Man refuses to let fiancée’s best friend be 'man of honor' in their wedding. His and Hers POV + Update
"AITA for not letting my fiancée’s best friend be in our wedding?"
Diligent-Mix-150
I (26M) proposed to my (24F) girlfriend of 6 years last month. She obviously said yes and we’ve been working on wedding details (ex: save the dates/invitations, venue, caterer…etc) since.
We got to talking about who we would want in our wedding because she wanted to do a special “proposal” to her side of the wedding court, and she said she wanted to have her best friend since childhood be her “maid” of honor.
The thing is, her childhood best friend is a guy (24M). They lived on the same street when they were kids and have been friends since. My fiancée and I met in college and her friend was there too, so I’ve known him for as long as I’ve known her.
At first I didn’t really like him because he was always hanging around her, but after she and I started dating and I was forced to be around him more I kinda started to tolerate him.
He and my fiancée saw each other a lot, but he and I have never really hung out one-on-one before. One time when we were left alone together he tried to get all tough and did the “if you ever break her heart i swear…” corny threat talk. He’s a small dude so it made me laugh more than intimidate me. After that I got the feeling this was a situation where he liked her but she didn’t know.
I asked my fiancée if she and him ever had feelings for each other, and she said no, then let me know he was gay. I’m not judgmental or anything, so it’s not like I don’t want him in the wedding because of that, it’s just that I think it would be better if her side of the party was all girls. She and him already did everything together, not including him in our wedding wouldn’t hurt their friendship.
I told her that and she got defensive, saying that if I could have a girl in my side of the party (the girl being my older sister who practically raised me), she could have a guy. I said that it was a different circumstance, and that I wouldn’t allow her best friend to be her man of honor.
She got really mad and said it was her wedding too, then stormed out. I got a text from her sister a few hours later saying she had gone to her parents house and told them what I had said.
They thought I was being an ah0l3 because I never liked her friend and am threatened by him. I have tried to talk to my fiancée since she left but she hasn’t returned my calls or texts. I really love her, and I don’t want to loose her. I just dont want her best friend to be a part of our day. AITA?
Edit: It’s come to my attention in a previous comment I made, I have created the worlds thinnest argument. I said that my fiancée was unwilling to compromise on things such as the groomsmen’s neck pieces and blazers.
As such I was in the right to be unwilling to compromise about her best friend. I stated in a few other posts that there were other things she didn’t want to compromise on, and someone suggested I make a list so here it is:
1.) When we were deciding our wedding date and location, she wanted to do it in spring in an open field. I wasn’t onboard with this as I have terrible allergies and spring is when it’s at its worst. She shot down any alternative I gave her (alternatives being things done closer to summer or in summer) and said it was Spring or nothing. So we went with spring.
2.) Instead of going with a DJ like I suggestion who could play a mix of her favorite, my favorite, and general upbeat dance music, she said that she really wanted a live band that specialized in her favorite genre.
I asked if we could just give the DJ a longer list of her songs in her favorite genre and tell him to pick from the list often, but she said no and that a live band was going to be better. So we went with the band.
3.) In my culture there is a few traditional wedding ceremonies that I wanted us to partake in. Some included a kind of “parade” that leads the groom and his family to the brides house where they present her and her family gifts, a hair cutting ceremony (I made sure to tell her her actual hair would NOT be cut), and finally a knot tying ceremony where the guests wish us a long happy marriage.
She wanted absolutely nothing to do with these ceremonies, and said they would be too much time and effort, since it would be like having two weddings. I tried fighting for these more than the others, but she was firm on doing things traditionally.
4.) She wanted the groomsmen to wear bow ties and blazers even though I wanted the necktie and no blazer look.
5.) She changed the color scheme from the originally agreed upon black, gold, maroon, and forest green to pink (or i think it was rose), yellow, white, and pastel blue because the decorations would look better in the field. When I said we already printed invitations with the previous colors on them, she said we could throw those out and get reprints.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's original post:
panic_bread
YTA. It’s obvious that you have a huge chip on your shoulder about your fiancé’s best friend just because he’s a guy, so now you’re using this “girls only” thing to get him out of the way. Also, “girls?”
You’re not in high school going to prom. You’re getting married. They’re women. You’re entitled and jealous and seem way too immature to be getting married. I hope she sees you for what you are and gets away from you.
Novel-Education3789
I really hope this is a rage bait post. To not be able to see the hypocrisy in having his sister (whom he’s known his whole life) on his side, but DEMAND that she not have her male best friend of decades on hers is absolutely insane. If I were the fiancé, I’d call the whole thing off because OP’s empathetic skills are clearly nonexistent.
Diligent-Mix-150
I don’t understand why everyone so hung up on my verbiage. Aren’t women also girls? Are they not one and the same? I’m not trying to get him out of the way for any sexist reason either. It’s just more traditional if she chooses all women to which she agreed upon in the past. She only started thinking about having him in her party after I said I wanted my sister.
Level-Tangerine-8172
You've already thrown tradition to the side by having your sister as a "groomsman". If anything, her having her male best friend on her side will even things out and make it look better.
