'AITA for not making my son give his stepsister rides to and from school?' UPDATED 2X

"AITA for not making my son give rides to his stepsister to/from school?"

I (45M) share three kids with my ex (16M, 14M, & 11F). We divorced 10 years ago. My ex, "Dee," remarried 8 years ago and has another bio daughter (7F) and a stepdaughter (14F). My kids have never really gotten along with their stepsister. She pretty much gets whatever she wants.

She has always had her own room and bathroom at their mom's house (my daughter had to share with her brothers). She does not do chores and expects my kids to do whatever she asks them to do. Things have been really bad the last two years and a little over a year ago, my oldest came to live with me full time. A few months later, his brother followed.

My oldest turned 16 back in December. I bought a car for him. My only request was that he would take his brother and sister (my kids) to school, which he agreed to do. My sons and their stepsister go to the same school. Not long after I got him the car, Dee started asking that my son take his stepsister to and from school.

My ex's neighborhood is on the route to school from my house. He refused. My ex tried to make me make him do it. I refused. Well, last month, we got a winter storm come in. The first round was not supposed to be bad so there was school. But, quickly the weather got worse than predicted so the school let out early.

My sons were walking to the car with a friend to head to my house. Their stepsister was standing near the car with a friend and was on her phone. She told my son, "Mom says she cannot come get us so we need to ride with you." My son refused. She handed my son the phone and my ex was on the line. She demanded that my son give his stepsister and her friend a ride.

She was across town getting groceries before the storm got worse. He refused. His stepsister started yelling at him. He ignored her and they got in the car to leave. She and her friend got in front of the car so he couldn't move. He honked his horn and told them to "get the f#$k out of the way." They eventually did and my son left her and her friend at the school.

A teacher saw the incident so we were called by the administration about it. We told them what happened. My sons were not in trouble, but they said, "we need to work out this family conflict." Afterwards, my ex and her husband tried to talk to me and blamed me. I told them, "It isn't my fault y'all raised an entitled brat who no one likes. Y'all have enabled her behavior for years.

I have tried to get y'all to address it, but I am done. Until you stop being a worthless mother and stepdad, I do not want to hear shit from either one of you. Dee, your own sons despise you. That is all on you." Then we left. I have not spoken to my ex since. I do feel bad for my daughter because tensions have been high at my ex's house and she is there half the time. AITA?

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Proper_Fun977 wrote:

Here is what I don't understand. There are three girls are your ex's house. Your daughter, the step daughter and your ex's daughter. Why is it that the step daughter has a private bathroom and the other kids all share? How does that even work?

OP responded:

Here was the set up when my boys lived there:

(1) Master bedroom was where my ex and her husband slept

(2) There is a "mother in law" suite with an en-suite bathroom. Stepsister had that.

(3) My kids shared room & bathroom

(4) youngest slept in a little area connected to the master bedroom & used the master bathroom.

Now (without my sons there):

(1) Stepsister had own bedroom & bathroom

(2) Stepsister has en-suite still. had that.

(3) My daughter & younger daughter share room & bathroom.

DivineTarot wrote:

"She demanded that my son give his stepsister and her friend a ride. She was across town getting groceries before the storm got worse. He refused."

Honestly? He should have just hung up. That's what I'd do if someone handed me the phone with their parent on the line screaming demands at me.

Yes, even if it was my own mother. The phone gives a lot of power to both ends, and anyone issuing demands should always operate under the awareness that their tyrade is a button press away from losing its legs. At any rate, no, NTA. If your sons stepsister wants to be liked she needs to learn real fast that it begins with her.

Miami_Lawyered wrote:

NTA! Sounds like they have spent years cultivating a bad relationship between the kids and want to blame you. That is on them. They are at the FAFO stage of parenting. I do family law and seen this plenty.

MerryMoose923 wrote:

NTA. In some states, drivers under 18 cannot take non-relatives as passengers in their cars. Not sure where you live, but I know it's like that where I live. So it might have been permissible for your son to take his step-sister, but not her friend. Even if your son could have non-family passengers in his car, it's totally up to you whether to allow your son to transport his step-sister, or anyone else for that matter.

In your shoes, and with the facts presented, I would not have agreed to your son giving his step-sister and her friend a ride. Your ex's step-daughter is not your responsibility. Your ex could have ordered an Uber for her and her friend, or made other arrangements.

aj_alva wrote:

NTA. Your ex created a situation where your son was going to feel guilted/forced into giving his stepsister a ride. There is no reason she couldn't get home the same way she does every other day - unless that's Dee, who purposely went across town during a storm.

As for the school, I would make it very clear that the "family conflict" is not yours, and you do not want them getting involved and trying to force some kind of relationship between these kids. It's also insane to think that the school was being closed because of how bad the weather was - but the solution was for a SIXTEEN-YEAR-OLD to be carpooling around MULTIPLE children.

Two weeks later, OP shared an update.

Looks like, at least until June 5th, it would be illegal for my son to take his stepsister and her friend home. I am not going for full custody for my daughter because she is highly attached to her little sister and would be sad to not see her every other week. But, I take my daughter to and from school every day (it is across the street from my office).

