Man refuses estranged parents' request to meet his children on Mother’s Day, after 20 years of no contact. AITA?
"AITA for not letting my parents join us for Mother's Day so they could meet and get to know my kids?"
I (39m) have four children with my wife (37f). My wife nor my kids have ever met my parents or my siblings. I have been no contact for about 20 years now and while that was technically broken by my parents reaching out and me responding.
I sent three replies to their messages and that was it. So this was by no means intended to be a return to contact. However they wanted a relationship with me and with my children. And they asked if we could spend Mother's Day together.
They offered to host or come to mine and my wife's house if we didn't want to travel with the kids. I said no, but they held onto the hope or expectation that I would say yes. I did not. They were contacting me all day yesterday until I went and blocked them.
A relative had passed on my contact info to them and I spoke to the same relative last night and she came down hard on me for denying the chance for a reunion and for refusing to let them come meet my kids and get to know them. She said it's not thinking of my kids. I don't agree but I'll explain background now and see if you agree with the relative and my parents.
BG for those who need to know more info in order to give a verdict. I was born to younger parents. They were 19 and 20 when I was born. They were not good parents to me. I can't even say they were okay.
They weren't very warm, weren't affectionate or caring and I was made to feel like a burden. The reality was I existed in the same house as them but they could ignore me for days at a time without saying a word to me.
They didn't make sure I was eating and sleeping. It was only kinda common for them to make sure I made it to the bus stop. And that stopped once I was considered big enough to get myself out the door.
Homework problem? Better go somewhere else for help or say screw it and let the teacher yell. I learned how to forge their signatures on homework and stuff from school that needed a parents signature because they weren't about to do it for me.
I was 14 before they had more kids. And my siblings were kids they wanted. They turned into completely different people. They were loving parents who were far more involved, far more supportive and affectionate and caring.
They did speak to me more after this shift in their personalities BUT they did not step up as my parents. I still couldn't go to them with any problems, they didn't know or care if I ate or went to sleep at a good time.
They still didn't involve themselves in my education. They never talked post-high school with me and my guidance counselor tried to bring them in on the discussion but their go to excuse was they had two small children at home.
There were no more days at a time of not speaking to me but really they didn't have conversations with me. They'd say some things and occasionally I'd be asked a question about how things were going or whatever.
And during all that I got to see them being parents to my siblings that they were never willing to be for me. Back then it hurt a lot and for a few years after I went no contact it hurt too. My decision to go no contact happened as a result of me realizing I'd need to accept them as they are or go no contact and I couldn't do the former.
From what I can gather, the reason my parents reached out is because both of my siblings have stated they do not want children and one or both has been sterilized to prevent themselves having children so my parents were depressed about it and learned from the relative who gave them my details that I had children. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA - this is your choice. If you want to remain NC, do that.
NTA at all they ignored you for years and only showed interest now that you have something they want. Protect your peace and your kids.
Wow, I wouldn't blame you. Time to cut off that auntie too. NTA, the bad part of this is, it's still not about you! You're only a means to their grandkids! Screw them. They were bad parents and they'll bebad grandparents. Your kids won't miss much. I wonder if they're the reason why your siblings are child free.
KloverSields (OP)
You're right. It's still not about me, their son. And I feel like if either sibling changed their mind down the road and adopted or maybe found a way to have bio children, my kids would be tossed aside by my parents. I can't imagine wanting to risk that.
So, they still don’t want you, just your children.
Block their number and your other relative too. NTA.
NTA, honestly, protecting your kids' emotional well-being is paramount, and sometimes that means setting boundaries, even with family, it's tough, but you're doing what you need to do, and I get that, because, like, I've had my share of family drama, and sometimes you just gotta draw a line., I mean, my cat is way more emotionally stable than my extended family sometimes, and I love him!
NTA you are protecting your children and putting them first. Your protecting them from abusive people who clearly like to chose favourites and who have never apologised or seen wrong in neglecting and abusing you. Tell the family member they disgust you and that putting my kids their safety and mental wellbeing is exactly why you will never let your parent near them.
You don’t give a crap what they want they lost that right the meoment they had you and refused to parent you or care in any way. That her giving out your number without your consent is against the law.
That the moment she endangered your kids and tried to act like she had more say in their lives and what’s right from them than you. Then she’s lost all right to be in your life as well.
That if she ever contacts you, your kids or wife again you will take legal action against her. That is the exact same for your parents if one of them so much as tries to show up or get near your kids you will sue their asses and press criminal charges for harassment. That right now she disgusts you and proved she was never conserved for your kids only about your abusers.