"AITA for not paying off my partner's debt??"
My partner and I have been together for a little over two years. During that time, we have kept our finances mostly separate. We split shared expenses like rent, utilities, and groceries, and we both handle our own personal bills.
This setup was something we naturally fell into early on, and it has stayed that way without major issues. I am careful with money and plan ahead. I budget for necessities, set aside savings, and make sure I am prepared for emergencies.
My partner recently told me about a large amount of debt they have, mostly from credit cards and loans that existed before we started dating. None of it is tied to joint purchases or shared responsibilities.
They asked me to help by paying off a big portion of that debt. The reasoning given was that being in a relationship means helping each other and that financial support is part of commitment.
There was no prior agreement about combining finances or taking responsibility for each other’s past debts. I said no. Paying off the debt would require using money I have set aside for my own obligations and future plans.
I pointed out that I already contribute equally to everything we share and that the debt was created independently. There was also no clear plan discussed about budgeting, repayment, or how this situation would be handled moving forward. Since then, the issue has come up repeatedly, with the focus staying on the idea that love should include financial assistance.
From my perspective, shared expenses are one thing, but personal debt is another, especially when it existed long before the relationship and was never discussed as a joint responsibility.
I do not believe it is reasonable to take on debt that is not mine and could affect my financial stability.
AITA for not paying off my partner’s debt?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA. Those debts existed out of your guys relationship, that's on them. They can ask for help, sure. But they are not entitled.
Yes! Love has nothing to do with this, OP. What steps has this partner taken to pay down the debt since you started dating? That will tell you everything you need to know about how financially savvy and responsible they are. Run!🏃
NTA. Not your debt. Not your responsibility. They are just trying to manipulate you. Maybe not the person for you if is acting this way.
This is why you have full financial conversations before moving in together. If you did and they hid their debt, that's a major issue. Regardless, at this point you are financially incompatible and should consider either talking to them about how to overhaul their finances or consider ending things.
NTA and if you see marriage on the cards I would be cautious - i have seen people destroyed by being a saver married to a spender (if you are American and their debt is medical maybe this doesn’t apply, but if it’s frivolous spending.) Separate finances means separate finances, for the most part.
NTA offer to sit down with your partner and help them come up with a re-payment plan for them to pay off their own debt. Then help them find a financial advise to see if a consolidation loan or bankruptcy is better for them. Give them support but do not pay off the debt. 2 years is not a long time and it seems like they are using you.
NTA but two questions. 50/50 expenses? Is income the same? If income is not proportional, perhaps your partner is struggling to pay down debt? Also is your partner clearly demonstrating trying to pay down debt and being financially prudent now? Lastly my comment is, if you decide to stay together, your partner’s debt affects you whether directly or not.
Huge red flags! Do not help your BF pay down his debt. Don't tie yourself to this man as he's going to do everything he can to get you to pay. Don't be surprised if he brings up getting married or gives you a ring.
And for the love of God, do not have a baby with him. You're independent and smart enough to know it's better to save for your future and to not live beyond your means. You're NTA but run! Run as far away as you can.
NTA. Honestly, I’d break up over someone repeatedly asking me to pay down their pre-existing debts when I’ve already said no. The fact that they aren’t taking no for an answer makes me nervous for you. Make sure your credit is frozen. They’re probably left alone with your mail and wallet when you’re in the bathroom - I’d rethink whether that’s still safe to allow.
Nope nope nope nope. And you need to rethink this whole relationship. Are they with you because they love you or because they hope you’ll pay off their debts for them? Your relationship is over. They will start to resent you for not bailing them out and “living the good life” without them. Start looking at new places you can afford solo or a new roommate.
Don’t do it! My best friend paid off her now-husband’s debt (before they were married). She’s also the breadwinner in the relationship. Over the years he has opened credit cards and ran the balance up with sports betting, and she’s always the one to pay it off. They have kids, and she won’t leave— and this summer he did it again, on 2 cards. They don’t change, and never learn.
NTA. My partner and I have been together for 20 years and our respective debts are our own problem to handle. At most, I've asked him to cover a bill or something that I would normally pay for if I was strapped one month. I've done the same for him when positions were reversed in the past.
But I'm not about to ask him to pay off my school debt or my credit card. That's between me and my creditors to handle. If you were offering to pay it, that would be one thing - and incredibly generous to boot. But by no means should there be an expectation.