'AITA for not paying for my step-daughter's wedding? She won't let me walk her down the aisle.' UPDATED 5X
"AITA for not paying for my step-daughter's wedding?"
I 49M will keep this as short as possible but basically my step daughter 25F wants to marry her boyfriend 25M which was fine and all, I had the money to pay for the wedding what could possibly go wrong? Her father 54M has never been in the picture her whole life, he was a deadbeat father; Never took care of his daughter, never paid child support according to my fiancée anyway.
My step daughter was never rude with me and always showed respect so I always showed respect for her and bought all her the necessities she needed, maybe too much, now looking back I'm an effing ATM, what was I thinking?
Anyway since I'm paying for a 200k wedding, I just asked for my mother and her two step siblings to receive invitations since they are her siblings, my fiancée and daughter were like cool we will, now obviously this could be a mistake but invitations come around, my step daughter informed me that she didn't want any children at her wedding.
But that seemed odd to me because my fiancée's sister's children were invited so why weren't her own siblings invited, I ask her and she said it was just a mistake, probably a red flag but we move on.
A few days later my daughter-in-laws come to my house and a question was asked by the in-law targeting my daughter asking who's going to walk her down the aisle. My daughter announced it was her deadbeat f*** clown of a father, my fiancée was in shock from her announcement and my daughter kept going on about how they been in touch and the fact that he's her true father and at that point. I lost it.
I announced that her real father can pay for the wedding (he can't lol) since I'm a check for my step daughter, my step daughter started screaming at me and all the guests left the house, my fiancée wasn't too happy stating that I humiliated her in front of her in-laws and the fact they spent a year planning.
I stated that I wasted 200k on an ungrateful brat (may be an AH for this) and spewed insults towards her father (As you can tell, I have hatred towards that man) so AITA?
Edit: I want to clarify a few things briefly
Just because you saw a similar story or situation doesn't mean whoever the step father was the only person to be in this situation.
-Secondly my step daughter told me I would walk her down the isle then proceeded to LIE and HUMILIATE me in front of the guests.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
elsie78 wrote:
NTA. I can't even...$200k for a wedding? Insane.
And for her to use you, and string you along lying, like that? Hard NO.
OP responded:
£200k so about $257k.
PabloFlexcobar wrote:
NTA did you lose any money from the 200k or have you not spent anything yet?
OP responded:
I will update soon about how much I lost.
beaglebait68 wrote:
NTA. Your step daughter is, indeed, using you as nothing more than a walking ATM. and from your comments, you feel that's always been the case. I mean...200k for a wedding? seriously?
And for the ultimate slap int he face, even though you paid for everything for her growing up, she wants the man who abandoned her to walk her down the aisle.
As far as the in-laws, fiance, etc....if they can't see what's going on, then nuts to them. you owe no-one anything.
If your fiance turns on you over this....well, there's the massive red flag. No, you're absolutely right on this. don't pay a cent. if you've put deposits down on things, get them back if you can. then, take your money. buy a nice muscle car. I suggest something like a '72 Barracuda or similar muscle car. tricked out. it's your money. Enjoy it.
A few days later, OP shared an update.
If you want a quick summary here it is: I'm refusing to pay for my step daughter wedding as she lied to me that I would walk her down the isle when instead she told her in laws at dinner (while I was present) that she wants her deadbeat father to walk her down the isle who my fiancee claimed was apparently verbally abusive and refused to pay child support.
Lots of s#$t has happened these past few days and we have much to talk about. I probably should have mentioned this in my previous post but I had nothing to do with the planning nor did I want anything to do with the planning, it was all my fiancée and step daughter planning well a lot of you was concerned with the price of the wedding and you guys made me concerned too.
So as some of you requested, I asked my fiancée about the planning of the wedding and I came to the conclusion that from asking that I've just been a check to my fiancée and step daughter this entire time.
