'AITA for feeling like it's not my job to make sure all the kids at my ex's house have just as much as our two sons?'
"AITA for feeling like it's not my job to make sure all the kids at my ex's house have just as much as our two sons?"
I (32m) have two sons (10 and 8) with my ex-girlfriend. Our relationship ended 7 years ago and since then we have shared custody of our two kids. What this looks like is every other week during the school year.
Then every two weeks during summer break. Up until last year all expenses for the kids were split evenly among us. This changed in April of last year because she was struggling to afford all the kids in her household (our two, plus her stepdaughter and her baby daughter).
She wanted child support but instead I took over certain expenses instead and the judge agreed it was fair. I pay for medical and dental expenses and she no longer has to pay half. Our younger is on regular meds so this does alleviate the strain on her significantly because medical expenses were pretty costly every month even with insurance.
This was apparently not enough to make things equal between all the kids and my ex and her husband have complained that my sons have a better quality of life overall than their stepsister who's 7 and their half sister who is 15 months old. My ex is currently pregnant again so another child will be joining their household in the next few months.
There were fights about summer camp because our boys are going this summer but my ex and her husband cannot afford to send his daughter. Before the summer camp issue was a field trip issue. They feel like I could "share the cost" or "gift the experience" to this little girl so she can have the same experiences as my sons.
My ex's husband told me I should feel responsible for ensuring all kids have just as much as my sons do. I asked him why I would be responsible for that and he told me for the benefit of my boys.
He told me a decent person would do everything to make sure all the kids in a family are given the same leg up in life. I told him that's something he should be doing as he's the person who blended his family with my ex's and I did not. I told him he should be embarrassed to ask me to pay for his children to have a good life.
My ex tried to convince me of this too but I ignored her and then had my lawyer reach out and state we would move all contact to Our Family Wizard. In return she tried to sue me for child support, or she looked into it, but she was told that would not be likely because financially it would not be considered a requirement when I pay more for our children already per last year's amended court order.
I have been consistent about using the app but my ex still brings up the topic of making things fair and equal for the other children in her home. I have replied once on there stating I will continue to support our two children but not hers. For now she is keeping it all to the app thankfully.
I don't exactly feel guilty about this but I had wondered if people would find me a little petty maybe for my hard stance on this? I could afford to help but choose not to and I know the kids are innocent of all the issues between the adults. That's basically the only reason I'll ask AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
Her extra kids are not your concern and not your responsibility. There's a 3rd person in the equation: Her new husband. If he can't give his kids everything your kids have, it's not your responsibility. You've already taken care of your own, he's got to step up and take care of his. NTA, and don't let them gaslight you otherwise.
And really, there should be a 4th person in this equation. Where is the stepdaughter's biological mother? Where does she fit into this situation?
Not your monkeys, not your circus. For 2 people struggling to give their already 2 kids comforts they want them to have they don't seem very responsible adding another kid on the way do they? Oh well stick to your guns and if she pushes...u may have to start looking at 100% custody to alleviate the 'imbalance'.🤷🏽♂️🤷🏽♂️ NTA.
Jinsobongonn (OP)
I wouldn't be able to get 100% custody unless they were unable to feed and take care of my kids. But so far that has never been an issue. I hope it stays that way. Even then it would likely not end in 100% custody and just trying different things to help them.
Adding another child had me a little speechless when I was first told. But they wanted their child together to have a sibling close in age to be close with. That's what they have told people anyway.
NTA. It is not your responsibility. It was her and her husbands decision to have more kids. It is on them to figure out how to finance their decisions, ideally they would have done that before getting pregnant AGAIN. You are the dad of half of the kids, you are not the family ATM. And her husband trying to guilt trip you is the icing on the cake. Wow.
Jinsobongonn (OP)
It surprised me to hear him try to guilt me into this. I can't imagine trying to pawn my responsibility to my kids off on someone else. Especially not my spouses ex.
NTA. Pretty soon your ex and her husband are going to want you to take their kids on your vacations with your sons. Anytime they come back from your house with something, or you take them somewhere, those other two are going to tell their children that everything is your fault. Not your circus, not your clowns.
Does her new husband not feel shame expecting her ex to support his children? If I was him, the way you support your boys would push me harder to support my own. The entitlement coming off the two of them is gross. You did right to refuse and make sure all communication is via the Our family wizard.