"AITA for not letting my niece be a bridesmaid?"
Me (21f) and my fiancé (25m) are getting married in 2 years. We’ve been together for a few years and have a baby together. So when we proposed I immediately said yes and started to plan straight away.
I have a vision for my wedding and cannot wait for it to come to life. I’m planning to have a summer wedding, and the numbers to be matching, groomsmen to bridesmaid.
I asked my big sis, my 2 SILs, Aunt and best friend to be my bridesmaids as soon as. They all said yes. But here’s the thing, my older sister was not happy about her stepdaughter not being a bridesmaid.
I said to her that I wanted my bridal party to be over 18 and my step niece would be 17 by the time the wedding comes round. I said that her stepdaughter daughter can get ready with us in the morning and have hair and makeup done it’s just when it comes to certain photos with bride and bridesmaids, she won’t be in them and when it comes to the ceremony she can go down with my mum.
My sister refused this and sent me loads of messages essentially emotionally blackmailing me into making my step niece a bridesmaid. She even put me in a group chat with my step niece and her telling me to tell her why she isn’t a bridesmaid.
(I felt so uncomfortable and so bad for my step niece) I put my bridal party in a group chat and my sister again asked about her stepdaughter being a bridesmaid and I again… said no.
She then threw the biggest tantrum and said that it isn’t fair that I wanted to keep it adults only bridal party but I have my child involved in the wedding, I said well duh he’s my child 🙄 my MOH then put in the GC that she agrees it’ll be nice to keep it adults only cause we can do a proper cheers and maybe to put all the bridal events as adults only too.
And my sister then hit the fan. She went on and on for months about this. She said that I shouldn’t have my FSIL as a bridesmaid I should have my step niece (even though I am really close to my FSIL).
I then said to my ladies that I would love to have the colour to be the same but choose your own style dresses and hair, as long as they’re happy and comfortable I am happy. I also said that I am more than happy to pay for people if they can’t afford certain things and that I’m happy to contribute towards the bridesmaid stuff.
My sister again, piped up and said that it isn’t proper and everyone’s hair and dresses needs to be matching and that it isn’t what she had at her wedding. I said “that’s fine about your wedding but this is my wedding, it’s gonna be difficult to have a dress that all 5 of you agree on as there is different styles that will match everyone” She then said what is her stepdaughter wearing?
I said she can wear whatever she wants as long as it’s not a bridesmaid dress in this colour. My sister then left the GC and carried on messaging me privately. I ignored her and went to have a bath and face mask (stress relief)
Ever since I was younger I’ve always been a people pleaser and do whatever my sister wanted me to do, but since becoming a parent myself and planning my wedding, my fiancé has told me that I need to stop making everyone happy at our wedding and make choice that will make me happy.
I do not know what to do in the situation anymore and need advice as it seems to be going on forever. I’m used to a bit of wedding drama but this is just crazy. So, AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
OP you need to set a clear boundary here. This is your wedding, not your sisters. Tell your sister that her stepdaughter is invited but will not be a bridesmaid, and no amount of tantrums will alter that if she continues tell your sister she is not invited and block her. I hope you have a beautiful wedding.
This! Setting boundaries is important, but it’s even more important to stick to them! Tell your sister in no uncertain terms that you are not changing your decision and that if she won’t back down that she’ll be AT MINIMUM kicked from the bridal party.
You deserve your wedding to be how you want it! You’re not being a bridezilla or anything by setting reasonable boundaries! Anyone who pushes back on this or kicks up a fuss can go suck an egg. Congrats on your engagement and upcoming wedding! I’m glad your STB husband is pushing you to stand up for yourself! ❤️ You are NTA!
It's your day and the grooms day. It's not her day. You and your partner get to decide on how you want your day to go and not her. You need to set a firm boundary with a consequence if broken with this woman. She sounds unhinged and controlling.
Six days later, the OP returned with an update.
First thank you everyone for all the advice. I’m glad that I wasn’t the only one thinking that my sister is a little bit on the crazy side. I had a call from my sister to talk about the wedding and some other family drama (I’m trying to stay out of the drama but that’s a story for another time)
My sister asked me if I could replace one of my bridesmaids with her step daughter again… I had finally had enough. I told my sister that her step daughter will NOT be a bridesmaid and if she tried to interfere with my wedding again I will remove her from the bridal party and she can attend as a guest.
My sister did not like that but I told her tough. I will not have anyone tell me what I should or shouldn’t do when it comes to my wedding, this is mine and FH day and that it is about us and that’s final.
I messaged my step-niece and told her again that she is welcome to get ready with us and have hair and makeup done and wear a baby pink dress so it kind of matches the colour scheme (the colour is burgundy but my flowers are a mixture of baby pink and burgundy) and my step niece was happy.
My sister wasn’t happy about what I said to her but hey that’s life it’s a rollercoaster get a helmet. My fiancé is so happy that I finally told my sister enough was enough and supported my decision in taking her out the bridal party if needed too.
I told my sister that if she try’s to pull any stunt for the wedding then she will be removed from the wedding. I set changed the passwords with my vendors (only me and my FH knows them now) and warned my mum and MOH that there might be drama.
My MOH said she will handle it and I won’t even be aware of anything if there was. Thank you again for everyone’s support I hope that’s the end of the wedding drama but who knows what’s gonna happen 🤷🏼♀️
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Sounds like sister just needed some firm boundaries set. She must be used to wearing you down. Stick to your guns, and take this as a lesson to set firm boundaries with behavior like that going forward. Great job OP!
You're giving your step niece a makeover (that is so sweet and adorable) and it sounds like she was happy about it. Your sister is probably going to be need to be on a tight leash before or after the wedding because she made such a fuss over this, she's not going to stop. Congratulations and hopefully I'm wrong.
I mean, if you’re at the point where you’ve resorted to threatening to remove your sister from the venue if she pulls any stunts at your wedding, maybe it’s time to rethink her role as a bridesmaid?
I do not understand why members of the bridal party and family of the bride/groom feel they have the right to make demands. I get your sister wanting her stepdaughter to feel like she is family, but you seem to be more than willing to accept and welcome her as a niece. Glad the stepdaughter is happy and hopefully your sister pulls her head out of her rear end.
NTA, if your sister keeps messing with you, you should straight up kick her out of the bridal party and put your niece in instead. That'll shut her up.
I think you need to cut your immature sister from the bridesmaids. She isn't old enough for the responsibility.
Good job OP! So proud of you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself. I know it can be hard with family. I hope you have an amazing wedding with your FH! ❤️❤️❤️ Congrats!!