'AITA for not letting my daughter go to prom after she broke a vase and lied about it?'

"AITA for not letting my daughter go to freshman prom?"

Me (37f) and my husband (37m)have 3 kids (14m, 14f and 12m). A few days ago, I got home from a diner for work and saw that a vase in the kitchen was on the floor in pieces, it was a very expensive vase, while we can afford a new one, I was still very upset about it.

I see my twins sitting on the couch and asked what happened, my daughter tells me that our 12 y/o was playing with one of his baseballs and broke it. My youngest loves sports memorabilia and does collect it, but I was immediately suspicious because he takes very good care of his antique sports memorabilia, and wouldn’t throw a baseball like that.

Even with his modern baseballs he uses for sport, I’ve never seen him throw one in the house. My 12 y/o isn’t a great liar, and when I asked him he said he did it, and it seemed like he was lying, then I noticed he had chocolate on his shirt and it was obvious that they had tried to bribe him with chocolate, my daughter’s boyfriend works at a chocolatier and gets some free chocolate.

I then asked both of the twins what happened, but separately, first I took my son into our bedroom where he immediately admitted that him and his sister were playing with one of their brother’s antique baseballs and broke the vase, I was obviously disappointed in his actions but I was glad he was honest.

When I took my daughter into our room, she insisted it was their younger brother and refused to acknowledge what she did. I then went back to my son, I told him he lost his phone for a week and he complied, no other punishment, he said he was going to the place where him and his friends take welding lessons, which is fine by me, I decided that losing their phone would be the punishment.

My daughter refused to give the phone and still insisted that it was her younger brother, I then got my youngest in the room with us and asked him to explain why he had chocolate all over himself, where he admitted that she bribed him with the sweets. After that, my daughter just went silent and refused to give me the phone when I asked.

I then told her that she would not be allowed to go to the freshman prom for lying to me and refusing to hand over her phone. The lying is what really makes me upset. My son is the more careless and chill sibling, so I kind of expected less pushback from him since he’s more likely to just go with a punishment. My daughter is a good kid, but she can be a lot more defensive, which isn’t inherently bad but was in this case.

My husband said I was being too harsh and should let her go, but I am still not on board with letting her go, he’s the more permissive parent and we’ve talked about how the kids know he’s easier to manipulate but he said he thinks that this punishment is unfair.

I love him but I disagree and I don’t want my daughter to think she can get away with lying. She could’ve done something with her friends to, but insisted that she keep the phone.

What do you think? AITA? Or is this a fair punishment for what the daughter did? This is what commenters had to say:

coneyb11 said:

NTA. Lying, bribing, doubling down when caught in the lie, and refusing to give up the phone? You definitely needed to escalate the punishment. Stick to it! Your husband giving in will only reinforce that it's okay to behave this way.

tatasz said:

NTA. Vase is not a big deal, but the lies and trying to frame a sibling are not ok at all.

HP1029 said:

NTA. I have a 13 year old and the lying would be my major issue too, I’ve told my daughter if she messes up own up, if she lies then she’ll get punished for the lie. I think what you’ve done is fair, your son owned up when asked your daughter didn’t so she gets a worse punishment

Agreeable-Tale9729 said:

YTA. It seems like you favor your son over your daughter just in the differences in treatment. Making her miss something like that is a bit too far. Also you should question why your daughter is afraid to admit to accidents (although it is possible her brother is setting her up).

It’s so wild that if a friend did this in our house, we’d let them off with an apology. But since it’s our child, better bring down the hammer. If kids feel safer lying than owning mistakes — that should be a red flag about how we are punishing them.

OP responded:

My son admitted to it and gave up his phone, my daughter continued to lie and refused to give up her phone, that’s why there needs to be a difference. My issue is they knew they weren’t supposed to be playing with the ball but did it anyways, not the fact the vase was broken.

PrimaryAble4511 said:

YTA. There’s a reason your kids are liars. Your punishments don’t fit the crime. Why not put them to work so they can pay you back for your property they broke?

By taking their phones and restricting prom access you’re showing them it’s okay to be controlling towards others with no logic and solely emotion driven, and that you’re not intelligent enough to come up with a fair consequence, which will lead to resentment towards you. Treating children like this will almost definitely lead to issues in their future relationships.

OP responded:

The vase is expensive and whatever work they do would be very minimal towards the total cost of the vase and I don’t know if it would actually make them feel like they contributed to paying for a new one, but I’ll definitely explore that. What should I do about the lying though? My daughter lied but my son didn’t and I need to show that lying isn’t ok.

nothingclever4now said:

YAH The punishment should fit the crime and you went overboard. She'll never have that opportunity again. She should work to earn money to replace the vase and possibly lose phone privileges for a certain period of time. But don't force her to miss prom. These are Milestone events.

And OP responded:

I mean, there are dances in other years but I get your point, but what should I do about the lying? I already took the phones away for both kids and the vase is way too expensive for a child to be expected to put money towards, whatever they could earn would be minimal. Me and my husband make enough that we can replace it and not have it be a huge dent in our bank account.