'AITA for not letting my sister use my late daughter's nursery for her own baby?' UPDATED

"AITA for not letting my sister use my late daughter's nursery for her own baby?"

This situation deals with infant loss, as you might tell from the title. It's not graphic, but is mentioned, so those sensitive please be aware. This story requires some context before I get to the main issue.

My sister (26F) is my only sibling and is a little over two years older than me (24F). We were close growing up until early teenage-hood when she moved in with our maternal grandmother and I stayed with our mom. Both our parents had drug/alcohol issues which also resulted in me moving in with the same grandmother a few years later. This will be important to the story later on.

Growing up, my sister had different guys over to my grandma's house often. She was always dating someone and when it didn't work out, she would have a new boyfriend within the next week. There is nothing wrong with this, she wasn't sleeping around or anything like that, she was just very pretty and popular within school, so boys paid her lots of attention (cheerleader, blonde, blue eyes, tall, slim, etc.).

I was not like her, but to each their own. I was a freshman when she was a senior for timeline reasons. Well, beginning her senior year, she started dating a boy, we will call him Dave, who had graduated a year prior (she was 18, he was 19). Things seemed great at first, they had a great relationship, she was always smiling, and this seemed like a great thing for her.

I was extremely happy for her! After she graduated, he popped the question to her in the summer and they were set to be married in the following spring. However, she found out she was pregnant around Christmas time that year, so wedding plans stopped and never picked up even all these years later.

She had a healthy baby at age 21, right as I was finishing up my senior year of high school. It was a very exciting time for our family, both of our parents were a few years clean each, separated, and we were all very happy. That's when things started to change within my sister and Dave's relationship.

A few months after having their son, my sister found out that Dave was talking to a few different girls online. I never had any clarification if they met up in person or if it was just online, but either way, my sister was absolutely devastated. When she told my mother and I about this, we tried to console her and offer as much help as we could.

However, I was in a college dorm at the time and my mother was living back with her mom (our grandmother) taking care of her health, so there was little we could offer her in terms of leaving him. However, she surprised the both of us by staying with Dave.

Dave was the only one making an income for their small house and my sister was a stay at home mother, and she liked that arrangement more than working, so she said she would try to make it work, especially for her baby's sake. We both understood what growing up in a broken home was like, so part of me understood why she stayed, but the other part wanted nothing more than to help her leave this situation.

I promised myself that I would help her whenever I could once I had the means to. In my sophomore year of college, I met my now husband (25M), Jim, and we hit it off immediately. He's so respectful, kind, loyal, and always makes sure I'm taken care of. I felt like everything that went wrong in my life was worth it because I was able to meet this angel of a man.

He is genuinely the best thing to ever happen to me. We both graduated at 22, Jim with a degree in business management and I a degree in nursing! We got our own home, got married, and work hard to maintain our lifestyles. Everything is great on our end.

Our home is a three bedroom, two bathroom house and we have our own bedroom, a guest room, and one room that was our shared office. That was until I found out I was pregnant with our first baby this past May. We were over the moon with excitement. Jim and I had been talking about growing our family for years, had names picked out, nursery themes, the whole nine yards.

Even more exciting was that my sister was also a few months along with her second pregnancy, my niece, and we were going to give birth about two months apart, her before me. I was praying to have a sweet baby girl so that my sister's baby, and our baby could grow up together.

I found out in late August that we were going to have a baby girl and I cried tears of joy at the news. I always wanted a daughter and all our dreams were coming true. We had a name picked out and her nursery was coming together. I like to plan very far ahead, so we had most big furniture pieces like the crib, changing table, rocking chair, etc. ready.

Aside from wall decor and small items like diapers and burp cloths put away, we were ready to bring our girl home. We never got the chance to. In early November I had some abnormal bleeding and we went to the hospital where we found out our baby had no heartbeat. We were beside ourself with grief. Jim was extremely supportive of me through this while going through his own emotions.

I was hollow of feeling. The last thing I wanted in life was this. I couldn't imagine this terrible pain happening to myself. Anyone that has gone through this, I am so sorry and I share your pains.

My sister had her baby in late November and while I was excited for her, when I came home from seeing her in the hospital, all I could do was cry. I hated myself for being so sad at the wonderful news of my niece being born, but I couldn't help my emotions. My sister got to bring home her beautiful baby girl and I didn't.

