'AITA for not letting my stepmom meet my baby because of her obsession with mothering?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not letting my stepmother meet my daughter?"

Myself (33F) and my husband (38) have a 3 month old daughter. My stepmother is strictly prohibited from approaching me and my baby, and consequently my father refuses to see his granddaughter without his wife.

For context: my stepmother had a clandestine abortion in her youth, and had severe complications, which left her infertile. When she married my father, she immediately came to see me and my siblings as her children, being very pushy and invasive, and wanting to outdo our mother, who is alive and present in our lives.

Even when we were kids, the situation made us uncomfortable, and her obsession with motherhood and being our ONLY mother scared us and drove us away completely. My father, wanting her to be happy, started trying to force us to call her Mommy. Eventually, our mom got our custody, and we moved across the country.

Over the years, and the physical distance, my relationship with them became more tolerable. There were occasional problems, such as the fact that she wanted to be mentioned as a mother in the wedding invitations, or when she tried to adopt my niece after my sister-in-law's death, declaring that my brother was unable to raise his daughter.

A few years ago, she and my father moved to my state, something common for retirees. She started posting photos of my ultrasounds and baby clothes with captions like "Looking forward to my baby's arrival", or "At last entering the journey of motherhood". I scolded her, and demanded that she delete the posts. And then the physical harassment began.

As we live in the same condominium, she started to come to my house several times a day to "check" me, fight with me about what I ate, and set up a complete nursery in her house, telling me that the baby would need to spend the first few days with someone more experienced to take care of him.

When we found out it was a girl, she immediately started saying that finally her "Cristina" would come, and how her dream would finally come true. I immediately denied that this would be my daughter's name, and made it clear that she would not be a mother figure to my baby.

My stepmother then reminded me that a lot can happen during childbirth, and that it was better that my SO and I understood that she and my father were prepared for any eventuality. And that I couldn't be cruel, and deny her the closest thing she'd ever have to a daughter, since I didn't accept being her daughter.

After that, and other comments and actions, my husband and I decided to take some action in case she tried something. And now, three months after my baby was born, my father refuses to visit his granddaughter, even though we live close together, as I don't allow his wife to play mother and daughter with her. I understand that she has frustrated maternal instincts, but my daughter is not her replacement baby. So, AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what commenters had to say:

Jazmadoodle said:

Y I K E S. There are times when I think its important to be kind to people who have this kind of painful parental yearning. If she were gently asking for you to dress your child in the outfit she once purchased for her own baby or something... maybe. But if she were that reasonable I imagine she'd never have insisted on being called Mommy and this whole mess would never have happened.

And now you have a woman who celebrated your impending delivery by basically saying, "hopefully you'll just die and I'll snag me a baby!"

If you haven't already, make sure you have a will that specifies a guardian and backup guardian for your kid. As long as they agree it usually holds up in most jurisdictions. If, God forbid, anything ever happened to you, you don't want her raising anyone. She is frankly not stable enough to work in a daycare. Oh, NTA.

Hopeful_Avocado_300 said:

NTA. Honestly, she sounds crazy. Like grab your baby in the middle of the night and run off crazy. Why didn’t she adopt or foster if she wanted kids that bad? You shouldn’t let her anywhere near y’all without some serious therapy.

And never around the baby without you or your husband being present the entire time. I know your dad wants to make his wife happy but he’s an AH here. He’s majorly enabling her and not thinking about anyone else.

[deleted] said:

NTA best advice move away from her she doesn't care about you and its clear from the interactions that she has manipulative ways of trying to undermine your choice

She later shared this first update:

My husband and I hardly slept that night. Partly because we've been reading your answers, and partly because a 3-month-old baby sleeps as little and breastfeeds as much as possible. Thanks to you, I was able to see that my father will never protect his children, especially if it means putting limits on my stepmother. But the big point, the straw who broke the camel's back, was what happened this morning.

As I work from home, and my husband owns his own company, we decided to streamline the moving process. What was our surprise to find my stepmother in tears at our gate (properly locked), screaming and begging for my forgiveness, and claiming that all she wanted was love, happiness, and that I have no right to deny anything so small to her.

For me, it was like coming out of shock. After threatening to call the police, my father finally came and took his wife home. Immediately I called my stepfather, and he and my mother came to pick us up. I was glad he came as he is a very intimidating man as well as being a retired police officer. We've packed a few essentials, and the three of us will be staying at my mom's house for now.

She lives in an apartment, with plenty of space and three levels of security to allow access. We are in contact with our attorney, who will refer us to someone who specializes in family status, and we will seek to get a restraining order under our old address. P.s: To someone who asked me in private: my sister-in-law's death was caused, according to the police report, by an alleged mechanical failure in her car.

At the time, with the whole situation going on with my brother and niece, I never really went into the matter. And for the other person who asked, my mother is Chilean, but she has lived in the United States since she was 20 years old. She is an American citizen legally speaking, whereas my stepfather, father and stepmother are all North American by birth. I have dual nationality.

Two weeks later, she shared this second update:

Well, it's been two weeks since my original post, and I felt compelled to let you know, who supported and advised me so much. A lot happened, but I will try to summarize. We blocked my dad and stepmother from phones and social media. Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse.

My stepmother began to speak ill of me to anyone who would listen: our neighbors, friends, family members, and even our church priest. The last few days have been a campaign, but thank God people were able to see her insanity, and she ended up losing a lot of important people. We put our house up for sale, and we are currently in the process of purchasing an apartment in my mother's building.

Enhanced security is an attraction, in addition to the fact that items such as fingerprints are required for access. The garage also requires an access code, and this makes the building very secure.

Following recommendations, we've taken our cars for a review, and we're in the process of getting a restraining order, based on the evidence we already have, such as audio and video of my stepmother's behavior. I completely cut off contact with my father, and my brothers did the same.

As for the possibility of my stepmother calling the CPS, when my husband went to get the rest of our belongings, five days ago, along with my brothers-in-law and father-in-law, my stepmother said that stealing her baby would not go unpunished, and that she would show it to everyone world that the two of us weren't good parents, and that we were prepared, because she wouldn't give up her baby.

According to my father-in-law, her expression and speech caught the attention of the neighbors, and some of them assured my husband that they supported us, including noting her rapid and dangerous mental decline . The fact that my father did nothing to stop this episode ended up sealing the end of our relationship. And so, this is the update so far.

My mother and I only walked along the shore accompanied by my stepfather, who is now constantly armed, and he assured me that he would end my stepmother's existence before she steals his granddaughter. I still can't sleep properly, and I'm paranoid about the baby monitor, doors and windows, even though my mom lives on the fifteenth floor.

Because of this, I am actively seeking a therapist, and my husband and I are closer and closer than ever. We review all the legal issues regarding our wills, and the custody not only of our little girl, but also of any baby we have in the future. For now, that's it. Thank you all for your support, advice, criticism and immense help. I promise to inform you of any news.