"AITA for not making my cookie table allergen free?"
I am hosting the family for Christmas Eve and I have always done a cookie table instead of a dessert. Overall I love to bake and there are usually around 15 different types of cookies.My son recently got married and I have a two step grandkids now. They are 8 and 10.
They are allergic to peanuts, if it gets on their skin they fine but if they eat it they get a bad rash and swell up. They don’t really listen to anyone and it has caused issue before. My plan for this year was to keep the cookies with peanut butter on one table and the other cookies on another. Everything was going to be labeled also.
I wasn’t going to cook them at the same time either to avoid cross contamination. I told my son the plan and he didn’t have an issue with it, he said he would talk to the kids. My DIL called me up and wasn’t happy with the plan. She told me I can’t have anything with peanut butter at the event. I told her no because a lot of people like these cookies. I already made a few batches.
He continued to argue and I told her to just watch the kids and at 8/10 they should know well enough not to eat what they are allergic too. She called me a dick over it and that I will be tempting them since they are cookies. My son contacted me after saying I should have more tact even if he agreed it should be fine. He said the kids already know not to eat their allergen and they don’t have issue at school with this.
Edit: Common questions I have seen. Yes the school allows nuts. No, the kids don’t have an airborne reactions to nuts (confused why people think this). What type of swelling: their face gets red and their face is puffy. No they have never had their throat close ( she told me this when I first met them and asked about it).
Yes everything will be labeled. Cross contamination shouldn’t be a problem at all. I am cleaning between cookies and their allergy isn’t strong enough to be effected by that in the first place ( mom has never been worried about cross continuation anywhere, we have gone to many restaurants that serve peanuts and she never mentions it).
Didn’t even come up as a reason, she claimed I would be temping them
Are their nuts in their house: yes my son eats them…
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Webacceptable7932 wrote:
NTA. Separate tables for the cookies is fine. The kids are old enough to know not to eat the cookies with peanut butter. Just went to a party and that’s what they did. The ones with nuts were labeled. Guess what no reactions and the kids were younger than your grandkids. They’re separate and labeled. It’s not your fault the kids don’t listen or care.
Edit-Not searching comments to constantly respond. I stand by my comment. According to post and edit it’s NOT a cross contamination concern. It’s more DILs kids might be tempted to eat the cookies.
It’s not OPs problem if DIL can’t keep her kids from eating stuff they aren’t supposed to. They are old enough to know better. They aren’t toddlers. OP made legitimate measures/offers to keep the cookies separate. Her son originally agreed they would work.
owls_and_cardinals wrote:
NTA, I think your plan and your expectations are pretty reasonable. If your DIL feels uncomfortable bringing her kids as a result of this, she doesn't have to come. But expecting every party she ever goes to to be peanut-free is not reasonable in my eyes. It sounds like she wants the world to be 'free of temptation' which is silly.
The kids obviously need to be taught to avoid foods with their allergens, and I agree with you that, especially with supervision, they are probably old enough to partake in this gathering safely. They will have to avoid / turn down some of the treats at the party, that's it. I think the separation of the cookies and the labeling are adequate measures for you to take, as the host of this event.
You could take it one step further and have the cookies with nuts be in containers (paper boxes or tins) so that they are somewhat out of view and so someone has to be more intentional to take one, just to make it really obvious that if the kids eat them it won't have been due to confusion, negligence (on your part), etc. but only through their own actions.
EquivalentTwo wrote:
YTA. "My son recently got married and I have a two step grandkids now." So for the first Christmas as family, you are serving their allergen. Nothing makes people feel welcome like a potentially lethal holiday party.
Yes they are old enough to know not to eat their allergen, but you put it in such an attractive package so the children have to be watched like hawks by their mother and your son so they can't actually enjoy the party, they are on allergy patrol the whole time. It's really easy to just not make cookies with peanuts/peanut butter.
Yeah, there is nothing inherently wrong with making them separate and putting them on one end, BUT you had the opportunity to do something nice and welcoming which will cost you nothing other than not having peanut cookies during one event and you're unwilling to do it. You would rather make one of your guests work extra hard to make sure your grandchildren stay alive than not have peanut cookies out.
So your brand new DIL couldn't enjoy the party at all. FWIW Most schools do not have giant tables with desserts. Kids eat their own lunches that they brought from home. It's a lot easier to not eat peanuts when they are not right in front of you. It's very easy to avoid them at school.
celticmusebooks wrote:
Seriously, you're going to have FIFTEEN kinds of cookies-- unless 14 of them taste like dog chow no one is going to miss the peanut butter cookies. It would have been an excellent opportunity to be a REAL hostess and put your new grandchildren's needs first (with very small stakes).
You already baked some peanut butter cookies--get some colorful containers at the dollar store and hand them out to people over the holidays (or send home with guests whose enjoyment of Christmas was destroyed by the lack of peanut butter cookies.)
It kind of sounds like you're not thrilled with your new DIL or new grandkids-- work on not letting that show so much or Santa will be leaving you a lump of coal in your stocking. And SHAME on your son for not talking to his wife before signing off on the allergen issues. FYI that "swelling" you mention if they eat the cookies is typically their windpipe from anaphylaxis.
ModernMargaretSanger wrote:
Your DIL is setting those kids up for a trip to the ER or worse because she refuses to parent them so that they are responsible about what they eat. SHE is the dick here.