'AITA for not missing my dad's wife while they were separated and not pretending I did either?'
"AITA for not missing my dad's wife while they were separated and not pretending I did either?"
My dad met his wife when I (17m) was 9. I met her when I was 10 and they got married when I was 12. When I first met her we got along okay, then we got along better after she moved in, and then after the wedding we stopped getting along because she asked if she could adopt me and I said no.
It hurt her feelings that I didn't want it. It made me angry that one of her reasons for wanting to adopt me was so I wouldn't be left in my grandparents care if something happened to dad. She never asked me how I felt about it, because if she had she'd have known I wanted that, because I spent a lot of time with them.
After I turned down the adoption she tried to force the motherly stuff instead of keeping things like they had been which was her being more of an aunt like figure. She suddenly no longer wanted me to take the bus to school and she wanted to drive me there.
She wanted to have a say on whether I could spend time with my grandparents or not, she expected me to call her twice if I spent a night or weekend with my grandparents even though dad never made that a rule.
She would try to get me into sports that her family played and would question why I didn't draw her side of the family or mention them if I did a family tree or wrote about my family for school.
For the most part my dad told her she didn't get to overrule him on my relationship with my mom's parents and he told her it would be super cruel to take away their only grandchild after they lost their only child (my mom).
Mother's Day became a really touchy subject. I always spent Father's Day with dad, Mother's Day with my grandparents and me, dad and his wife did Stepfamily Day (which is in September) together.
But she wanted Mother's Day to be about her and for me to spend it with her. It got worse when my half brother and half sister were born. She didn't like that I went to my grandparents even after she became a mother to my half siblings. My dad told her that my half siblings didn't change who my mom was or where I found the most comfort on that day.
The couple of times my dad sided with his wife are when I was mad at her for pushing stuff on me and in return I refused to listen to her. He'd tell me I could have issues with her but should still be respectful and let him deal with stuff instead of acting out.
In February 2024 my dad's wife moved out and in with her parents. In March 2024 they officially separated and she filed for divorce. She said she hated feeling like less of a true family because I was just her husband's son and not her son too. It made her feel like she might as well not be there at all.
My dad told her she was being ridiculous and she did fine with her and my relationship before the wedding. She told him she thought I saw her as a mom. That I had been without a mom since I was 2 and she had expectations that it would make things way easier than if my mom had died when I was 5 or older.
I didn't see my dad's wife for almost 13 months. It didn't bother me. I was maybe even kinda glad she wasn't around anymore because the bad outweighed the good for me. Her and my dad saw each other for exchanges and to meet with their lawyers but that was it.
She called off the divorce in April and moved back in with us then. I was surprised by that but accepted that my dad was glad to have her around. The thing is she's been worse with me ever since.
I wasn't there when she moved back in officially because I did an after school thing and when I got home I just said hi and went to my room. I never told her I missed her and I didn't try to spend time with her after she moved back in.
She confronted me about that in front of my dad the other night. Dad told her to leave it but she told him it made her feel like garbage that I hadn't missed her even a little and that I didn't like her enough to pretend.
She said she had missed me like crazy but was feeling so hurt by the way our relationship worked. I told her if she could accept being more of an aunt figure than a mom then maybe things could get better but otherwise I'll keep to myself since she drives me crazy by trying to force the mom thing. She left the room upset and she said I couldn't even hide how much I didn't miss her when I spoke like that.
My dad wasn't mad and he told me she'd just need to figure out how to accept the reality. But then yesterday came and she was saying I should at least learn to pretend to spare her feelings instead of ruthlessly dismissing them. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
She needs to go spend a LOT of time in therapy. NTA.
BlueToast9 (OP)
I don't think she likes the idea of therapy too much. But it would probably help her because I get the feeling she doesn't want to live with the way things are yet doesn't want to actually divorce dad either.
The way she moved back in despite the issue she threatened divorce over still being an ‘issue’ (you not seeing her as a mother) and immediately threw a tantrum about you not missing her makes it seem as though she was only threatening divorce to guilt you and/or your dad into coming around to the idea or hoping you would realise you miss her and change your mind.
NTA. I'm sorry this is being directed at you. It's not your fault, and in a funny way it's not even about you really. It's her stuff, and her crap to sort out, and your Dad needs to keep talking to her and defending you.
Yeah, I realized that a while ago. The funny thing is she moved back in without checking to see if she'd get what she wanted. So now they're staying married but she's still unhappy with the way things work and nothing changed between us.
NTA. I love that she's whining about you dismissing her feelings when this whole situation is because she refuses to consider, acknowledge, or accept your feelings. She refuses to understand that mums can't just be replaced and that it is disrespectful to try to do so, and the fact that she is a mum and is still acting like she can just step into the space your mum left is insane.
Does she also see herself as easily replaceable? If anything happens to her, would she want another woman coming in and claiming her title as mum and her kids as her own?
Also, she knows what this situation is. No one has lied to her. You've offered her a role, and she refuses to take it because it's her way or nothing. She had her chance to have a place on your life and she decided it wasn't good enough. Why on earth would she think you'd have missed her given how she behaves?