I was embarrassed about my feelings and eventually had the courage to go see her again, and I am glad to say that part of me no longer feels so struck with grief looking at her little girl. Time for the actual part in the title.

Yesterday, my sister found out that Dave has cheated on her again. This time, instead of staying at the house with him, she called me and asked if she could sleep at my house for a few days to cool off with her two kids, my nephew (5ys) and my niece (1mo).

After talking to Jim, we agreed and got the room ready for her and the kids. The guest bed is a queen, so we got blankets for my sister and my nephew to share the bed and I brought out the bedside bassinet from my room and placed it in the guest room. This was the first time I have moved anything of my baby's and I was devastated while moving it, but pushed those feelings aside to help my sister.

My sister arrives to our home and places bags for the kids into the guest room and starts to cry on the couch. I console her while my husband plays with our nephew and a few toys he brought. My sister is holding her baby, crying and wondering what to do about her next steps, where to go, how to get out, all of that.

I am trying my best to support her, console her, and I assured she could stay at our house as long as she needs until things are in order. We order pizza for simplicity and had dinner with the TV and she sent our nephew off to bed in the guest room shortly after.

My niece starts crying, to which my sister begins to nurse her in the living room. Jim and I leave to give her some privacy and tidy up the kitchen and talk amongst ourselves when I notice my sister walking the opposite was of her room a few minutes later, close to our room and the nursery.

I call out to her quietly as to not wake the baby and ask where she's going. There is a restroom by the guest room and one connected to mine and Jim's room, so I know she's not headed there. She responded "Oh, did you already take down the crib in the nursery?"

I kind of paused, then said a puzzled "no?" and walked closer as to not be too loud. She just shrugged a bit and said "Okay then, I'm gonna lay [niece] down for the night."

I kindly stopped her and said I put a bassinet in her guest room and that she could gladly use that but she responded saying "Oh, well I figured she would be more comfortable in a crib like she has at home."

And tried to walk towards the door. I kind of ran ahead of her and blocked the entrance of the nursery, explaining that I was not comfortable with [niece] using the crib and that I would prefer her to use the bassinet in their guest room. She just scoffed and turned around and said something under her breath and went to bed for the night. I felt bad, but figured that was it.

Well this morning, I got up for my shirt and found my sister getting the kids ready with all their bags. I asked what they were going to do and she said they were going back home to Dave. I asked why so soon, if she was really ready or if they wanted to spend more time here and she made a comment that "we are clearly not welcome here, especially [niece]."

I didn't want to escalate the situation in front of the kids, so I asked if she would text me about this, and she has yet to do so. I could hardly focus at work and had a panic attack about her being back with Dave on the way home. When I talked to Jim, he said that I did the right thing and that it was totally reasonable to not let her baby sleep in our late daughter's nursery.

I also got a text from my mother saying that I should have just let our niece sleep in the crib as it is not a big deal and 'your sister is dealing with big things right now'. I feel as if I am going crazy, but I just want to make sure my sister is okay. On the same side...

I want to be able to grieve in my own time and seeing another baby use our daughter's things when I wish it was her that could use them might make this pain come back tenfold. I love my niece so dearly and I don't want to have any resentment towards her, but fear I might if I see her using my late baby's things.

Am I wrong for not letting my sister put her baby to sleep in my late daughters nursery? Do I just suck it up so that she can be away from Dave? I don't know what else to do. Any advice is appreciated.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Former_Nectarine4333 said:

NTA. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby girl. It’s okay to take the time you to grieve and heal. If that means your sister can’t use the things you bought for your child, then that’s okay. If your sister can’t take three seconds to care about how you are feeling about losing your baby, that’s on her. you don’t owe her any of your baby’s things.

Kyomuno1 said:

NTA and not wrong. You're grieving and your sister should respect that. You already went out of your way to accommodate having her and her two children there, so if she has a problem with that, she's being an ungrateful twat.

Elfntjam said:

NTA. I'm so sorry for this but just reiterate to your sister she is welcome but this set up is what you can offer at present. Grief should be acknowledged by your mother as well and hope she understands it IS s big deal and you need support too.

Altruistic-Bunny said:

She cannot see or understand your pain. She also is too wrapped up in her problems to see what an a-hole she is being, she may never see it. I am so very sorry. You have been very generous to your sister, and very strong. NTA.

hardly_ethereal said:

You are not in a position to be offering your house to anyone. You need time and space to grieve. Nothing horrifically urgent had happened to your sister. She can sort out her feelings about her husband’s cheating and her future steps in her house. NTA.

