'Am I overreacting by not looking at wedding venues anymore?'
"Am I overreacting by not looking at wedding venues anymore?"
My fiancé (32M) and I have been together for over 4 years. 2 years into dating, he purchased a home. Well, his dad bought the home outright and we are now paying his dad back. My fiancé did put a lot of his own money into completely renovating the entire house.
We weren’t at a point where buying together was a smart move. I’ve been living at his house for the last 2 years, paying about 40% of the mortgage, and I’ve helped purchase a lot of furniture, decor, etc for the house. All my choice by the way!
With us getting married soonish (2027) I started thinking a lot about what’s going to happen with the house after that. I feel okay with the situation right now, but last night at dinner I got a little sad.
My fiancé always refers to the house as ours when he talks to me about it. He always says how it’s just as much mine, how I should feel comfortable, etc. But at dinner, and other events around other people, he almost always calls it his house and says “my backyard, my bathroom, my this and that”. It kind of confuses me because he says one thing to me then another to others..
I brought up what’s going to happen when we get married a month ago. I asked if he would consider adding me to the title, obviously with some conditions considering he put a lot more into the house and it can be tricky with his dad buying it, etc.
He seemed confused on why I needed to have this figured out now. He said that he would maybe consider it, but seemed pretty turned off to that idea. I then asked if we could purchase another home together and we could even rent it out, or live in it either or.
He asked why I wanted that, saying that we live right next door to our best friends and he put so much work into the house. He doesn’t want to move out for a long, long time.
I told him that I need to feel secure financially and know I’m putting my money into something and can see some growth. I also explained I would like to have security and once we have kids in 2.5 years, I will need that if anything were to ever happen. I don’t want to be left with nothing.
He then told me that he wasn’t going to talk to me about this until I paid off my CC debt. I had 4k, now I’m at 2k and I’m working OT and working hard to pay it off. I just don’t know if that’s completely fair to put this off because of that when we’re also planning a wedding right now.
I would like to know if planning a wedding vs saving up for a house is in my better interest. On top of that, he made a comment saying how he doesn’t trust me financially. That really hurt me. I am mostly responsible- but yes, I accrued some CC debt mostly due to the life we live.
I told him I would like to stop committing to so much since I can’t afford it, and I have followed thru on that. I also said that it was concerning we were getting married if he doesn’t trust me.
He wants a huge wedding. I am for that, but I also don’t think putting all of my money and savings into that would be smart if he’s never going to add me to the title. I should be saving for a house instead. I told him last night that I don’t want to continue looking at wedding venues when he won’t even discuss with me about our future and the house and finances.
I want to put a halt on all of it until I pay off my 2k debt and until we can come to an agreement on what’s going to happen once we’re married. AITA by refusing to look at more wedding venues?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
My partner being unwilling to add me to the house I’ve been paying on would make me livid enough to completely rethink the relationship, NOR go bigger.
You are not overreacting. You’re paying 40% of a mortgage for a house you have NO equity in? And the most credit card debt you’ve ever had is $4k and he calls you irresponsible? Hell no! He’s taking advantage of you.
I would honestly really reconsider my relationship with this person. He’s taking advantage of you. It’s time for an ultimatum, you go on the title, or you’re done. He’s going to infantilize you about finances for your entire marriage. And if he expects a certain lifestyle that you can’t afford because he expects finances to be split but he makes considerable more than you do…. Nope to that either.
Gurl get your own house.
If this is a euphemism for "putting wedding talk on hold" (which you should be doing, unless you two get on the same page as far as how shared finances and obligations are going to go) - which, if you're getting married, you don't have to actually wait until the wedding day to do so.
Personally, my philosophy of marriage is that what's mine is hers and vice versa. We're in this together. It blows my mind that someone would say yes to marriage, but block their spouse from having their name on the house title.
NOR. You absolutely must be concerned about your financial stability. As things are now, if he died you would have nothing including the 40% you’ve “invested” in the mortgage. You are a renter and he is your landlord.
He is happy for that to continue while you would like to build something together. I think you are very smart to put the wedding on hold until you get on the same page about financial stability for you and building something together for the future.
So my friend was engaged to her ex husband when “he” bought them a home. She never asked about paperwork, but paid half the mortgage.
3 short years later at the divorce hearing, she finds out that 2 days before their wedding, the fiancé and his dad put the home in a trust owned by his family. What this meant was that my friend had 0 rights to the home or any money she put into it. KEEP ASKING ALL THE QUESTIONS.