'AITA for not planning anything for fathers day after my husband ruined my first Mother's Day?' UPDATED 2X
"AITA for not planning anything for fathers day after my husband ruined my first mothers day?"
I'm 98.7% sure that I am not the AH here, but I'm wrong I'm willing to admit it and learn from my mistakes. Our little boy will be one late this summer, so this was the first mothers day and fathers day for both me and my husband. My husband asked what I wanted for mothers day. I didn't want/need anything big or expensive. What I asked for is:
For husband to get up with the little guy and get him fed while I pumped and chilled
Breakfast in bed - just toast, scrambled eggs and coffee
For us to take the little guy to the zoo for the first time. This was the main thing I was looking forward to.
Go to my fav taco place for dinner.
Between morning and afternoon naps we have about 4 hours of awake time.
The zoo is abt 30 min away so I had figured if we left as soon as he got up from his nap and ate, we'd have a couple hours at the zoo and worst case he could sleep in the car on the way home.
We took my mom and my MIL out to brunch the prior weekend to celebrate them- his mom on Saturday and my mom on Sunday. I also got them each a thoughtful little present and flowers to celebrate their first mothers day as grandparents.
I arranged everything and told my mom and MIL that we'd be celebrating on the actual day with just our little family and sent them a group chat (which included husband, my dad and FIL) just to make sure everyone is on the same page. My MIL is very pushy and overbearing so I didn't want there to be any surprises or confusion.
The Saturday before Mother's Day, FIL sent my husband a text with a picture of all the mulch he just had delivered and said something like "gonna be a busy weekend!" or something like that. Apparently he had 300 bags of mulch (they have a big yard with lots of flower beds).
That night my MIL called my husband and asked him to come over first thing in the morning to help his dad move the bags of mulch to where they were going to be used. She said since we weren't going to the zoo until after little guy's nap, that husband could go over and help for a couple hours and then come pick us up to go to the zoo.
I was obviously not happy but she guilted him and said FIL was going to end up hurting himself if he moved all that by himself and that its not a big deal and should only take an hour or two. I told him his mom was doing this to try and get us to skip our plans and spend the day with them but he kept saying it's not a big deal, saying his mom promised it would only take a couple hours, etc etc.
I think most people know what happened - husband went over first thing, which means no breakfast in bed and I had to get up to feed the little guy. I was kinda pissed, but whatever. Spent time with the little guy then when he went down for his morning nap I texted my husband to let him know he should start wrapping things up.
Then when little guy woke up 2hrs later I called husband to tell him I'd be ready to go as soon as I finished feeding the little guy. He told me it was taking longer than he expected but that he'd hurry. Like an hour and a half later husband called and said they weren't done but he was getting ready to come home. It's 15-20 minute drive from MIL/FILs house.
At that point we'd missed the window to make it to zoo so I told him to just stay there and finish and not worry about Mothers Day since he hadn't done a single thing I asked for. I don't think there wasy any doubt in his mind how pissed I was. A little later his mom called and said since we decided not to go to the zoo, that me and little guy should go hang out with her while "the boys" finished with the mulch.
I admit that I was pretty pissy and told her I had no interest in spending time with the people who decided to ruin my first mothers day. I ended up staying home and ordering a pizza and binging Netflix. When husband got home he was all apologetic and asked how he could make it up. I was still pissed and told him he could make it up by not ruining my first mothers day.
I also told him he should plan on spending Fathers Day with his mom and dad bc me and the little guy were going to go celebrate Fathers Day with my mom and dad. Since Mothers Day MIL has been texting and calling but I've been keeping conversations short and just giving very bland generic responses.
My husband has been apologizing and asking what he can do but honestly I don't want to bother. I know it's just a day and we can celebrate any time, like we did with my mom & MIL. But it was my first ever Mothers day. And it's not like I asked for anything expensive or difficult.
The only difficult thing is he's incapable of setting boundaries with his mom. And she's incapable of considering anyones feelings but her own. This past Saturday he asked if I was still going to my parents then said he'd like to go with us. I told him he could do whatever he wanted but since I hadn't done anything for his dad he might want to go see him or something.
We did both end up going to my parents and spending the day with them. It was actually a nice day. My dad insisted on grilling because of course he did but the weather ended up being nice and we spent a lot of time hanging out on their deck playing with the little guy.
I'm not sure what if anything my husband did for his dad. I know he was getting a lot of texts during the day, I assume from his mom. She did send me a snippy text saying it was hurtful to spend the day with my family at the expense of husbands but I told her she got to spend Mothers day with her baby boy so it's only fair that I spend Fathers day with my family.
I know my husband was hurt that we didn't acknowledge him for Fathers Day but I told him while we were driving to my parents house that I'm just matching his energy. I admit that I haven't done anything to de-escalate the drama but I'm still just so hurt he continues to prioritize his mom's feeling over our little family.
