'AITA for not letting my ex move in with me when she is trying to leave her controlling husband?'
"AITA for not letting my ex move in with me when she is trying to leave her controlling husband?"
I have a 16-year old son with my ex (girlfriend from high school). We were never married, but I have been involved with my son throughout his life. About seven years ago, my ex got married.
My ex's husband is a jerk. He and my son never got along. He has two kids from a previous relationship and my ex and him have two kids together. My ex is a SAHM. Four years ago, after battling for years, the court awarded me full custody.
Despite living only about an hour from my ex, my son has heard very little from her during the last four years. The last year, we have not heard from her at all. About two weeks ago, I got a call from my ex and she was crying.
She told me that she was ready to leave her husband. I asked why she has decided to leave him. She told me because she discovered that he is cheating, she confronted him and told him he needs to stop, but he laughed at her and told her he will not stop.
He told her she is free to leave, but she will leave with little because of their prenup. She wants to stay at my house (I have a rather large home) with her two younger kids until she can figure things out, get a lawyer, and get her own place. I do not want her to stay. I talked to my son about it and he does not want her here. I called her back and told her "no."
My ex called my sister who called me. My sister chastised me for not letting her stay. She said she can stay in the garage and not bother us (we have a garage apartment with two bedrooms, a bathroom, and a kitchen).
I told my sister I did not want her here and my son does not want her here. My son feels some type of way about his mom and our home is a source of peace and comfort for him. I will not do anything that could even potentially interrupt his peace.
I told my sister she is free to invite my ex to live with her. My sister said that is impractical (my sister lives a couple of states away). I am not letting my ex move in. My sister suggested I could give her money for her own place because I can afford it.
I told my sister she is free to give her money. But, I am not giving my hard-earned money to a person that owes me more than $10,000 in unpaid child support.
AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
I think you said all the right things. Your sister can offer housing and money if she likes.
You are not obligated. Especially if she neglected your son and chose her new husband over him.
Sis can offer housing to the Ex or offer money. Just not OP’s money or garage.
Letting them stay likely creates a legal tenancy. That's in most of the US, and definitely the majority by population. That's even w/ no lease and no rent paid. Kicking them out without whatever eviction process is required by local legislation is a crime, and one that many DAs will take seriously.
Some localities may have reduced tenant rights (a so-called lodger or boarder), but eg here in California, once you have more than 1 (ie OP + kids), then they have full tenant rights. Separately, there are lots of free organizations (tenant resource centers) that will help people fight an eviction. In many places, a tenant can make this take half a year.
And it's only a lodger/boarder if it's in the main residence; in the garage apartment, that's a full legal tenancy. If OP is foolish enough to get involved, he needs to see a local landlord attorney (landlord attorney only) to see just how sideways this can go in his local jurisdiction. And make an informed choice.
NTA, not your wife, not your problem. She can’t ignore her son for years and expect to intrude into his peace and safety. She has to figure out something else, it’s sad and I feel for her kids. But she can’t expect to live with you and your son like nothing happened.
Her own son does not want her to live with them. She really hurt him after neglecting him for so long. If she wants to mend their relationship, she should do it not when she's desperate to find a place to stay. So he won't doubt her sincerity. NTA.
NTA. You have already handled this exceptionally well. She is reaping what she sowed. I’m sorry she’s in a tough situation, but you and your son did nothing to create it. I get tired of people who want to spend someone else’s money for them because ’you can afford it.’ That argument is so far beside the point, it’s ludicrous. Stand firm. Your son is lucky to have you.
NTA you have an obligation to your son not his mother who left him NC for over a year. She got herself in this mess so she can get herself out. If you let her stay with you, you will be stuck with 2 kids who are not yours and getting her and them out will only be a mess. Like you pointed out to your sister if she wants to help she can but it's not your problem.
Your child first. Always. Your sister can take a hike. She could have been there had she wanted to. She didn't know she can't!
For your son’s sake if nothing else, you don’t let her anywhere near you. She has quite a nerve to ask you to fix her problems when she has failed your son as a parent and owes child support. She needs to turn to her own family and friends to help her. NTA.
NTA - So your ex is capable of picking up the phone? She can call when she wanted something but where was she the last 4 years for her son? Also she's a SAHM, how long does she need to figure things out? The first thing she needs to do is apply for a job. If you let her move in then she'll never leave.