'AITA for not letting my friend walk with her husband in our wedding?'
"Am I in the wrong for not letting my friend walk with her husband in our wedding?"
I’ll do my best to keep this short. My fiancé (Mike) and I are getting married next year, and have asked most of our wedding party to stand up. Mike chose one of his friends from high school (Tim) to be his Best Man.
Last August, Mike and I were Best Man and Maid of Honor in Tim’s wedding. I was not originally MOH in this wedding, Tim’s wife (Heather) had a falling out with her original MOH, and I was next in line to step in.
Context for later: their wedding had 3 bridesmaids and 3 groomsmen, all of who were couples and paired with their SO. Originally it was not this way, but once her MOH stepped out, things shifted and she added one of the groomsmen’s fiancé into the party so it all lined up.
I think the first issue arose when my fiancé asked Tim to be his Best Man, but I did not ask Heather to be my MOH. I still asked her to be a bridesmaid, and when I gave her the bridesmaid proposal basket, she seemed happy. But a few days later she told me it hurt that she wasn’t my MOH since I was hers.
I tried to explain that I still want her to be a big part of my day, and I don’t value my relationship with her any less, I just have a different relationship with my Maid of Honor and considered things like availability and responsibility when making that decision.
I apologized for hurting her feelings and told her I can find ways for her to participate so she can feel more involved. I left that conversation thinking that issues were resolved.
A few weeks later, Heather came to me and told me she is uncomfortable with my wedding party choices. Heather has never met my MOH, but she told me she gets ‘bad vibes’ from her and doesn’t feel comfortable with her walking with Tim. Because they just got married in August, she mentioned that our wedding will be the first time she has to watch Tim walk down the aisle with someone that isn’t her.
She asked me if I would let her and Tim walk into our ceremony and reception together because that would make her feel better. I told her that Mike and I would prefer the Best Man and Maid of Honor walk into both the ceremony and reception together as that is what is traditional.
Heather is paired with my fiancé’s brother, who she has no issue walking with. It’s simply Tim and my MOH walking together that bothers her. This conversation has been going back and forth for months. I’ve been kindly trying to tell her that we prefer the order we chose stay the same, and she tells me that I’m not considering her marital boundaries and that I’m essentially being selfish and a bad friend.
She brought up that maybe all the bridesmaids and groomsmen could walk into the reception together instead of the pairs, and my fiancé and I talked that idea over, but we really don’t want to budge on the walking order.
We have attended and been a part of several weddings and seen lots of different ways that wedding party entrances are done, and this is just the preference we have. Heather is the only one in our wedding party who seems to have an issue with it.
Over the last few weeks, she has not really made an effort towards our friendship. We went from texting almost the entire day, to one text a day from her regardless of how many I send. She has also been posting a lot of targeted messages about losing respect for people and people showing their ‘true colors’.
I’ve reached out and asked if there’s a reason she’s been distant, because I thought the last conversation we had about the walking order had sorted a few things out (I basically asked her if she’d consider getting together with me and my MOH and meeting her to see if it helps her feel more comfortable with the entire situation, and she agreed that she would try).
Her response to me asking about the distance was basically that everything is fine and she’s just been away from her phone (which I don’t fully believe is true due to a conversation a mutual friend and I had).
Ultimately, I am considering asking her to step out of the wedding if she can’t accept our decision and be more supportive towards my fiancé and I. This likely means that she will make Tim remove himself from our wedding as well, but my fiancé and I agree that would be his choice and show where his values lie in regard to their friendship.
I just want to make sure I’m not struggling to see a perspective where I’m in the wrong for this entire situation. I feel like I had to leave a lot of context out, but I’d love some opinions and perspectives on this so I can do some reflecting. Thank you in advance!!
This is what people had to say to OP:
StephieRee said:
Wow. She has the maturity of a seventh grader. Actually no, I was much more mature in Grade 7 than that. Some friendships are meant to die. I believe this is what the young people call Main Character Syndrome. I find that expression so very descriptive.
princessofperky said:
I'd be real curious what her original MOH would say about their falling out. Cause it sounds like she likes causing problems
OP responded:
I’ve considered reaching out and asking, because Heather won’t talk about it. All she says is that her original MOH wasn’t a good friend and didn’t make an effort.
Maximum_Business1812 said:
Plan on having one less couple in your bridal party just in case.
Agreeable_Sorbet_686 said:
"Marital boundries" is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. She's a brat. Take away her title and she can sit with the guests.
tata4now6 said:
You established your expectations already. You can remove her if you want, but it doesn't sound like she's causing a stink anymore so you could just leave it and see if she steps down. Maybe confirm with her husband that he is committed to the best man procedures so you don't end up blindsided later if he steps down, but it doesn't sound like you need to do anything but keep the plan the way you want it.
OP responded:
My fiancé had messaged him a few weeks ago asking if he is considering stepping down (because we had started hearing rumors from mutual friends that this might be a possibility) and he promised he wouldn’t. However, if Heather steps out, I’m sure he will too.