'AITA for not making the trip cross country to meet my nephew because my family are AHs to my wife?'

"AITA for not making the trip cross country to meet my nephew because my family are AHs to my wife?"

Hi. My family hates my wife. They don’t like that she took me away from the east coast. She was bigger when we met. She didn’t go to a good school. She doesn’t want kids. She’s too girly then not girly enough. She can seem cold at first because she is a little reserved. And on and on and on.

It has been hard. I was close to my brother. But he led the charge early on because she called him out for something and he didn’t like it. He’s the favorite so they took his side. My little sister is the most neutral. I’ve tried to talk to them about it so many times but eventually just realized it wasn’t going to change. I love my wife. I have no regrets.

This past Christmas will be the last. They didn’t give her any gifts, excluded her from the cookie party, and I caught mom and my aunts talking about her twice. I got us early flights and took her skiing.

Her dad loves me. We have weekly cigar walks. Her mom drops by just for hugs. Her brothers and I have our own group chat. Her sister baked me a fucking birthday cake. It should be this way with my family. I’m trying not to be all emo but this shit hurts.

My brother (the favorite) is having his first child in July. They have asked me (not us) to come meet him. I told them no. I’m sick of the bullshit. Unless everything changes, I’m not going to waste my money. Mom got on the phone and told me I don’t have to bring her, I should just come myself. I said no, we’re married, we’re a package deal.

She twisted it to “Oh so she won’t let you come unless she comes too?” and I told her no, I’m saying this. I’m sick of them treating her like shit. It’s Jerry Springer levels of trashy. Dumb thing to say and it set her off listing all the grievances they have with her. Some of it is just stupid. She carries a water bottle wherever she goes. Yeah, mom, she’s from fucking California. We all do.

Dad jumped in to back up mom and accused me of holding adult problems against an unborn child. Said that I’m really going to not be a part of my nephew’s life because my wife can’t get along with the rest of the family. This is what I’m stuck on. Am I wrong? I do want to be in my nephew’s life and it isn’t his fault. But it feels wrong to reward them because it just won’t ever end.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

EmploymentLanky9544 wrote:

"Dad jumped in to back up mom and accused me of holding adult problems against an unborn child."

Imagine, using an unborn child as leverage against your own son.

"I was close to my brother. But he led the charge early on because she called him out for something and he didn’t like it."

What did she call him out on? Was she justified in doing that? And how was it said.

^ This seems to be the point where the road diverges. If that can be revisited, and healed, then there might be a way forward. However, given the sheer tonnage of vitriol your family has unfairly launched at your poor wife, no one would blame you to never forgive them. In all honesty, why would you. Lies and pettiness, purely for vindictive spite, all because of your brother.

All of that said, turning the page on them, and beginning a new chapter with your wife and her amazing family sounds like a really lovely place to be. You've stuck by your wife, and defended her. They're lucky to have gained you as a SIL, who would do that for their daughter. Absolutely NTA.

OP responded:

Yeah sorry I didn't include the fight they had because I thought it would go over the text limit. She was completely justified. He made a snide comment about her being Apache and how "they" were all the same to him and it didn't matter if she was Apache or Comanche or "Cheesechokchok" or something like that. She called him out directly and he overreacted like crazy.

Mrsboo responded:

Oh no. You need to just go completely no contact with them. I’m assuming they are racist, and it sounds like you have all the family you need with your wife’s family.

OP responded:

The craziest part of that is that it's not how my family is. Like I know we have all been doing reflecting after everything in the world the past years and my family was always on the left side of things and standing up for people who don't look like us. It really really shocked me when he said that and that my family immediately backed him up.

HolleringCorgis wrote:

NTA. Every time they try to twist this around and put the blame on your wife make sure you fight back.

Every. Single. Time.

There was nothing wrong with calling them trashy. They're being trashy. They're being rude and embarrassing. I'd straight up tell them how disappointed you are in them. How ashamed they make you when they fall so short compared to your in-laws. How you're grateful your in-laws don't hold your families sh#$ty crass behavior towards your wife against you, and instead act like normal rational people.

When they try to say your wife won't let you visit come back with, "I don't want to visit you. Do you understand how humiliating it is to have my family act like trashy drug addicts, throwing out accusations and starting s#$t over nothing? Your behavior disappoints and disgusts me. This is a YOU problem."

OP responded:

You know what, I think you're right that I should tell them that I'm disappointed. I'm going to whenever I talk to them next because lord knows Mom's going to call me in a week like nothing happened.

getfukdup wrote:

NTA.

"She twisted it to “Oh so she won’t let you come unless she comes too?”

"No. I'm telling you I have been thinking about how my family treats my wife, and I've decided I don't like any of them anymore, and I'm not spending time with people I don't like. For that matter, go ahead and lose my phone number."

mfruitfly wrote:

You are a hero.

Your family hates your wife for no reason, you see how much that hurts her and how ridiculous the grievances are, and you are holding them accountable.

The unborn child isn’t going to be bothered by you being or not being in their lives, it is your adult family who made the choice to be terrible, and they are the ones who will suffer for it. Mute their phone calls and spend your time with decent humans. I’m so sorry that you had to make this choice, but good for you for making it and not making your wife put up with disrespect.

ladancer22 wrote:

NTA. You’re not “punishing” anyone. You are setting boundaries based on their behavior. If the behavior doesn’t change, then the consequence of their action is they don’t get the honor of a relationship with you. You can’t go out of your way to fly across the country for people who are going to treat your family terribly.

Side note, I find it ironically hilarious that the reason you’re not going is, in part, because the invitation explicitly excluded your wife and your moms response was “you don’t have to bring her!” Like yes, you’ve made it very clear that I don’t have to bring her, that’s the issue.

nemesismorana wrote:

NTA. And Kudos for standing by your wife. Her family sound lovely and you'd think your family would treat your wife the way your wife's family treat you.

You chose your wife when you married her, and you're showing her that your vows meant something. I know she appreciates it.

CandylandCanada wrote:

Correction, Dad - the rest of the family *refuses* to get along with wife, not the other way around. The fact that dad framed the dynamic as "If you don't come here alone and do what we tell you to do when we tell you to do it then *you won't be part of nephew's life*" should be instructive to you. You've wasted enough time dancing with these people. NTA.