In the planning, the actual wedding itself would cost 40k which I can understand as there are over 400+ guests (we are south Asian) and the rest of 160k was spent on a honeymoon to Dubai; in this list of people, it contained my fiancée and her sister family, my step daughter, her man along with his parents and this invitation disgusts me her deadbeat f******* father.
At that point I went ballistic, I never agreed to pay for the honeymoon, only the f****** wedding and a honeymoon is supposed to be for the newly weds and my fiancée said this so calmly without any regret and expected me to be okay paying for other people's holidays and how could she possible be sane to think it was a calm and rational idea to invite the man who she claimed refused to pay child support and was verbally a******.
I lost my cool and f******* told her that she and her daughter took advantage of my money and was selfish to leave her two young children alone with me (I work 45 hours at my business) and decided it would be a good idea to invite her deadbeat ex who literally tried to lay his hands on me years ago, she responded by saying it was her daughter idea.
I then replied to her and said you and your daughter have 7 days to get out of my house and she started her circus act but there was no going back.
I then began the process of moving forward, I changed all my card pins so no more of my money can be used and I began the refund process, I contacted the venues and they were actually really nice and offered refund but it will take a couple working days maybe weeks for a refund.
As for the tickets to Dubai well let's just say I'm a lucky b***** as I was able to refund the tickets (75k) since I was still in fare conditions while the tickets were unused which brought excitement to me.
It hurt so much thinking how these people who haven't worked as hard as I have, thought it would be a good idea to use my money on first class ticket to Dubai. My fiancée told her daughter that I refunded the wedding and she didn't take it well, I won't go into too much detail as I have talked long enough but I was petty at the end and said that her real dad can pay for it.
This has been a s*** show of a couple days, I can't see my 2 young children every day now and I have lost my fiancée but some good news my oldest son (25M) gave his newborn son my surname which made me smile, at least someone appreciates me.
The comments kept coming.
bizarrre2020 wrote:
A man with guts 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾.. Well done.. Honestly I was losing hope seeing how. Soft some the dudes posting on this forum have been facing similar situations.
trilliumsummer wrote:
Ironically their greed to get first class helped getting refunds. Those types of tickets are usually refundable.
hospitalautomatic wrote:
NTA, how on earth do flights cost £75k. This sounds like a private jet or something. That’s a ridiculous amount. The whole ordeal is very dark sided.
OP responded:
Fly emirates first class which is ridiculous.
Not long after, OP shared yet another update.
I didn't expect to make another update but much has happened since I last update so here we go again. Firstly, as soon as I kicked my ex and her daughter out of my house, they went to social media to accuse me of controlling them with my wealth and being petty over cancelling the wedding because of small issues however.
What they didn't include in the post is the fact that I never agreed to paying for a honeymoon which they didn't include in the post surprise surprise, the second fact being my ex is saying I'm controlling them with my wealth yet is still begging for me to take her back and finally the 'small issue' being that I raised her daughter for 15 years.
I paid for basically everything for her and when I asked for a small f****** favour to walking her down the isle, she turns on me and humiliates me in front of her in-laws.
But I'm the bad guy and my ex and her daughter are innocent people, make it make sense. My ex's side of the family is sending threats to me but do I really care, no.
Secondly, I lost about 2k in total on refunding wedding stuff which I believe is of course expensive but overall a win on my side considering how I initially predicted I would lose 15-20k but I thank my ex and her daughter for not spending 200k on a wedding but on a wedding and plane tickets to Dubai, they saved me lot's of money.
Thirdly, my step daughter somehow found this post through TikTok and she is ordering me to take it down and to be honest I can't deny my thoughts but I truly believe my ex and her daughter are narcissistic as they truly believe their opinion only matter and that I don't deserve free will and should conform to them at all costs but I won't.
She is truly a hypocrite for suggesting that I should take down my post when she has a fake Facebook post blurting false facts, maybe I'm the cause for these people being entitled.
Fourthly, my kids are staying with me and they want to stay with me long term. My ex and her daughter went from a luxurious lavish lifestyle to a cheap apartment and my kids, let's just say they didn't take it well and they want to stay me which is a problem I need to solve since I work many hours but I don't want my children suffering because of my ex.
