'AITA for not letting my in-laws call my son by a different name than what my husband and I gave him??'
"AITA for not letting my in-laws call my son by a different name than what my husband and I gave him??"
Some back story that is relevant here, my son was born on the same day as my husband’s favorite uncle. We wanted to name our son KJ, so we decided to pick names that go with those initials.
We found a “K” name that we loved, but couldn’t think of a “J” name that would work for his middle name. Luckily my husband’s favorite uncle gave us the idea for my son’s middle name.
When we named my son, my MIL did not seem to care for it and kept calling him different pet names like sweetheart, buddy, baby etc. she then started calling him by his middle name because it was such a great idea by the uncle (MIL’s brother), we asked her to call him “KJ” instead and she did after that, but we could tell she wasn’t happy with it.
Well 6 months later the favorite uncle suddenly and tragically died, everyone was devastated. Soon after this time my MIL decided without asking us, she was going to call our son by his middle name to honor my husbands uncle.
She also told everyone in the family to call him by his middle name too since he was the one who gave us the idea, and since he was born on his birthday. We asked her not to and she ignored us and told us that it’s important to honor this uncle.
We finally sat down with her and explained to her how disrespectful it was to us to ignore us and rename our kid while telling everyone else to call him that too, and that it needed to stop immediately.
She argued with us and was so mad at us, and told us that we were being selfish and disrespectful to the memory of the uncle by not letting her call him that. She said she will stop calling him by his middle name but that she will not like it.
I honestly don’t feel like I can trust her to keep her promise, and I do feel like she will call him by his middle name when our backs are turned. I do feel like she is using this as an excuse to not use the name we chose for him and is trying to manipulate us into having her way. What do you think?
Edited to add: We are fine with MIL and family calling our son by his actual first name too, not just KJ. We wanted to name him only KJ initially, but we decided to give him names that go with those initials so if he wanted to go by that when he was older he could.
We are good with either name and as he gets older he can decide. My MIL dislikes both KJ and his first name, and especially dislikes his first name so that’s why we told her just to call him KJ then but she doesn’t want to do that either.
She insists that the way to honor the uncle is by having everyone call him by his middle name because that will memorialize him. She already hated his name though and wanted to change his name before he died, so it feels like an excuse to guilt us into changing his name.
Edit #2: just to clarify, we didn’t take issue with my MIL calling him pet names that are common like sweetheart, baby, buddy etc. it was when she started constantly calling him by his middle name and only that, knowing it bothered us and then telling everyone else to call him that too that rubbed us the wrong way.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, it is ridiculous to try and get parents to change their child’s name, even if the reasons seem compelling. I would simply ignore this altogether, tho l might send a gentle group text reminding everyone that your child is named ( name) and that is what you will continue to call him, though you understand other people emotions around it. If you do, may l respectfully suggest you use punctuation/paragraphs.
NTA his name is what you decided it is not what she wants. Uncle called him KJ so why can’t she honor uncle by calling him KJ too. I’m petty so I’d probably start calling MIL a different name like Susan and when she gets upset explain why it’s important to call someone by the correct name.
I’m petty. Every time she would call me or send me a text or talk to me in person referring to the kid as anything other than his name I would just pretend like I didn’t hear her. I would be dead quiet on the phone. I would ignore texts. I would stare at her with a blank expression in person just to piss her off until she corrects herself.
Or better yet start calling her a completely different name. If her names Nancy I’d start calling her Barbara. Bonus points if you pick the name of someone she can’t stand. See how she likes it. But I’m that guy. I embrace conflict. It’s fun for me to make others that are in the wrong feel uncomfortable. They only do crap like this because most people don’t push back.
"I do feel like she will call him by his middle name when our backs are turned."
So don't turn your back. MIL is not allowed to be alone with your child.
Child stays with you at all visits, MIL is not allowed to babysit. Until she lets it drop, you keep the leash short. Set your boundary and make it FIRM or she will continue to walk all over it.
My son's known by different names to different people in the wider family (one is his real name, one a nickname that's stuck). I asked him what he preferred to be called and he says he loves both his names. Everybody's happy.
NAH but you're being weird. She's calling him by his legal name. You're calling him by a nickname. Neither are wrong, really. But he will be called many things other than KJ throughout his life and you need to chill out about it. I call my kid by her middle name, first name, pet names, "bruh", nicknames.... She knows who she is. Your kid will not be confused by being called his middle name.