'AITA for not letting my pregnant ex move into my house or decorate the nursery?'
"AITA for not letting my pregnant ex move into my house or decorate the nursery?"
This past January, I moved across the country to be with my then-girlfriend. In early May, we found out she was pregnant. She is in grad school and the pregnancy was unplanned (she was on the pill).
She had a "freak out", said she was not ready to be a mother, broke up with me, said she was not having the baby, and moved in with her parents. In September, she came back around and said she was keeping the baby and wanted to get back together and work on our relationship.
I had (and still have) no interest in getting back together. A couple of months ago, I demanded a paternity test. She felt some type of way about that request, but eventually agreed to it. It is my kid.
I had been looking at houses prior to all of this. After it was confirmed it was my kid, I quickly found a house and closed on it three weeks ago. Since then, my ex and I have had a considerable amount of conflict.
First, she wants to move into the house. That is a non-starter for me because I think it is just a ruse to try and get back together which I am not interested in doing at all. Second, she wants to decorate the nursery in my house.
At her parents' house, they will have to share a room and there won't be a nursery. I have been decorating and selecting the items for the nursery in my house solely. I do not want to keep arguing with her, especially given the quickly approaching due date in mid-January.
I have even offered her to select up to three small items that will go in the nursery, but she thinks, at minimum, I should consult her on every purchase for the nursery. I think that is ridiculous and want to protect my boundaries. AITA?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. It’s looking like a court order with the custody arrangements in writing will be useful for you.
NTA. Stop any and all conversations about how you are decorating your home and her moving in. You are no longer in a relationship, and the only relationship with her that you both should be focusing on is a coparenting one. If you haven't already, there's no harm in consulting with a lawyer about custody you can expect, etc.
NTA. You're smart to set these boundaries early on. Please don't let her move in once the baby is born. It may seem like the thing to do since you're the parent and your ex will need help, but it will turn into a train wreck quickly. She wants you back and I'm sure if she gets in the house, she'll fight to stay. You should probably limit communication to one of those parenting apps.
NTA. Your house, your rules. She is neither your partner nor your wife. She is simply the mother of your unborn child. She gets input on parenting decisions, not decorating choices. Hold your boundary.
Technically she doesn’t even really get input on his parenting decisions as long as they are not actively harming the child. He wants to take the child to a movie - she can not say no if it’s on his parenting time. He wants to go to the beach or water park with kid - she can not say no if it’s on his time.
While there are choices they will have to make together like school, medical, etc… his time with the child is his time and she has no say over what he does or how he parents.
If she moves in you can bet your ass she will do everything in her power to never move out. I suggest you consult a lawyer and get your future options ready because she will use the kid to get her way. Also make sure your child is always safe and prioritize.
NTA. I would suggest contact a family lawyer to have custody filed as soon as your baby is born. This way it establishes custody - physical & legal, and monetary support. Make sure to give your attorney a copy of the paternity test.
This way you cover all your bases and protects your rights as the father. Otherwise she will use your baby as a bargaining chip in getting what she wants. Also, stop talking to her about anything regarding your home and the baby’s nursery. She doesn’t have the right to know that information.
Absolutely not. It’s the nursery in your home for when your child is with you. I would file any necessary paperwork as soon as the child is born. If she’s trying to weasel back into your life then she will definitely use your child as a weapon to do so. Get a lawyer and cover your bases. Make sure conversations happen in text so you can have documentation.
Also, DO NOT have sex with her again. Blurring the lines to satisfy a quick need is never a good look and will only add to the chaos. Consider her sexless from this point on. Also prepare for the possibility that she will date while pregnant (maybe because she wants to, maybe because she wants to make you jealous). The two of you are leading separate lives that only need to connect where the child is concerned.
She wants to force her way back in, but you’re not letting her back. So her tactics are evolving.. You have no obligation to let her in and much less to decorate YOUR space. NTA. Maybe invest in cameras and security, likely unneeded for her, but nothing wrong with being secure.