Dear-Appeal-7007 said:

NTA. Most reasonable people wouldn't even dream of doing what your sister did. I wouldn't dare go through my dad's things when he passed because I didn't want to upset my mom in any way at all. Normally people try to comfort people that are grieving, and they most certainly do not go out of their way to upset them. Your sister's entitled, rude and rather selfish.

UPDATE:

Wow. For starters, I did NOT expect my post to reach so many people and I appreciate every single one of your comments and messages. I have felt the immense love of the internet and me and my husband have had a great day of reflecting and reading comments and coming up with what to do.

You guys have truly made me smile for the first time in so long, and I appreciate that more than many of you may know! Thank you for being so kind. For some clarification as well:

1) I am in therapy as well as my husband. A few of you recommended me some grieving counselors, mom groups to join, and a few other resources which are greatly appreciated. Please rest assured that I am getting the right help to navigate this loss as well as my husband.

2) My sister and Dave are NOT married, which makes her leaving him even easier in my opinion. But alas, you will see where that goes shortly.

3) My mom and sister are both quite self centered. After reading several comments, I have done some reflecting on not only this instance, but other instances from when we were kids/growing up and I see it so clearly. I guess hindsight really is 20/20.

Now for the actual update: My mom DID end up reaching out to me first this morning and apologized for her statement and not seeing my struggles. We had a long talk on the phone that had some tears and long apologies, and while I am in no means fully forgiving her for what she said...

I do find it a step in the right direction for our relationship. I am speaking to my therapist a bit more about this instead of solely focusing on the loss of my baby, so that will be great to unpack when it comes up in my next session.

As for my sister, I reached out to her using some of you guy's points and statements from the comments. I was extremely respectful, put forward my boundaries, and explained that even though I love her and her kids dearly and how I want nothing but the best for her...

I need time to process my grief still and how opening my house to her would not be the best option at the moment. I know that may sound like the minimum, but coming from being a giver and a people pleaser, this is a big step for me and I am proud of myself.

I received no response back, but I did find out that she posted a LENGTHY Facebook post about her loving family, her perfect husband, and most of all, her bundle of joy, my niece. If I could upload it here, I would, but I don't want anyone finding it and attacking her.

Yes, I realized that this is a personal attack on not only my decision not to have her baby in my crib, but also, like many of you suggested, an excuse for her to run back to her husband. From what I know, he is not physically abusive, but there definitely has to be some sort of manipulation going on mixed with her self-centered attitude that makes them stay together even after this.

Though I was extremely hurt by this, I've decided it is in my and my husband's best interest to block their social medias and stay low contact with my sister. Though it pains me to do so and I love her and her kids so much, this is what is best for me, my family, and my healing journey.

I likely won't have many updates, if any, after this, but I figured everyone who commented and wanted to know how I was going forward deserved a sort of closure to this story. Thank you all so much for the kind words, the well wishes, the advice, and having my back when my family didn't. Sorry this isn't a more juicy update, but it is what I have.

My healing journey is far from over, but I think someday I'll be able to look back on this situation and not be as hurt as I am right now. I hope everyone has a great holiday season and a happy new year! I wish nothing but the best to all of you internet strangers!

Here's what people had to say to OP about the update:

BackgroundSoup7952 said:

You're doing the right thing. You and your husband just focus on yourselves and your healing. I really wish you all the best going forward. I am glad your mum realized she was wrong and apologized to you too. You are a very kind person, op. Your sister is being a child right now, but I hope one day she appreciates just what a kind sister she has.

Mundilfaris_Dottir said:

Hugs to you my sweet girl. The road you’re walking is sad and hard. I hope there is a rainbow and love and light in your future.

janus1981 said:

Good for you! At least your mother corrected herself but I’d be side eyeing her from now on. If your sister still doesn’t appreciate your grief and the symbolism of what that nursery represents to you then she’s simply not much of a sister. The nature of her relationship with Dave notwithstanding .

Quiet-Hamster6509 said:

Take care OP. Remember to hold strong. The next time your sister calls you asking to stay AGAIN, you tell her that you're not in a position to have any guests at this time and finish the call.

Former_Nectarine4333 said:

You’re doing the right thing. Your life is difficult enough right now, you don’t need her drama adding to it.

courtneyisfakeaf said:

NTA. She gets the love she deserves.