'AITA for not making my BIL’s girlfriend a bridesmaid and pairing him with his ex?'
"AITA for not making my BIL’s girlfriend a bridesmaid and pairing him with his ex?"
So I (26F) got married a month ago to my first boyfriend (25M). We met in college at 19, started dating, and I moved in with him at 23 (still feels surreal to call him my husband 🥹)
One of my closest friends (let’s call her Jane) dated my husband’s older brother (27M, let’s call him Joe) for over 2 years. We introduced them back then, but they broke up over a year ago. It wasn’t a messy breakup, Jane told our circle it just wasn’t working out. Joe never really shared his side, so that’s all we knew.
Anyway, Joe has been dating his current girlfriend (27F, let’s call her Kate) for 5 months at the time of our wedding. I am not super close to her as we only see each other at least once or twice a month.
At my wedding, Jane was one of my bridesmaids and Joe was one of the groomsmen. Naturally, they were paired to walk down the aisle together. We had 4 bridesmaids and 4 groomsmen (plus MOH and best man), and the pairings were just the most practical, 2 bridesmaids walked with their own boyfriends, another paired with a mutual friend, and that left Joe + Jane.
Everything went smoothly… until after our honeymoon. My new SIL told me that Kate had confided in her that she felt left out and “disrespected” that Joe was paired with his ex. She also said we were “teasing them for looking good together” right in front of her. For the record, I never said that. The photographer made a comment during the lineup, and people laughed.
Now, GF has blocked me on Instagram, and I’m sitting here wondering if I should have handled things differently. AITAH for not making Kate (who I barely knew and had only been dating Joe for 5 months) one of my bridesmaids, and for pairing Joe with Jane, his ex?
This is what people had to say to OP:
Swimming_Acadia6957 said:
Not making his GF a bridesmaid doesn't make you an arsehole, but pairing him with his ex certainly does, what is wrong with you?
hemptressteacakes said:
YTA and a mean girl.
duckieglow said:
Yta. Not the AH for now making gf a bridesmaid but TA for pairing him with the ex.
ApricotBig6402 said:
YTA for pairing with the ex in your situation. You could have paired ex-gf with the mutual. The couples make sense not to split up but the last part was easy. You just didn't want to do it. You didn't have to invite new gf to be a bridesmaid, but you should have known that probably made him uncomfortable but would have definitely made her uncomfortable.
Don't be surprised if you never develop a friendship with her now. Don't be surprised if you're never invited to their wedding if they get married or if she partners your husband up with somebody else just to be spiteful. She likely feels like this is the mean girl moment where you mark the territory of the ex-girlfriend and make it known. She likely feels you're not making her feel welcome in the friend group.
OP responded:
A lot of people are saying I’m the AH for pairing Joe and Jane together. Just to clarify, in my defense and as far as I remember, the only time they walked together was down the aisle at the church. At the reception, they didn’t come in as pairs. They entered as a group (all bridesmaids together and all groomsmen together). So it wasn’t like they were glued to each other the whole night.
linerva said:
By group...meaning wedding party separately from everyone else? Given the photographer thought Joe and Jane were a cute couple, I'm guessing you didn't have Kate stand in any photos with him or in any family photos.
So she had to watch her man pose with his ex the whole time whilst she was excluded. Did she even make it into any photos?
OP responded:
The bridesmaids and groomsmen were seated in the same table. Kate was in the same table with my husband’s family, and I could say they were together at the reception coz when we went table hopping to take photos with everyone, Joe was with her.
We had a postnup photo ops outside the church, as well as a group photo with the groomsmen and bridesmaids, and that’s when that comment was made as they were standing next to each other. There were no solo pics of each pairs taken by the official photographers. And lastly, she was included in some of the photos with the family with us couple.
relmaz said:
YTA, why would you pair them together? Genuine question. I want an answer.
OP responded:
The organizers actually made the initial pairings, and me and my husband just approved them after checking with the bridesmaids and groomsmen. The couples walked together, the mutuals walked together, and that only left Joe and Jane. It wasn’t about putting them together.
invisiblepinkdino said:
girl be so fr. you are the ah... not for having jane in your bridal party but how did you think the new gf would take it??? seriously put yourself in her shoes for a second. it's your wedding ofc but you can still have some basic common decency & empathy lol
OP responded:
I get what you’re saying, and I do understand why Kaye might have felt uncomfortable. But to explain the pairing, The organizers actually made the initial pairings, and me and my husband just approved them after checking with the bridesmaids and groomsmen. It wasn’t about putting them together. And for context, they only walked as a pair at the church, at the reception everyone entered in groups.