'AITA for not letting my friends use my backyard for their wedding?' UPDATED
"AITA for not letting my friends use my backyard for their wedding?"
Here is the situation. Last summer, I bought my grandparents' house. This house was the hangout spot for my friends and I throughout our childhood. This includes my friend "Dave."
The house has a sizable amount of land, which includes a lake and a gazebo. I was supposed to buy the house with my now ex-girlfriend ("Leslie"). But, going through the process of getting approved to buy, I found out that she has massive amounts of credit card and personal debt that she hide from me throughout our four years together.
I decided to breakup as a result. That was about six months ago. I met Leslie because Dave's long-term girlfriend ("Kim") is Leslie's cousin. Dave and Kim are engaged and set to get married in April.
When I was buying the house, they asked if they could have the ceremony at the gazebo, which I agreed to do. In December, I started dating again. Leslie has not taken this well at all.
She thinks we are going to get back together and has tried multiple times to make that happen. I have told her in no uncertain terms that isn't happening. Dave and Kim have asked me to not bring a plus-one to the wedding for "Leslie's sake."
I have told them that this request is ridiculous. This wedding is happening at my house, using my land, and I am not allowed to bring a date because of a crazy ex? If that is the case, then they need to find a new venue for the wedding.
They are pissed about this given the short time frame of when the wedding is supposed to happen.
So, we are at an impasse. AITA?
Shortly after, the OP returned with an update.
I am fully aware of the liability issues, which is why I purchased, and they reimbursed me for a "special event" insurance policy which will provide 100% coverage for any damges, claims, injuries, etc. to any of the property or persons up to $2M. It is one of the first things we did after I agreed to have the event in my home.
The wedding will have a maximum, if every comes, of 75 guests, 5 catering staff, and 5 security staff (the security is because this is an open area that anyone walking past can access).
The house has hosted events twice this size and logistically it has been fine. On the property are two cottages, one with one bathroom and the other with two bathrooms. The only portion of my house that will not be locked during the wedding is the finished basement. The basement has two bathrooms.
Every person who is single (ie. not in an established relationship) received an invitation with a plus-one, including me and Leslie. This talk came after I sent in my return card and indicated I was bringing a plus-one.
Now, they are saying they do not want me to have the plus-one because Leslie blew up about it and they are afraid of a blowup at the wedding. Leslie indicated she intends to bring someone on her card. I do not know if she will actually bring someone.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
They want to tell you who you can have at your own home and think is is fine, they're nuts.
If they want to dictate guest rules, they should pay for a venue. He is being generous, and they’re being entitled.
Yeah, He is offering them a free wedding venue, and they’re trying to control his personal life in return? That’s not how favors work.
Pull an Uno Reverse. Tell them Leslie isn't allowed on your property and watch their heads explode.
Long_Assistant8873 (OP)
The petty part of me did absolutely consider saying, "Well, Leslie cannot come to my house or on my land so it shouldn't be a problem."
I mean, if a wedding with only 75 guests warranted hiring FIVE security staff, this sounds like a group well acquainted with drama.
A week later, the OP returned with an update.
So, I met with Dave this morning. We talked for almost two hours about everything. I laid it out that I thought he was, at best, a terrible friend. I went through our long history of various things over the years that has me questioning our friendship. That was the bulk of our conversation. We then turned to the breakup with Leslie and the nightmare how of the last six months.
Throughout the last six months, despite Leslie's craziness, I have bent over backwards to try and accommodate her feelings. She has shown up to my house in the middle of the night. I did not go for a restraining order.
When I go out, I do not go to places I know that her and her family like to go. She has implied to her family and mutual friends, at various times, that I cheated and/or that I took advantage of her financially.
Neither of which is true at all. I have held my tongue to not embarass her about these things in front of her friends and family. Dave knowns all that and yet is demanding, once again, that I put Leslie's feelings before my own. I said, "You and everyone need to stop coddling her like she is a freaking child."
Dave concedes that Leslie has been crazy and ridiculous since the breakup. But, he says, "she feels she did not get closure after the relationship. She wants to have an evening where she can talk to you to get that closure."
He also told me that Leslie has been very vigilant about paying off her debt and paid off almost $10,000 of the credit card debt. She wants to talk to me about her progress. to see if that might cause me to change my mind. It will not.
I asked him, "So, do you expect me to go to the wedding and talk to her? Because I have her blocked everywhere and, date or not, I do not plan to say a single mumbling word to her." He said, "I fully expect she would lose it if y'all do not talk at the wedding."
I told him if that is the case, then, for the good of my property, I can't have Leslie come. If she is so unstable that I need to be cohercied into a conversation with her, she is too unsafe to be a guest, in any capacity in my home. So, I have told him, based on what he has told me, Leslie cannot come to my house or on my land.
I am willing to still have the wedding at my place, but I cannot trust Leslie won't do something given what you are telling me. Dave lost it at this point. He said, "EFF you and your trash! I don't need it!" So, I said, then the wedding is off. He left. So, that is the state of things.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
To add .... the DAY of the wedding is not the time to get closure and AT THE WEDDING is not the place to get closure. Your friends are okay with her hijacking their ceremony so she can sleep better at night? Yeah - that would be a big "not happening" - any of it - from me.
