramatic and that if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here (our apartment is on her sister's property, her sister built it specifically so she would be able to move out while still having someone right there when she needs help) but I refuse to kick her out so they could stay.
Now they're calling us ungrateful and saying my girlfriend hates them and I'm taking her side.
AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Apart-Ad-6518
NTA. "They think we're being dramatic and that if it's that big of a deal she can stay with her sister while they're here." Why should she? They clearly aren't making any effort to understand. They can pay for somewhere to stay. Besides, it's yours & her apartment. Kudos to you for standing your ground & supporting your gf.
TnVol94
It’s actually hers, her sister built it for her. Had the parents been nice about it maybe they could’ve stayed with the sister.
glamourcrow
Your family is being dramatic and entitled. Good that you support and protect your gf. I have been where she is. It gets better with time. I still wake up screaming 20 years later, but not often. Your gf can heal if she is surrounded by people who support her.
I have been doubting myself so much, whether I have a "right" to feel as I do. But you cannot stopp night terrors by willing them away. With all the self-doubt and guilt for being "difficult," you can forget that it's not your fault.
People who downplay your nightmares play right into this self-doubt, strengthen the guilt, and make recovery so much harder. Tell her that none of this is her fault. A big rescue dog helped me to feel save. He's amazing.
Could this be something for her? A big, cuddly bear who doesen't judge but is quietly present when she is scared. And me wanting to protect my dog (he is blind) helped me to become stronger and more assertive. Win-win. NTA.
kol_al
"our apartment is on her sister's property, her sister built it specifically..." So it isn't even "your" apartment, it's your home but you have the least authority over what happens there. Tell your parents that they have no say over the arrangements. If they want to come to see you, they need to find an airbnb close by.
"Now they're calling us ungrateful." For what exactly are you supposed to be grateful? Are you supposed to be a lifelong doormat for having been their child. Are their wishes supposed to override everyone just because...? Ask them what the point of this visit is since it's obviously not to spend enjoyable time with you.
AlluringDuck
NTA. They think your girlfriend should vacate her home and live somewhere else for a bit, because her mental health needs are inconvenient to their vacation plans. If your girlfriend doesn’t hate them, she’s a bloody saint. I hate them, and I’m just a rando on the internet. They can go camp in a ditch.
Legitimate-Stage1296
It’s not your apartment. Tell them that. It’s her apartment built for her by her sister so she could have some independence but still feel safe. You get to live there because you follow the rules needed for your girlfriend to feel safe.
Tell your family that. They have shown that they are not willing to take your girlfriend’s PTSD seriously and because of that they cannot stay at HER home. Her needs will not be compromised. NTA.