While things are tense at my ex's, it does not appear that she is being treated any differently than before. There are no buses available for my kids and their stepsister are there on an interdistrict transfer.

A little over a week ago, my ex reached out to try and see what we could compromise on about the situation. I told her there was nothing to compromise about. I explained that until June, he legally cannot take her anyways, I do not want her in the car, and our son does not want her in the car. My ex said it simply is not do-able for her to take her or her dad to take her to school every day.

If our son could take her on Tuesdays, they could do the other days. I told her "no." This Tuesday, their stepsister demanded a ride. My son told her "no," and she pushed him, a teacher saw it and she is facing possible in-school suspension. Disciplinary issues like this could compromise her interdistrict transfer. That is the update.

The commenters did not hold back.

[deleted] wrote:

I find it suspicious that she doesn’t have the same pick up issues with the 7 yr old that she does with the 14yr old. Especially if work is supposed to be the issue.

OP responded:

To be fair, the 14 year olds school is a 20-25 minute drive away. The 7 year olds school is in their neighborhood.

Sad-Librarian-5179 wrote:

NTA. Good on your son for standing his ground. Teenagers can often be more insightful than older people give them credit for. But I'd go further & make myself the bad guy over my son...I'd flat out tell the ex that son is in fact forbidden to ever give her a ride.

Nope, they raised a monster who absolutely cannot be trusted not to throw a temper tantrum & cause a crash. It is her parents responsibility to deal with that, not yours & definitely not your inexperienced-driver son.

I can totally see someone like her demanding to be let out somewhere dangerous (like the middle of a busy freeway), & when son rightly refuses for safety, becoming hysterical & violent, claiming he's kidnapping her, etc. That would be hard for an experienced driver to deal with! But clearly your son has already considered this. Good lad. Good parenting from you.

Terrible_Delivery wrote:

This is probably the first time in her life that step-sister has been given a hard no. In the past when's she's been told no, step-sister told her parents and it magically became a yes. Now she's being told no means no, and she doesn't know what to do other than get physical. It's sad for her but a valuable life lesson. NTA.

Ten weeks later, OP shared another update.

Background: On June 5th, my son will be 16 1/2. Because he took driver's ed, at that time, there will be no restriction on number of passengers he can transport. There is no bus available due to the school being in a different district. Public transit is absolutely terrible where we are (both in terms of safety and time).

2nd Update

Contrary to popular belief, my son's car was not keyed or anything like that. After the incident in the update, my sons and their stepsister ignored each other at school.

Since, that incident, my ex has tried to act sweet and kind when we have interacted. All involved schools let out last week for summer. On Monday, I had a meeting run long and I could not drop my daughter off at my ex's as I typically do. So, I had my son do the drop off for me. When he got there, my ex asked to talk to him for a minute.

She asked if she pays him, if he would agree to take his stepsister to and from school starting in the Fall. As mentioned in my comments, my ex has switched shifts so she cannot pick up her stepdaughter from school. Her husband typically has to leave work to get his daughter from the school, and that is what has happened most days.

But, it is starting to cause issues at his job. My son told her "no" and came home. That night, she calls me and asks if I would be interested in doing joint family therapy with her and all three of our kids. I told her, before that can happen, she, her husband, and her stepdaughter need to make a full and complete apology to our kids for their treatment over the years.

She said, "I do not know if I can make that happen." I told her, "well, that is what needs to happen before I would consider your proposal." (My kids and I already do individual therapy). This morning, she forwarded me some texts from one of her friends who is a teacher at the high school my ex's stepdaughter would have to attend if she switches schools.

She was telling my ex that there are only a few spots left in the few honors/AP courses that sophomores can take, so if the stepdaughter wants in those classes, she needs to enroll in the school now. So, my ex then said, "I am desperate. I want her to stay where she is at. That is only possible if [our oldest son] agrees to take her. But, if I need to switch schools for her, I need to know now."

I responded, "this ain't got s#$#t to do with our kids. And the fact that you are bending yourself into pretzels for [stepdaughter] is the problem because you do not do that shit for our kids. Do not contact me unless it is about our kids."

That is the update.

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

agnesperditanitt wrote:

NTA.

But I do feel sorry for your youngest daughter, who still has to go to her mother's house. Can't even imagine how she is treated there by her mother, stepfather and especially her stepsister.

OP responded:

Stepsister ignores her.

Soggy-Milk-1005 wrote:

Good for you. She's desperate but not desperate enough to tell her husband and SD that they need to give a genuine apology. 🤨 I guess hubby and SD are not desperate. Your ex is awful.

StellarStyle wrote:

NTA. Bravo! It’s nice to see sturdy spines in you and your son. You’re both setting a really good example for the younger two as well - that they don’t have to take shit from anyone at anytime. Your ex and her precious step daughter can just suck it up and deal with the consequences of their actions and behavior.

PrideofCapetown wrote:

Exactly how stupid is the ex, that she can’t ASK ONE OF HER STEPKID’S FRIENDS’ PARENTS TO CARPOOL jfc this isn’t rocket surgery