'AITA for not letting my in-laws continue to be late for everything?' 'After 5 minutes, I will leave.'
"AITA for not letting my in-laws continue to be late for everything?"
Married 16 years and my in-laws have never been on time for anything. Not just a couple of minutes late, usually 20-30 mins or more and they don't ever tell us they are going to be late.
On Halloween, they were supposed to be here at 6:30 to go trick-or-treating, my kids are teens so they already had plans but cancelled to spend time with them instead. At 7:15 we called and they said they were "5 mins away." 22 minutes later, they arrived without any concerns.
This inspired a new rule for me, I called it the 5 min rule. Basically, if you tell me you're gonna be somewhere at a time and aren't, after 5 mins I will leave. If we are meeting to eat or something, and you're late, we will order and eat without you, we will leave when we finish even if they are just getting there.
Tonight they had plans to take my kids out for dinner, they said they'd be here at 7. We talked at 2p and I reminded them of the new rule. At 7:05 they weren't here and had not called or anything, so I called them.
They said they were 10 mins away. I told them to not bother with it. They tried to ask me to give them another chance since they live an hour away, and I said "no way" and stuck to it. I feel like they are disrespectful by doing this and that they aren't valuing my time. AITA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
ilikehistoryandtacos said:
NTA. My step mom is like this. Late to everything. We adopted our foster son earlier this year and she tried to tell me the judge would wait for her if she was late. I told her we would not wait if they were late as that is not how court works.
MadderHatter32 said:
NTA. That’s inconsiderate af. I have taken a very similar stance with my parents because my mom has no sense of respect for other people’s time. “Oh well, they’ll just have to wait” Nope. Not me.
We celebrated my daughter’s 18th birthday an hour away and we were 10 minutes out when my mom texted all excitedly “We’re on our way” I said we are parking. See ya when ya get here. We had already gotten our food by the time they were there. Tough sh$%. Should have left when you were asked.
SushiGuacDNA said:
NTA. This is an absolutely perfect example of boundary setting. My favorite explanation of boundaries is that a boundary is a simple rule: If you do X, then I will do Y. If you don't show up when you said, then I will leave after five minutes. The thing is, you can't control other people's behavior, but you can control your own.
So if they do something that's unacceptable to you, let them know how you will respond in the future, and then do it. So not only aren't you an ahole, but you are a textbook example of how to deal with people who keep messing up your life. Good work!
bamf1701 said:
NTA. If you are going to have this rule work, you have to enforce it, and do so religiously, otherwise they are going to keep telling you "give us another chance" over and over again and they will never change. I have a friend who is like this, and it drives me crazy.
He has broken promise after promise to call me to tell me when he is going to be late and, like your in-laws, when he does call, he lies about how long it will be. And there are times he doesn't even call to say he is cancelling. It drives me crazy. So, yes, you are right when you say they are being disrespectful to you and your family. And, yes, you are right to enforce your new rule.
mackeyca87 said:
NTA - I’m been like that my whole life. I hate being late and people who are late. People need to make sure they leave in enough time not to WASTE my time waiting on them. It’s very inconsiderate to be late all the time. If I say I’m leaving at 7 the car is pulling out at 7. I don’t care if I’m the only one in it. Everyone knows I’m serious and they are not late anymore.
792bookcellar said:
NTA. My husband and his family are almost always late. To anything anytime anywhere. I’ve learned it’s best for me and our kids that I stick to the agreed upon time. I’m there at the agreed upon time and just start the activity without them. They either catch up or miss out. It was just getting way too frustrating for myself and my kids. Don’t worry about their feelings because they certainly don’t care about yours!
HappySummerBreeze said:
Nta. The old way was working for them so they were not motivated to change it (since they obviously weren’t motivated by the negative feelings of others). This new system makes it an unpleasant experience for them, so maybe they’ll make an effort - and even if they don’t you are still being sensible by minimising your own negative experience.
EnigmaGuy said:
NTA. I'm glad you stuck by your guns, even when the excuses started to fly. Being late once in awhile is one thing - stuff happens. If only there were some type of device everyone could have that would allow you to let the other party waiting on you know that you were running behind due to an accident or something...
Some scenarios it is very annoying having the other party show up 20, 30, 40 minutes late such as if you have a reservation some place that requires the entire party being present before being able to partake. I imagine a few times of them being held to the fire will make them leave earlier so their "hour long drive" was not for nothing.