Woman refuses to move in with boyfriend because of dying cat, he reacts with pure rage. AITA? + UPDATE
"I’m not moving in with my boyfriend because of my cat."
I’ve been dating my (24F) boyfriend (26M) for a bit over a year now, and he really wants me to move in with him. The problem? My cat. My cat is 16, and dying. The vet says it would be unwise to hope for anything past six months. I’ve had this cat since I was a child, he was there for me through everything.
There are a few reasons I don’t want to move: 1) moving is really stressful for cats, and I don’t want to cause any unneeded stress for my old boy. 2) my boyfriend has a fairly energetic Rottweiler, my cat has never been good with dogs (almost killed when he was two years old, we had to amputate his leg it was so badly crushed/injured).
I understand my boyfriend wants me to be close to him, I want that too, but is it really so much to ask for a few months for my cat to pass away? It hurts me so much that he keeps calling me unfair and not committed in this relationship, I am. But my longest friend is dying, and I want him to be comfortable.
He doesn’t seem to grasp how important my cat is to me. He has never liked cats, and even made the joke “when he’s gone I will finally be your number one man.” I don’t know how to handle this at all. Any advice is welcome.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
If he has a dog how can he not understand what it’s like to love an animal?
catthrowaway1235 (OP)
He doesn’t think cats actually have emotions or something, he’s one of those people who thinks cats are evil and dogs are a saving grace, which was fine before, I understand not liking cats is almost as common as liking them.
I don't think it's unreasonable. After 16 years the cat is part of the family. Of course you want to make his passing as easy and safe as possible. If he doesn't get it frankly he sounds like a tool.
The next say, the OP returned with an update.
First off, let me say I’m still shaking so if this is a rambled mess I am sorry. All your kind words from yesterday made me cry, thank you all so much. I thought I would give some back story to how my BF and I met. It was through a support group, as I mentioned.
Growing up, (until age 7) I had a very abusive dad who was eventually sent to jail. My mom gave me Moomoo (don’t judge the name, I was 8), from a local shelter. I didn’t fit in at the new school, And moomoo was the best thing in my life. Back to the support group.
I shared my story, and my BF confronted me after saying he also had abusive parents growing up, and we bonded over our similar situations. I didn’t realize how much control he had over me until recently.
He convinced me to stop seeing my therapist, we also stopped going to group. He used to tell me what to wear, how to style my hair (it’s very curly, and recently I’ve been straightening it because he would always say it looked better).
A few hours ago, I invited him over for lunch and to talk. Luckily, moomoo was in my room sleeping. I told him what you guys said, saying that if it was his dog he would be upset. He blew up.
He told me that wasn’t the point. The point was I wasn’t committed to him, or didn’t care about us. He started throwing things (a glass, some books I had lying about, and some picture frames). It was terrifying.
I had never seen him this angry before, and I just reverted back to what I used to do as a kid. Curl up, cover yourself as much as you can, stay quiet. Bless my roommate, who came home during this fit.
She had brought the security guard because as she was walking in she heard the shouting/items breaking. My BF was escorted out, as he left I just screamed “don’t come back.” I hope it sticks.
I’ve blocked his number, and my landlady has been notified not to let him in, as have the guards. Next step is neighbours. I don’t really know what to do from here. I emailed my therapist, hopefully she will let me come back.
My mom is on the way over right now, and my roommate is with me too. I’m so terrified. I didn’t realize how much control he had over me. I thought all his early behaviours was just because he had clingy issues from his own upbringing.
I’m going to have a bath, relax, let my hair go curly again, and cuddle my baby. I’m really glad Moomoo was in my room. Thank you all for the help. I didn’t think any of this was wrong until you guys brought it up. I still love him, and feel bad for him.
He had a terrible upbringing too, and I’m sure he’s messed up from it, but I’m going to try to move on. After my cat dies, I’m going to move out from this place, to somewhere he doesn’t know about. Thank you all again.
edit for everyone who wants to see moomoo (copy from another comment): I don’t want to be identified incase anyone I know or in the future know find this- that’s why I made a throw away, as I do have a regular reddit account.
Imagine this: pretty big tomcat, mainly white with three huge black spots on his back, leg, and side of his head. Minus the back right leg, and yellow eyes. 8 year old me thought he looked like a cow, and cows moo, hence the name ‘moomoo’. He’s pretty derpy, but hes mine.
Edit 2: moved to tears again by all your comments. Thank you. I’m going to log off this account now, and hopefully never have a reason to use it again. Thank you all so much for the help, I love you all.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's update:
As distressing as it must have been for you, I'm so glad he finally showed his true colours but even more so that you were brave enough to end things for good. You're a strong woman and getting back to therapy will make you stronger and more aware of the intentions of any future abusers who may want to prey on you because of what you've been through. By the way, curly hair is GORGEOUS. Seriously, wear your curls with pride!
Moomoo once again was there for OP and saved her from this guy who apparently turned out like his abusers.
People who love dogs but hate other animals like cats really confuse me sometimes. Like bro, what? I don't get it.
I read somewhere that some “anti-cat” people don’t seem to like that cats have boundaries and won’t trust you if you violate those boundaries.
Going to be honest. Part of me wonders if he did have a terrible childhood as well or if he just knew he could find someone he would likely be able to control better if he picked up girls at support groups like that...