'AITA for not paying for my child to go to prom?' 'My daughter's boyfriend's mother is TOXIC.'

"AITA for not paying for my child to go to prom?"

Context: My daughter’s boyfriend’s mother is toxic. She seems to have some sort of mental disorder but because I don’t really know her outside of their relationship I can only call it toxic. A few months ago I blocked her from messaging me after she threatened me about a cash app account my daughter setup under my name for him without telling me (they’re 17).

She found the account and because my daughter used my information to set it up it had my name on the transfers. I tried to explain to her that I didn’t know anything about the account but she proceeded to threaten me and demand apologies.

She’s been blocked since then, and I forbade my daughter from going to their house after she went through my daughter to continue to speak hatefully about me. She has also said many foul things about my daughter.

Fast forward to last week, my daughter wanted to go on a trip with her boyfriend for spring break. I agreed because she told me the boyfriend’s grandmother would be facilitating the trip sans the mother. I paid for her to go and gave her money after she reassured me that the mother wasn’t involved in the trip.

My daughter didn’t call me the entire time she was gone, which was odd as heck. I messaged her a few times but I didn’t want to be overbearing because I understand she’s at the age where personal freedom is important but I couldn’t help but feel like I already knew why.

When she got home I asked to look at the pictures she took and noticed her boyfriend’s mother was tagged in them (iPhone). I clicked on the name and it went to a group text where I could easily see that the mother had been with them the entire trip. I was extremely upset by this and grounded my daughter.

I know that prom is important so I didn’t take it off the table at the time but I’d considered it strongly prior to dealing out the consequences. Today, I get a notification from her school app showing that she’s missing 10 assignments, some of them are a major part of her grade.

I bring it up to her and she doesn’t seem to care, brushing it off like I’m bothering her by asking about them. At this point I’m at my wit's end and don’t know what to do. I tell her that she’s not going to prom. She only replied with, “okay."

I know she cares as this is her senior prom and I don’t want to take it from her, but I don’t see how I can go through with it when she’s shown a consistent lack of care in regards to the rules I set forth as well as her success in school. Please be honest and tell me if I Am the Ahole so that I can get some perspective on this situation before moving forward.

Here's what people had to say about this one:

Fiotes said:

So your daughter: 1) used your information without your permission (which could cause you legal trouble). 2) Knows her bf's mom is nasty to you (over her actions), but 3) happily took your money while she 4) chose to lie to you about the mom going on this trip.

Is barely passing classes but refuses to take responsibility and gets annoyed with you for bringing it up. Is she spoiled? Because she sounds like a pretty self-absorbed teenager. No this isn't unusual behavior for teens BUT good parenting means letting them figure out that there are consequences for poor choices.

If you do let her go, make it clear that she has lost your trust and is now responsible for every cent and every action. And that means, no, she can't borrow your car or money or jewelry or whatever. Consequences.

Serious_Sky_9647 said:

YTA for blaming the bf’s “toxic” mom when it sounds like your daughter is lying to you constantly and causing the problems. She lied about setting up a cash app in your name. She lied about the trip. She failed to complete the assignments. Why are you upset with the mother when you should be getting to the root of your daughter’s behavior?

alphabetacheetah said:

YTA but for your extreme lack of parenting skills. Your daughter made a cash app account for her bf under your name and all you do is say she can’t go to his because of the mother? Then she lies about spring break and you did absolutely zero due diligence to make sure the grandma was actually doing the trip.

And you don’t even realize she has 10 assignments due. You really need to sort your relationship out with your daughter because i can guarantee she’d go to prom behind your back with that response.

Key-Strawberry-9954 said:

This is really tough. Prom is something that only happens in high school so she’d never ever get that experience back. Very different from just grounding from regular plans. My mom grounded me once for a similar event (I was being a brat lol so I don’t blame her) but my dad stepped in and renegotiated the punishment.

Instead of being grounded one weekend, I got two weeks of being grounded which I saw as fair. I learned my lesson and I appreciated my parents for caring about something had was important to me. It made me see them in a new light and actually improved our relationship.

I’d have a very clear conversation with your daughter and explain that you considered grounding her for prom but you’ll choose an alternative punishment that will actually have some effect. But that’s just my advice. I don’t have kids so I won’t presume to tell you how to raise your kid!

pachi33 said:

NTA. This is coming from a girl who was not allowed to date in high school (I still did in secret). However, please have a deeper conversation with your daughter. Why is she missing assignments?

It could be because of other reasons, not because she's preoccupied with her boyfriend. Encourage her further and compromise instead of punishing her by taking away her prom. I'm not a mother and parenting can be tricky but I think there are other ways to handle this.

NoHorseNoMustache said:

NTA, sounds like your daughter has been lying to you about a lot of stuff. Suddenly she's not doing a bunch of assignments. First off you need to have a long talk with her about that, second off prom should definitely be off the table since you apparently can't trust her at this point. It's just prom, she'll get over it.

aj_alva said:

This isn't about her boyfriends mom, if it was about that you would have used her bad grades as an excuse to keep her from going on the trip a few weeks ago...this is about her lying to you, ignoring her school responsibilities, and you WANTING to send her to prom even though you know she doesn't deserve to go. So, you're trying to say its because of this lady you don't like. YTA.