'AITA for not letting my MIL take my baby to events where I'm not welcome but my partner's ex is?'

"AITA for saying no when my MIL left my baby a passive aggressive card and then asked to take him to a party?"

my partner & i have an 8m old. the issue is his family, especially around his ex. for context, she was awful to my partner & that’s why they broke up. she’s also started plenty of drama with me & admitted to messaging mutual friends that if they talk to us, she’s not associating with them in anyway. (there’s a lot more.)

despite that, my MIL continues to prioritize and disrespect me. examples are switching my sons formula behind my back, adding rice and cereal when he was young without even asking me (he had a VSD & reflux, was miserable, etc, took it upon herself to try to fix but made him even worse) when my partner and i briefly took space for a couple days.

they all talked badly about me, they’ve brought the ex around my baby after i said i wasn’t comfortable with it, before i even gave birth because this has been constant drama. we all seemed to understand to keep them seperate. & for my partner’s own birthday, the ex was invited but i wasn’t.

most recently, left a card “to” my baby that said “I hope one day I get to see you again.” he’s 8 months old, so obviously the message was meant for me. it felt manipulative and guilt tripping. after that, i reached out and explained that i’m not trying to keep my son from family, but i need boundaries respected, especially with the ex. (& if she did want to see him i didn’t hear from them in weeks.)

her response? she brushed off everything i said, claimed “someone must be lying,” and immediately asked if my baby could go to a birthday party (my partners sister’s son,) this weekend. obviously one where the ex is invited and im not.

this happens constantly. i’m excluded, im the bad guy, the ex is prioritized, but im still expected to hand over my baby. if i say no, im “controlling.” if i say yes, im disrespected and left out of my own child’s life. So, AITA for not letting my MIL take my baby to events where I’m not welcome, especially when the ex is?

*i want to add my partner HAS messaged her saying that he does not want to be associated with the ex, how it makes us feel, and has said i am the person he wants to be with. & did not go to his birthday. in response, she usually doesn’t care and says they’re her family too & she won’t kick anyone out. & somehow i’m the “mastermind” in their eyes. & what would you say back to her message in response?

What do you think? AITA for not letting her MIL take her baby to these events?

This is what commenters had to say:

cwrightbrain said:

NTA. Frankly, at this point I’d be rethinking your relationship with your partner. Why in the hell are they allowing their mom & family to treat you this way? You need to draw a line. They stick up for you or you are gone. Child custody would be determined in court and insist on parenting apps.

And I would also insist that MIL is never left alone with the baby. She already broke a major boundary by feeding the kiddo foods that they were not ready for or approved by you. That is a massive red flag.

BackgroundSoup7952 said:

NTA. Please document all of this. Changing g the formula, adding rice and cereal without speaking to you, and bringing him around an abusive ex also the attempts of alienation. I would move in the shadows and speak to the lawyer in case you ever break up with the dad for good or decide to go nc so she can't claim "grand parents rights."

I would also speak to your partner and tell him that going forward, the baby will not be at any event you are not at. Since the baby is under a year old, I feel this is just common sense.

If he is unwilling to set boundaries, then you need to have a serious think about what he actually brings of benefit to the relationship. But do not let her try and steam roll you. You are the mother not her.

muzichick1 said:

You don’t have a mother in law problem, you have a boyfriend problem. It’s his family, so he needs to step in and straighten up his Mom. If he doesn’t do that, and refuses to do that in the near future, you need to realize that this is what your life with him will look like.

Ipso-Pacto-Facto said:

No. An 8 month old is still napping twice a day and wants his/his mother mostly and does not want to be at a party. Stop explaining anything to this woman. She is not a co-parent.

Otherwise-Xanned said:

NTA baby shouldn’t be anywhere you’re not welcome. Frankly neither should your partner but that’s on you to deal with