'AITA for not making my childhood BFF my best man because he slept with my ex right after we broke up?'
"AITA for not making my childhood best friend my best man because he slept with my ex right after we broke up?"
So this may be a lot, but please bare through and read for me. So I’m about to be married soon and this has been eating me alive because I’ve got people telling me a lot of things as far as let it go but it’s not easy at all especially for someone I “thought” I trusted.
This has been a long time coming, but now that the wedding is approaching, it’s blown up in my face. so please read. I (30M) am getting married in a few months. I’ve been best friends with “Josh” (30M) since we were 12. We’ve been through everything together. high school drama, college parties, family stuff. He’s like a brother to me.
About three years ago, I was dating “Emily” (now 29F) for almost two years. It was serious, and we talked about moving in together. Then things fizzled. differences in goals, lots of arguments. The breakup was mutual but hard. Not even a month after we split, I found out Josh had hooked up with her. He didn’t tell me.
I heard it from another friend. When I confronted him, he admitted it but said, “We were never close. You guys had already broken up.” I was stunned. I told him it was a massive betrayal, even if we were technically broken up. He apologized but doubled down on the whole “I didn’t do anything wrong” line. We didn’t talk for months.
Eventually, we started talking again, mostly because of mutual friends and time healing things, I guess. But it’s never been the same. I kept it surface-level things like...fantasy football, group hangs, polite stuff. He clearly thought things were back to normal.
Fast forward to now, I asked my other friend (the friend that told me about Josh and Emily hookup) to be my best man. Josh seemed genuinely shocked and later texted me something like, “I thought I’d be standing beside you on your big day, bro.” I responded and said, “You made a choice that permanently changed our friendship. I’ve moved on, but I haven’t forgotten it.”
Now he’s telling people I’m being petty and holding a grudge over something from years ago. A few mutual friends are saying I should let it go, especially since I did forgive him and let him back into my life.
But I never said we were fully good. I just chose to be civil. He thinks he deserves a place of honor in my wedding, but I honestly don’t trust him like I used to.
So, AITA for not making my childhood best friend my best man because of something he did years ago, even though we technically reconciled?
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Wide-Parfait-3870 wrote:
If Josh didn't do anything wrong, why wasn't HE the one to tell you what happened?
If Josh didn't do anything wrong, why did he hide it for so long?
If Josh didn't do anything wrong, why didn't he say something BEFORE they hooked up? Bro Code. If your friend is even INTERESTED in a girl, she's off limits unless otherwise specifically told otherwise. It's code for a reason: real bros don't mess with each others' emotional shit like that.
NTA. If Josh really thinks he didn't do anything wrong, maybe he should rethink what it means to be someone's friend. An apology doesn't change what he did, and doubling down DURING an apology means you're not REALLY apologizing in the first place. Ditch the ding-dong, my dude.
Virgogirl1984 wrote:
Wait but according to him yall weren’t even close OP so why would he think he would be best man?!! That would be reserved for someone “close” to OP correct?! OP good for you and to those who telling you let it go ask them if they would have that same energy?? Cause they wouldn’t. What he did was MAJORLY wrong and he knows it which is why you got the info second hand!
tryfuhl responded:
I think he meant that his friend and his ex weren't close, but it was worded funnily.
VastConsideration126 wrote:
NTA and anyone telling you to let it go can make him their best man. He is lucky he still has a place in your life. He completely changed your relationship and he has some nerve trying to guilt you.
BeingReallyReal wrote:
I can see where you feel betrayed. This was your best friend who did something and didn't have the nerve to tell you first. Finding things out second hand definitely hurts. I'd feel the same way, too.
I think it's great you were able to keep things civil afterwards, but he shouldn't expect your relationship to return to normal. He crossed the line that severed the trust between you. You can choose to invite him to your wedding, but he's not entitled to be your best man. IMO, you're NTA.
justnotthatwitty wrote:
NTA. You get to choose whomever you want. He can feel hurt, but your friends saying you’re being petty are AHs. The way I see it, Josh made a choice and he knew it would hurt you… because if he truly thought it was no big deal, he would have told you. He hid it because he knew you well enough to know you would not be okay with it.
That’s a huge breach of trust and shows a lack of respect for you, your friendship, and in general the notion that a friendship should be a safe space. And really, for the sake of argument: even if he did think it was fine, that means he didn’t bother to know you well enough to foresee your hurt. Either way, he’s not a good friend.
EggyBroth wrote:
Mistake number one was doing anything with your ex without talking it through with you first, that's very clearly crossing a line and I wouldn't dream of doing it to any of my friends because of how it would obviously affect them. Mistake number two is doubling down insisting they didn't do anything wrong after you found out.
What they did was wrong and they should have known that, but even if they still can't understand why it was wrong, they should have at least been able to understand that it made you feel sh#$ty and be sorry they hurt you. NTA bottom line is its your wedding, and you're in control of your day. Your decision makes perfect sense to me.