You get to choose who you want to stand up with you, and she gets to choose who stands up with her. You have no legitimate reason to dislike this guy or think anything bad of their relationship, and, as aforementioned, you cantrely on tradition. Oh, and YTA. A controlling one.
bunny-girl-420
YTA. He's been a part of her life for forever, they're essentially family. You are enforcing a double-standard here. This part: She's 100% right. This weird desire to uphold traditional gender roles when you aren't even being held to that standard is insane to me. He's her best friend. They grew up together. Family isn't just blood relation, you know.
The next day, the OP returned with an update.
"My wedding may be off"
wedding-hijacker-412
I (24F) was recently engaged to my (26M) fiancé after 6 years together. We got into a fight a couple of days ago because he wouldn’t let me ask my guy best friend (24M) who I’ve known since we were kids, be my man of honor. I ended up walking out and went to stay with my parents for a few days. I told them what happened and they agreed that he was way out of line.
I went back earlier today after I thought he had enough time to calm down and when I came home he looked glad to see me. He apologized for stepping out of line and I said it was fine and that we still had time to ask my best friend to be in the wedding. He kind of looked down then said that we should call everything off. This really surprised me and I immediately said no.
He then admitted that while I was gone he posted about what had happened and that even though he was deemed the controlling AH, he also realized that I was one because I had basically hijacked the wedding planning.
I asked how he could think that and he pointed out how I chose to have the wedding in spring even though that’s a bad time for him and that I changed up the wedding color scheme and what his groomsmen would be wearing without talking with him first.
I said that those were practically minor things and we didn’t have to call off the wedding for it. Then he said I was insensitive for rejecting his cultures traditional wedding ceremonies and didn’t even considering doing them.
He had brought to my attention some traditional ceremonies people do at weddings in his culture, and while I appreciated him bringing it up to me, I decided against doing it because it wouldn’t fit the vibe of the traditional wedding I wanted.
I told him I only wanted to do a traditional American wedding and that he already agreed with me that that’s what we were doing. Then he said that me having my guy best friend be my best man was untraditional.
I pointed out I let him have his sister be part of his wedding party because he wanted some part of his family included, and that since he was breaking the tradition so could I.
He got really sad and looked like he was about to cry and said that me breaking the tradition was like a slap in the face after I rejected his traditions, and that I just didn’t respect his culture at all.
That is not the case at all I greatly respect his culture. I told him I understood how mean it sounded but it’s my wedding too so I get a say in what we do. He kind of laughed and got up and said he wanted to take a break and left.
I dont know what to do I don’t want to call off the wedding at all. I tried to find his reddit post but I think he was using a throw away, though granted I am too. I love him so much and I want to be with him for the rest of our lives. I don’t know how we’ll get through this.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
Justthe7
sounds like you are controlling and you. brushed off his complaints as no big deal. If the date, groomsmen outfit and color scheme are minor details, than they shouldn’t have been changed.
Disregarding his family traditions is a major detail and if you are willing to disregard them for a wedding, how does he know you won’t for other events? The wedding is one day, if you don’t let him have a say in that, he’s right to take a break and reconsider.
loritree
Yikes. I’d hate to have to be one of their friends who’d have to near about this first hand.
ellaphantzgerald
When I first started reading this I was on your side and by the end, not at all. It seems to me like he tried to ‘veto’ your ideas the same way you vetoed his. Honest question, why should he compromise his TRADITIONAL values if you won’t compromise YOUR non-traditonal ones?
FriesWithShakeBooty
The ex-fiancee sounds used to thinking that if the other person stops complaining (where she can her), then everything is fine. I can imagine her surprised Pikachu face when he called off the wedding because he hadn't fought back on the changes, which meant he was fine with it! Right?! lol at her saying no to ending the relationship. It only takes one person deciding it's over for it to be over.
chonkosaurusrexx
You rarely see two posts where both parties come across as a$$h0l3$ in their own respective posts. Its almost impressive.
A little over two weeks later, the OP returned with another update.
"Update: My wedding may be off part 2 - Final"
Weddinghijacker
It’s been two weeks since I posted about my wedding situation. I apologize for not answering very many of your comments on the first post. The post was intended to just talk about the situation, but it quickly turned into a mini AITA discussion, which was absolutely the farthest thing that I wanted to happen.
Due to the stress and severity of everything, I had to unplug. The comments and private messages were getting to me and the messages from friends and family who caught word of the situation became overwhelming.
That being said, I got around to reading the comments after a week or so, but didn’t have the effort to say anything until now. A lot of you said I was controlling, manipulative, selfish, and close hateful. I can understand being called the first three, but hateful genuinely hurt.
I didn’t realize my actions came across as racist, but I see now how that could be assumed of me. I don’t know what to say to prove that I’m not close minded, but I know that even if I did it probably wouldn’t change any minds. I’ve begun to research more on the wedding ceremonies, and just Cambodian culture as a whole, something I realize I should have done years ago.
I promise you that the decisions I made and the unfortunately “vetoed” decisions from my boyfriend all came from a place that thought it was going to be best for both of us. But like a lot of you said, it was still wrong of me to completely dismiss him and his ideas.