Well I think one of your key takeaways from this is that you need to start living your life, stop avoiding places you normally go to, clarify to people why you broke up (not that you cheated) and put together any evidence of her crazy behaviour so you can get a restraining order if needed.
You also need to tell people why the wedding isn’t happening at your place, as you know they’re going to make you out to be the bad guy…
This x100!! OP, there’s no need for you to keep doing what you’re doing. The whole group (including parents) needs all the details about what happened and what is still happening. If she shows up at your house again call the police and have her trespassed. Too bad about Dave. He sounds like a big AH. You are better off without him in your life. UpdateMe!
OP set completely legitimate boundaries. I bet Dave’s fiancé is heavily downplaying the stalker behavior of her sister and everyone’s going along with it because they think abusive behavior is gendered.
BS, he wants you and Leslie to get back together. You said nothing unreasonable. The point is not that she is paying her bills now. The point is she lied to you and hid this debt for four years. That's the issue. That is crazy your so called friend is siding with her. He all but tried to coerce you into talking to her at the wedding. They can find another venue if she is that damn important.
Three months later, the OP returned with an update.
People have asked for an update. Now that the original date of the wedding has passed, I think it is appropriate. In the weeks following the discussion with Dave from my last update, a number of our mutual friends reached out to me and asked if, "if everything was ok."
I ignored these messages and went about living my life. Dave reached out to my grandparents. My grandparents said I need to talk to Dave and figure it out. I ignored them.
About a month after my last update, Dave's mom reached out. She said, "OP, I hope you are doing well. Can I come and listen to you? I know a number of people what to tell you what they think, but I just want to hear you.
I will say as few or as many words as you want. If you do not want to, I completely understand." Her tone and tenor was different than everyone else, so I decided to meet up.
We met on the back porch of my house. I told her everything: the breakup with Leslie (including why we broke up), getting the invitation with the plus-one, the subsequent meeting with Dave and Kim rescinding the plus-one because Leslie was upset, and then meeting up with Dave and everything discussed with him and my decision to say they cannot use my property for the wedding.
After I explained everything, I was pretty upset. She asked, "Can I give you a hug?" I said yes. She gave me a hug while I cried for a bit. She asked if there is anything I wanted her to say. I asked her for her perspective on everything.
She talked about how she did not really know about why Leslie and I broke up. She had heard rumors about me cheating and the like, but she didn't believe them. But, she didn't know why we broke up because she thought we were happy and had a good relationship.
She admitted she was upset by it because she was looking forward to coming to our future wedding, Dave and I having kids around the same age, and those kids sending time together at her house like Dave and I used to do. But, ultimately she felt it was not her place to say anything since I am a grown man entitled to live my life how I see fit. She said Dave can be a "j@cka$$" and was being one here.
She told me Leslie's behavior was out of line, but she did deeply empathize with Leslie. Dave's mom told me things I did not know about her breakup with a longterm boyfriend before she met Dave's dad and how for a year and a half, she was an absolute wreck of a person.
During that time, she said she did a lot of things she is not proud of and were out of character for her. She told me she dreamed about a certain life she was going to have, and that dream was scattered, and for a year and a half, she would have done anything to get that dream back. So, she cannot judge Leslie, but thinks Leslie needs therapy.
We shot the breeze for a bit and she then left. For the next couple of weeks, I kept getting calls and texts about, "what is going on?" from various people involved. I decided to just, in a rather factual way, lay everything out.
I drafted a mass text message and laid out exactly why the wedding was not happening at my home. I went through everything I had shared with Dave's mom. I also sent an email. I let it be known that if anyone showed up to my house on the original wedding date, I would call the police.
After I sent the message and email, a number of mutual acquantiences and friends apologized to me for how they have contributed to the situation. Also, poo apparently hit the fan on the wedding. Dave had lied about our conversation to Kim.
He apparently told her he begged and pleaded with me to let them have the wedding on my property. Dave reached out to me to "apologize" and see if I would be willing to talk.
I told him I thought it was best that we do not talk for awhile. A lot of people are mad at Leslie and her family is blaming her for the wedding situation. No one showed up to the house on the original day of the wedding. As far as I know, the wedding date is in limbo.
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP's update:
I’m glad you finally told your side of the story. Sometimes you want to just take the high road but that just allows others to make up their own stories to everyone else, so even though you shouldn’t have had to tell it I’m glad you did. You are completely right and I don’t think Dave was that great of a friend to you. He didn’t have your back at any point and now wants to talk? I’d say nah too.
I completely agree! You had every right to share your side. If Dave really cared, he’d would’ve been there for you before, now it’s too little, too late. Dave never really had your back when it mattered.
I love Dave’s mom.
Glad it sorted of worked out. You deserve to be happy. At least people now know exactly what went down. Go be happy now. Let dave sit for a while and talk when you feel you can. Updateme.
I’m glad you let everyone know the truth about the entire situation. People shouldn’t be hearing just one side, especially when that side is fabricated to make the other look bad. Dave’s mom is the best. She wanted to know what you had to say on the situation before believing what the others said. I hope you can someday repair your friendship with Dave, if it’s something you want.