'AITA for not letting my ex's husband take our kids out for the day when he requests it?'

"AITA for not letting my ex's husband take our kids out for the day when he requests it?"

My ex (36f) and I (36m) had two kids (10f and 8m) together before our relationship ended 7 years ago. I have primary custody. She has visitation that sometimes is supervised and other times is not. My ex is mentally ill and has trouble taking care of our kids which is why this is the arrangement.

The sometimes supervised sometimes not depends on our custody evaluations and if I notice something off and need to file to return to supervised sooner. Right now she has non-supervised visitation.

My ex got married a year and a half ago. My kids have met her husband and spent time with him during their mom's visitation. He's not someone they are attached to and they do not have the kind of relationship where they want to see him more. It has come up because their mom asked.

To the kids he's the man their mom lives with. Neither one of them sees him as a member of their family and they don't call him their stepdad which my ex mentioned and complained about via our co-parenting app in the past. But I have never tried to change my kids' perception because he's not someone they spend a lot of time with. Neither is their mom.

Since December of last year my ex's husband has requested time with the kids about once or twice a month. He'll text me saying he wants to take them shopping or to the park or somewhere else and would I be okay with him taking them for the day. Four of the times he has asked this he said he would like to spend more time with the kids and build up a better relationship with them as their stepdad.

I have always said no because of how my kids talk about their relationship with him. I'm also not entirely comfortable with the idea. To me he's a stranger and I don't trust my ex's judgement all that much. She has a bad track record since her struggles began and I don't think spending time with him would benefit my children.

The last time he asked and I said no he responded asking why and claiming I was being petty and jealous because he should be allowed to spend time with the kids because he's a part of their parenting unit now, even if his role is not a large one.

He also stated he feels like I never gave him a chance to be good to my kids. I told him I had to think of my kids before other people's feelings and wants. His response was I should want to add to my kids' family.

While he might have a point and I don't even know if he does. The risks far outweigh any potential benefits in my opinion. But like I said I don't see any benefits. I see it being worse if my ex and her husband's marriage ends or if he turns out to be a danger.

I don't want my kids to carry the weight of this either and I know how they feel about him and the situation. But I'm here asking because maybe I'm too close to the situation to know if I'm being an @$$hole about his requests. AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

cassowary32 said:

NTA. Some people prey on single moms for access to their kids. Might not be the case here but I don’t see a reason to go beyond what the court mandates. He can see them when your ex is supposed to have them.

OP responded:

That's something I keep in mind too. I don't want to label him because I don't know his true motives. What I know is I cannot trust my ex's judgement and I need to think of my kids safety most of all.

No-Consequence3985 said:

NTA. I find his persistence worrisome. He's not the parent. He's just someone your mentally unstable ex married. What do you know about him? Not letting your kids go hang with someone you know very little about is a smart thing. You are doing the right thing!

OP responded:

All I actually know is he's married to my ex. Other than that I couldn't tell you anything about him as a person.

Great_Art2493 said:

NTA, if their mother should have supervised visits, then why does he think he can be alone with them, creepy.

OP responded:

Right now she has non-supervised visits. That could change at any time given her history. It's a keep an eye on the situation at all times kind of thing.

Vestiel said:

The kids made it clear how they feel. Tell him that. Tell him he cannot force himself on them and if he wants to be their friend or something, trying to get them like won't help him. You have every right to protect your kids and he has no rights to them or claims to them.

Also - MAKE SURE YOU DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. So they won't try to claim that you are trying to alienate the kids or something.

OP responded:

Everything is already documented because I do not answer calls from either of them.