I admit I was being stubborn about a lot of things that would have been easy to compromise on. I guess I was looking at everything through rose tinted glasses and thought that everything would just fall into place in my favor because I wanted it to. I should have heard him out more and taken his words seriously.
Additionally, a few of you called me and my fiancé out for being rage baiters and even being the same person just using different accounts. I can see how that would seem like the case, since I made this account a day after his throwaway was deleted, but I promise it was just a coincidence.
I created a throwaway since my main account has content that can be traced to my other socials, and I didn’t want anyone coming for me in my DM’s or other comment sections. I think someone also brought up the fact that this account is linked to another one that has posts about being divorced? I’m not sure what that’s about.
I read the AITA post that he created and, if I can be honest, I thought it was terribly done. He made his initial post about my best friend and how he wasn’t “comfortable” with him being in the wedding, indicating that even on a minuscule level, he was uncomfortable with my friend.
In the 6 years they’ve known each other he has never once voiced or shown any discomfort for him. I don’t know if he was using him as a scapegoat or what. His comments started to change the tune of the post and it started to become a “I’m not comfortable with the guy best friend” vs. “Actually, I’m being taken advantage of” type of thing.
It was all so weirdly done, and his comments seemed rude and argumentative. People were judging him based on the initial question as the forum intended, but then he started to tell the rest of the story to try and gain favor or something.
But, I digress. Moving onto the actual update, my boyfriend and I had a talk a few days ago. He was home when I came back from work and it looked like he was packing some of his stuff. I asked if this meant that we were officially over, and he said he didn’t know.
I asked if we could talk about it, and he said sure. I apologized to him for how I was acting and that I shouldn’t have been so controlling with the planning. I also apologized for rejecting his culture and said that I didn’t do it with malice. He asked why I really rejected the ceremonies and I told him how I wasn’t comfortable with his parents, since there was still tension between us.
He explained that they were trying to be okay with me, but what I did just made it harder. I told him I read his post and asked if he really didn’t feel comfortable around my best friend.
He was kind of iffy on that, saying yes and no before saying he didn’t mind him as a person, but he was still someone he didn’t know. He offered to apologize to him since he figured I told him about what he said when I left to my parent’s house, which I did, and I said I would appreciate that.
We got quiet and I asked again if he wanted to officially break up. He said he wanted to cancel the wedding, but that he didn’t want to break up permanently yet. I felt the same way, so we talked some more, and eventually agreed to go back to dating.
This may not be the outcome a lot of you wanted, since it seemed like you were all rooting for him to kick me to the curb, but I still love him and he still loves me. We’re cancelling all of the wedding plans and looking into couples counseling.
And, as a promise to each other that we’re going to change, he’s going to make an effort in befriending my best friend, and I’m going to be seeing his family more and participating in/observing more cultural events. This is the last post I will make from this account. I just want to move forward and rebuild with him.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final update:
cocopuff7603
You’re still wearing the “rose colored glasses”. “He didn’t want to break up permanently yet” He’s going to break up with you, he’s just trying to take it slow and ease you into it.
hapaxlegomenon2
This relationship isn't going to make it, but thank goodness they're calling off the wedding. A breakup is a lot cheaper than a divorce.
Brismaiden
Sounds like you both have a personal journey before you can fully commit to each other. If you decide to marry and have kids eventually then you will be the mother of Cambodian children so embracing his culture and family will be part of that. I wish you both luck with it and I think counselling is a very good idea.
NoPantsPowerStance
"...'Actually, I’m being taken advantage of' type of thing. It was all so weirdly done, and his comments seemed rude and argumentative. People were judging him based on the initial question as the forum intended, but then he started to tell the rest of the story to try and gain favor or something."
I think you're approaching this from the least - charitable perspective and if you truly want to stay together that's not going to help as it'll only lead to resentment. I get that you're probably angry but assuming that additional information was given with the intent to change the narrative rather than an emotional dam breaking, again, dismisses his feelings.
Even using the word "scapegoat" has an uncharitable tone. You probably feel that he's being the same way towards you but your hurtful actions are more overt appear more selfishly motivated.
I'm sure you feel that way about how the internet has reacted towards you but the larger implications of disregarding a whole culture is a sensitive subject, no matter your true intentions. That resentment should be towards us, if at all, and not your partner. I mean we are coming in hot but you admit that the facts were true if not your intentions behind them.
I'm not trying to be mean, resentment is a poison that sticks with you whether you guys stay together or not. Maybe this is just the initial wave and not how you'll ultimately feel but I hope you examine why that's your intuition on his intent, even just for the sake of saving yourself more pain.
Your BF definitely has work to do with communication, standing up for himself and boundaries. If/until he says his reasons were shallow or malicious then that's fair to believe but if you truly want to grow from this then immediately jumping to the assumption that his reactions are coming from a place other than hurt and confusion is just going to end up causing you and your BF more pain.
nrskim
Yeah he’s totally done. Quit pretending. He doesn’t want to marry you. You’ve shown your true personality. He’s just keeping you around until someone else comes along, or because he doesn’t want to deal with your drama right now. ETA you should marry yourself. All you care about is what YOU want. Look how dismissive you are about his AITA even. You really are the worst.