'AITA for not letting my partner come on vacation for me?' 'I have adult money.'

"AITA for not letting my partner come on vacation for me?"

I (30F) have had this vacation planned since I was in middle school. It centers around a movie/book series I am in love with, and I am a massive fan. I have a vacation booked to see the filming locations, I’m staying in some of the filming locations, and I have a strict itinerary.

This has been a dream of mine forever and I am unwilling to compromise on a single instance of it. It sounds crazy but I had a rough home life, this series was my escape, now I have adult money and I will see this to fruition.

My partner (M30) wants to come along and is willing to pay for anything he also wants to do. I love him, he’s great, I’d be happy for him to come along. However he does not like this series, it wouldn’t be fun for him, and he wants to add some national parks and other things to the trip.

But that would f with my time sensitive itinerary since its planned for every day exactly. I told him if he comes along everything he wants to do is on his own time, as my itinerary is what I am sticking to exactly. I have this week planned to the minute and will regret if I miss a single thing.

He’s upset because he feels this defeats the point of him coming along, he wants to spend that time with me, and he’s worried about me flying solo as a woman across the country. He wants to be there in case the rental car breaks down, or something happens so I’m not anxious and alone trying to problem solve.

I get those concerns, I think they’re valid (I do be having anxiety) and his desire to support me is very sweet. There would be a 4 hour time difference between us if something happened which is another concern of his.

He feels I’m being very concrete on this and is frustrated by my lack of willingness to budge on it. I told him its no different than if he wanted to go to NZ to see the LOTR stuff and I tried to plan other non LOTR things on those days where he was wanting to visit Hobbitville or whatever the shire village is called.

I told him if he wants to come he can either do his own thing, follow my itinerary, or just not come at all. I told him honestly I want to go alone. I want to go on this trip because I want to be with someone who I know who will appreciate it as much as I will, which is me. Now he’s upset because he feels like I’m not seeing the big picture and don’t want to spend that time together.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Waste_Worker6122 said:

This is a very specific vacation that you've had planned for years. Your boyfriend sounds more controlling than caring. Im sure as a 30 year old you can handle traveling on an airplane and renting a car all by yourself. NTA.

Efficient_Pomelo_834 said:

NTA at all. I would tactfully rescind the invite and go alone. Have fun in Forks!

Distinct-Brilliant73 said:

Yuck. I’d have shut this crap down agesss ago. “This is not an us trip. It’s a me trip. If you’d like to tag along, plan your own activities or come to mine with a smile on your face. If you can’t do that, stay home.” NTA.

mfruitfly said:

NTA. He doesn't want to come on your trip, he wants to go on a trip with you and re-arrange what you had planned. Go alone, it is pretty clear he doesn't get it, and he wouldn't go along with the trip you have planned. You can travel alone as a woman, and it absolutely sucks that no, you aren't as safe as a man would be, but you can do a number of things to be safe.

He isn't going to keep you any safer on a flight than you would be alone, and the time difference doesn't mean anything- an emergency at noon your time is an emergency at 4pm his time.

If he was so very worried, then he would agree to go on your trip EXACTLY as you planned it. But he isn't that worried about your safety, what he is worried about is that you won't prioritize what he wants and feels over what you have planned for yourself.

My partner would wish me the best and let me go, no worries. If he was worried or wanted to share the experience, he would be willing to do my exact itinerary, or at least sit out stuff to go on my timeline.

Your boyfriend isn't worried, he is asserting dominance. He doesn't care if the rental car breaks down, he cares that you won't prioritize spending time with him over something that has been a dream of yours for years that you have thoughtfully planned. He doesn't care that you are flying solo, he cares that he can't convince you that being together is more important than all the thought you put in to this trip.

maybemaybenot2023 said:

None of this is sweet and caring. This is about control, pure and simple. He does not want you to have interests that aren't his, spend time that isn't with him, doing what he dictates (because his opinions are clearly superior), which, no. Do not give in.

I would also strongly think about all the times he's done something "because you're a woman" that is something perfectly normal - like flying alone, and whether it really is sweet. You survived a difficult childhood, and you are clearly a successful adult. You do not need to be infantilized in this way. Enjoy your trip.

risperiDONE_royalty said:

So he wants to hijack your trip to do things he wants to do, and is pissy that you have planned your time out with no allowances for his last minute ideas? NTA and don't take him, he'll pout the whole time and ruin it for you.