'AITA for not making my girlfriend feel included in family emergency?'
"AITA for not making my girlfriend feel included in family emergency?"
Yesterday just before lunch my mom texted me and told me that my grandfather had been taken to the hospital. This morning I found out he’s going to be okay. He fell and had a mini stroke. They’re monitoring but he’ll probably be released in a few days.
Anyway, my girlfriend and I both work from home. Every day at lunch we call each other and go for a walk around our respective neighborhoods. When she called I told her what happened and all that I knew was that he was in the hospital. Didn’t know much more than that.
I was obviously upset because I didn’t know how serious it was. After me telling her and asking if that’s all I knew, her response kind of caught me off guard. She didn’t ask if I was okay, or how I was feeling. Her main concern was that nobody from my family texted her to let her know.
We’ve been seeing each other for about a year and a half and, I know she’s struggled quite a bit with trauma from her childhood. My family have been very welcoming of her, and have had a good relationship with her.
I reassured her that nobody is angry with her, they just texted me because they’re at the hospital and don’t really have much time. I know she struggles a lot with abandonment and feeling rejected.
I felt like as much I support her through her struggles, the moment I needed support from her, it’s still all about her feelings. But then I feel selfish for feeling that because I know how upset she was for feeling left out.
After work, she came over to my place and I cooked dinner for us. She was still upset about not being told about my grandfather. So she asked me to text my mom to say to keep us posted.
I guess because I was both physically and emotionally exhausted from all of this, I texted “keep me posted” instead of “us”. Now she’s very angry at me because I didn’t include her in the text and she’s angry that it now looks like she doesn’t care about my grandfather.
I know my family knows she cares, but she seems more concerned about the optics of her concern than actually being concerned about my grandfather. I guess I’m just feeling confused about the whole thing.
The reason I might be the AH is because I didn’t include her in the text to keep us posted and it further makes her seem like she doesn’t care about my grandfather. Also, I might be selfish in feeling angry that I’ve been there for her, and can’t count on her for support.
Edit: To clarify, we don’t live in the same city as my family. We live about 2 and a half hours away.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA She's making your grandfather's emergency all about her. This is insane behavior. It's so self centered. This is a pretty big red flag you should treat it as such. Expecting your family to think about texting some girlfriend, even if they love her, about an ongoing family medical emergency is so egotistical I can't even convey my disgust in this post. You don't live together, you aren't engaged, she is way out of line.
Exactly. I grew up in a very traumatizing situation. When my MIL was in surgery I was not called, my husband was. Obviously I didn’t care. Instead I left her a nice text message wishing her speedy recovery and letting her know that I’m thinking of her. That way once she gets around to looking, she can see a nice message waiting for her.
I never thought my behavior was anything but standard and expected. I still think I did the bare minimum for acceptable behavior. To act so overwhelmingly selfish and then blame your trauma for it is just gross. NTA, OP. But your gf is definitely TA.
What's even wilder is they don't live together and have only been seeing each other a year and yet she expects that level of family involvement. I've been with my partner 10+ years and we have various family group chats with and without each other, yet any emotional or urgent comms would absolutely go to the respective person and not to both of us. It sounds like gf wants a replacement family more than a partner.
"She was still upset she hadn't been told about my grandfather" really? Shes not upset about the emergency? The health scare? What grandpa's recovery might be? Just that SHE wasnt told??? Selfish. NTA. Dont entertain this.
Uhh it wouldn't even occur to me to text my son's gf about something like this. I'd assume he'd be keeping her informed if necessary. NTA.
NTA. Imagine a world where you have a partner who is actually caring and supportive. She would ask how your grandpa is, offer to cover anything you need if you need to be with your family, be there for you as emotional support as the only one you don't need to maintain a calming strong facade around, and be the one to text your family well-wishes.
Imagine how lovely and warm that'll feel compared to having to manage her tantrums and selfishness on top of being worried about your family.
I've been with my partner for a decade, married for a while now. If something happens with one of our families, they call the person they are related to, and we tell each other. You are family. You told her. She can’t be upset that “no one in the family told her” when you did tell her.
Like you said, it seems she’s more concerned about herself than your grandfather. If she wanted your mother to know she cared she could have texted your mom with well wishes. NTA, this is a lot.