'AITA for not making my twin girls sit together at lunch because I find it unfair to one of them?'
"AITA for not making my twin girls sit together at lunch because I find it unfair to one of them?"
This is about my two girls (twins) that are in their freshman year of high school. I will call them Sara and Mia. During elementary school, they were basically always together.
Middle school Mia started to feel resentment about always being with Sara so the school tried to split them up as much as possible. This was hard because the classes were not big. I made it a point to have activities that were just there own.
Mia got really into sport and Sara into theater. This seemed to help and we did more separating. They got their own birthday parties and not a shared one for example. Mia really thrived with this situation but Sara did not. It has been a lot harder for Sara to be her own person. (Mia was always the dominate twin when they were together.)
High school was a big change and for the first time they were completely separate, no shared classes. Sara has been having difficulties and it got worse this past month. The friend group she was hanging out with broke up and she has been sitting alone at lunch.
Sara asked Mia to sit together with her friend group at lunch and Mia told her no. This resulted in in a big fight between the two. Mia point was these were her friends and Sara need to learn to make her own and basically not piggyback off Mia. Sara point was they were twins and she is sad sitting alone.
I told Sara very gently that Mai doesn’t have to sit with her at lunch and encouraged her to keep trying to make friends, and basically put herself back out there. Sara has been crying since and my ex is giving me an earful. I don’t know if I made the right call on this.
Edit: Sara is in clubs and already talks to a counselor, who basically gave her the same advice of put herself out there. The friend group fell apart because of boy drama.
Edit 2: People keep asking why she doesn’t want Sara to join. The answer is she doesn’t want to be the twin package anymore. She wants her own friend, she wants to be independent.
I can’t force them to sit together because that would make resentment. I can give a conversation about empathy witch I will do but it will not be a guilt trip because she Is allowed to say no to sitting with someone.
Maybe sit with her once and while at lunch would be good. Not all siblings are best friends and people treating them as the as a package is the reason they are not close to begin with.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NAH. I'm a twin (M/F) and it's very easy to get lumped in with your sibling and not have your own identity beyond "twinning". It is 100% the right call to allow Mia to establish independence and encourage it in Sara.
But, I do also think there is something to be said in fostering some kindness and empathy between siblings when they're struggling, especially at an age that's notoriously difficult. Mia doesn't have to let Sara sit with her at lunch, but she probably could've gone and sat with Sara to help make that day a bit easier.
I think there may be a middle ground here where Sara and Mia sit together some days, but not every day for lunch. And obviously still encourage Sara to make more of her own friends.
I had an experience in high school where my sister lost essentially all of her friends, so she’d sit with me some days so she didn’t feel as lonely. Of course, Mia would need to okay this first, but it might be a third option.
Broad_Range4780 (OP)
This is a good middle ground.
I mean, making friends is hard and it takes time. Sara went through a difficult thing, she had a friend group blow up and is now feeling isolated and alone. You can't encourage compassion and support in your other daughter while her sister finds her feet again? There are lessons for both girls here and I think the AH move was not helping both of your children.
YTA. While it is true that Mia doesn't have to sit with Sara, cultivating empathy when another person goes through something hard (which Sara is!) is IMPORTANT. It is important to be able to realize that sometimes it isn't about our feelings and our wants all the time, and that being there for others is the ONLY WAY to cultivate others being there for us.
Bluntly, you seem to favor Mia over Sara. Would you have this same reaction if it was the other way around? You seem to have this idea Sara needs to boot strap herself into feeling Okay with being alone - Which, sure, put her in therapy then! Give her the tools to be comfortable 'keeping her own company '.
But you are setting them both up for failure in friendships by not giving them both a talk about empathy for other's suffering leads to empathy for YOUR suffering AND ALSO the importance of boundaries. Good luck.
As a twin, i need to highlight that it may not be that simple for Mia. most people have NO idea how badly how some twins crave to build their own identity and independence at that age.
it may be the first time in their lives they’re truly discovering and exercising what it means to be an individual. So it’s not all fun even for the extroverted twin... Demanding empathy isn’t that simple, because living as an “extension” of someone else is, well, complicated.
I 28(f) have a twin sister! She was the dominant personality, I was always quieter. When we were in high school she hated being a twin and having to be around me, it was hard for me because I loved being a twin.
We had no classes the same, we didn’t share a friend group until way later in life but you can bet when either of us was alone or down, we would always be there for the other. It’s okay to want to be different people, but it’s so important to remember to be there for people when they need help. My twin even says now that we’re older she wished she had been kinder and nicer to me back then.