Finally, my ex daughter and her fiancée broke me because of false promises of a nice wedding and honeymoon to Dubai all gone. Her now ex fiancee accused her and my ex of theft (I may have told him and his family about what they planned) and other things, I have truly got lots of respect for her now ex fiancee, he completely understood my perspective and I can't thank him enough.
My step daughter and her ex came into my house thanks to my younger children opening the door for them and it turned into a shouting match that ended with me threatening to dial 999.
They left the house blaming me for everything and I said, get your real dad to pay for wedding and honeymoon, I also told them that I'm going Dubai with the kids and they didn't take that well. I wish I could cut my ex off but unfortunately she is the mother of my two children.
The internet continued to share their thoughts.
mdthomas wrote:
"Thirdly, my step daughter somehow found this post through TikTok and she is ordering me to take it down."
It's your post. You're telling a story of what actually happened. Her "order" means absolutely nothing.
OP responded:
Exactly my friend, I ain't gonna conform to her.
Cheddarbakedpotato wrote:
OP, you're a stronger man than me. Nothing but kudos for the way you've handled this, I would have gone completely scorched earth. They have no one to blame but themselves for the way they've handled the entire situation and what life has in store for them. Live your life with your kids as best you can and don't let those toxic dumpster fires try to twist things to them.
OP responded:
Unfortunately I have to be in contact with my ex since she is the mother of my child which is really annoying but we move on.
avlonnic2 wrote:
”…he said in his drunken British accent that he was 'Shagging my bird'”
What a great detail. I can almost hear it.
OP responded:
He was from Birmingham as well.
OP jumped on with another, shorter update, not long after.
I have gotten petty revenge on my step daughter and ex by going on their dream holiday. My ex and her daughter tried booking a holiday to Dubai behind my back with my hard earned money, so I kicked them both out of my house and took my children to Dubai. Life can do wonders.
The internet did not hold back.
Angryatworld247 wrote:
This is fantastic and make sure to take as many happy looking photos as possible and post them online for your ex and her daughter to see!!!
OP responded:
Here's another photo.
Capital-9 wrote:
Dubai is so fun! I’ll never forget skiing there and the camel races and the water park! Have a blast!
Steampunkharley wrote:
Good for you!!! I've read all your posts and just daaaaaaamn.
Two years after the original debacle, OP shared another update.
You may have remembered this post from a year or two ago, I’m the idiot who nearly let his ex and step daughter spend £200k on a wedding and honeymoon.
I deleted my account because I felt like I was at peace with my life but life screws with you in the worst possible way.
My mental health deteriorated over past few months after I left a long term relationship with my ex, I didn’t really mention that my state in my previous posts but it has crumbled. I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t had time to be with my kids and plus the fact that I don’t have primary custody, I’ve been struggling, we had such fun in Dubai but I knew it couldn’t last.
My ex doesn’t even allow my kids to speak to me and even if I want to speak to them, my kids aren’t interested in me. I hate sense of being lonely, I’ve been through therapy but it has ultimately taken me nowhere and it’s gotten that bad that I’ve not even been reliable at work, my son also lives far away and what I’m saying is I’m struggling, I live in one big house all to myself.
I’m thinking of just ending it all and although it’s selfish, I don’t even think anyone would care.
I don’t know why I’m posting on here but the internet is the only place that made me like I was actually cared for.
The internet was quick to share support.
Pure_Minute2100 wrote:
If your ex isnt letting you see your kids, you can probably go after her for alianation or something. You were willing to spend 200k on a wedding, dude fight to see your kids.
OP responded:
I’m tired of fighting, I’m tired of being used, I’m tired of feeling lonely and feeling pain, I’m sick of it all.
thinking_spell wrote:
I just wanted to offer some support and say I know it’s hard now. Sometimes it feels like it’s hard fighting and nothing ever will get better, BUT IT WILL! I was also s#$cidal about 10 years ago and felt like nobody cared, but I am so so grateful to my past self that I never went through with it! It can be hard to fight, but the fight IS worth it! Take a day at a time. You can always put it off.
Today you live for a really delicious dinner, tomorrow you can keep chugging along because that TV show you like is putting out a new episode, then you can keep going a week because you volunteered at that food shelter and they need you, and -oh shit- you adopted a dog and you can’t leave them alone so you have to stick around for their life so they don’t end up back in the shelter!
Do you get what I’m saying? Don’t just survive, but give yourself reasons why you are going to keep chugging through. Eventually you WILL meet people worth while! But the trick is while you pushing yourself you need to also put yourself in the path of other people.
For me it was my writing community, for you maybe you can find a men’s group that are also divorcées? Or maybe you pick up a new hobby? What I mean is there is always a reason to keep going, you just have to pick it. Be blessed OP and I wish you the same realization years from now that you too are glad you lived 💜
bigoofrider wrote:
Dude you got this! Just keep your head up! There’s light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just gonna be dark for a little while. Some people are just twisted and just remember if you’ve got 150k to spend on a wedding, you definitely have enough money to pay for some iron clad lawyers your ex never wishes she saw.
Pump a little money into that and you’ll definitely get visitation rights at least! Take a little time off. Do some stuff that makes you smile and try to forget about those people for a little while.
A few days later, OP shared another update.
I’m sorry for being an AH with my last post, I was genuinely considering ending it all, scaring people for no reason. I thought no one cared for me but I was about to do it but I received a phone call from my youngest asking if we can talk, she revealed that my ex’s boyfriend is calculating and ab#$ive, targeting her and hiding her scars in hidden spots so it’s not visible while forcing her and my son to be alienated from me.
I really thought they didn’t care for me and now I feel like a pathetic father, drowning myself in work and not protecting my children from that monster while they have been living in fear. My mental state is not well but I must stay strong for my kids. Thank you internet for helping me, for telling me, there is light down the tunnel.
Miracles really can happen, that phone call put a fire in me that can’t be extinguished now. This will probably be my last update but I will drop work and do everything to protect my children!
Edit: I will delete my last post, once again sorry for being an AH.
The internet continued to share their support.
JuneJots wrote:
You’re NTA, you’re a dad who just got hit with a brutal truth and chose to step up. Keep that fire, your kids need you more than ever now.
NirellaFawn wrote:
NTA. Look, depression lies hard. It told u they didn’t care, that they’d be better off without you, and all kinds of messed up stuff. But your little girl? She told the truth and it cut right through all that noise. That wasn’t just a phone call, that was her reaching out and saving you.
Now you know exactly what you need to do, straight from the ones who matter most, your kids. They’re counting on u to be the shield between them and that darkness. Scared? Yeah, that’s normal. But use that fear. Let it push you forward through every court date, every fight, every hard day ahead. They need you. And you’ve got this.
Simple_Fox_3518 wrote:
You’re NTA. You’re a dad who was at the edge. You were hurting so bad you couldn’t see how much you were still needed. But that call? That was no accident. That was your daughter reaching out because she still believes in you. You’re not pathetic. And that fire you feel? Hold onto it. Use it. Burn away every ounce of guilt and turn it into protection, presence, and power.
Dropping everything for your kids isn’t weakness. It's the most badass thing a Dad can do. You’ve got a second chance. Most people don’t get those. And even if you stumble, you’ve already chosen to stand. Please keep going. You matter more than you know. And your kids just told you that they want their dad back Stay safe. Keep fighting. You’ve got this friend. 💪
DonnyTheDumpTruck wrote:
We all, every one of us, are just trying our best. We are all alone in that we are the only one that can walk in our own shoes. That can be isolating. But we are also all connected because we share that same curse. And we can love one another and reciprocate, and have a few happy moments.
Then it will all be over. So let's try to make it through and nurture those connections, and let other people know we love them. You matter, and you are needed, as a father and grandfather. And we online also appreciate your posts and your company.