This isn't the first time his mom has done crap like this and I'm just so tired of it. She always oversteps and insists on doing what SHE wants. I'm doing better at keeping her at arms length and holding my own boundries but my husband is absolutely incapable of it.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
XELA_38 wrote:
NTA. Look at the shiny spine on you!!!! Your husband should take notes!! You're a badass and I wish I had your spunk. Ask him why he'd rather be a good son than a god father? When is his child going to matter more than his mommy's fee fee? Im proud you're not letting her get away with her shit. What about Christmas? Birthdays?
OP responded:
So far it's been a lot of the same. Technically we've tried to alternate holidays or celebrate with one of our familys on a different day but his mom calls & texts nonstop if we spend a holiday with my family. I already told him this Christmas we are spending Christmas Day at home, just the three of us. That should be interesting to see what tricks MIL pulls out.
TarzanKitty wrote:
NTA.
Although, you knew your husband wasn’t go to make it by the time your son woke up. Why didn’t you just take your son and enjoy the zoo?
OP responded:
I really should have. I think I was trying to convince myself he'd come though for us. Lesson learned.
chrnor957 wrote:
Is your husband an only child?
OP responded:
We're both only children. But his mom is waaaaaayyyyyyy more invested in his life than either of my parents. My mom can be a pain, but when I ask her to stay in her lane she usually does.
13surgeries wrote:
Your husband has clearly decided having a pissed-off wife is preferable to having a pissed-off mother. The very first time he knew his dad had bought 300 bags of mulch (Holy frick! Does he own Rhode Island or something?), your husband should have said, "Wish I could help you, but we have plans for Mother's Day."
When his mom said it'd only take an hour or two, he should have responded, "Our plans are all day." The mulch could have waited.
ETA: Thank you for the awards! They're such a surprise!
Secret_Double_9239 wrote:
NTA but he still got to celebrate his first Father’s Day because he realised it was important to him so he made sure he went with you to his parents. Whereas for Mother’s Day he chose not to listen to you because he just didn’t want to grow a spine and stay true to the plans he made with you.
A week later, OP shared an update.
I posted here last week, you can find it in my profile if you want the backstory. I wanted to thank everyone. I've had a lot of people asking for an update, so here we go.
This weekend the husband and I sat down and talked about everything. I expressed to him how incredibly upset and disappointed I was at how both Mother's Day and Father's Day went down. I really wanted to recognize and celebrate my husband for FD every bit as much as I hoped he would recognize and celebrate me for MD.
He said he knew he shouldn't have gone to his parents on MD but didn't know what to do since his mom was pressuring him and saying if his dad got hurt it would be husbands fault. He admitted that he knew he messed up and has been terrified that I was going to ask for a divorce. Since he cut to the chase, I told him that if this is how our life is going to be, I don't want to stay married to him.
I explained to him that I realized that while yes, I was upset about what happened on Mother's Day, that isn't what is making me feel this way. That was just the straw the broke the camels back. This kind of behavior from his mom has been happening since we before got engaged and has just escalated. This has been happening for YEARS.
As someone here suggested, I had listed all the times/events (that I could remember) that she had overstepped or just completely ruined. For our freaking honeymoon, she called him TWICE A DAY. Every morning to find out our plans for the day and then every evening to hear how the day went. Plus the constant texting, asking for pictures, telling him how much she missed him.
I don't know how I thought this was acceptable. She tried to make our wedding about herself, tried to make my pregnancy about herself, tried to take over when we brought our son home, just constantly inserting herself and overstepping. I told him that I don't really want to get divorced right now, but it's going to happen anyway, I'd rather get divorced now while we can still do it amicably.
Because if nothing changes I'm going to end up so angry and resentful that it would make divorce very contentious and I don't want that for our son. At this point we were both crying, upset and emotional. So I told him that I'll give him some time to decide what he's going to do but if I don't see clear effort being made to start prioritize me and our son that I'd move forward with the divorce.
And the change has to continue. Every time we've fought about this in the past, he's promised he'll change and sometimes he has, but then his mom pulls him back into her orbit. If we are to stay married - these are some of the things I'm insisting on in no particular order:
We each own the relationship with our own parents. That means I'm not planning anything for his parents anymore. No cards, no presents, no burnches or parties, no pictures, nothing. If his parents reach out to me I'm going to redirect them to him.
I'm not entertaining or visiting with his parents when he's not around. I'm not taking our son over to theirs by myself. And if they "drop by" I'm not inviting them in unless my husband is there.
I'm not changing my plans at the last minute just because they decided to drop by without coordinating with us in advance or because they want us to do something with them.
Neither of us makes plans with our parents or accepts invitations until we discuss with our partner. And if we don't both agree the we don't do it. And we don't throw each other under the bus, we just say something like "we checked our schedule and we're not available."
Holiday's like Christmas, Halloween, Easter, etc are at our house. We can discuss inviting our parents but we're not going to someone else house to celebrate something involving our son when we can do it at home. This includes his 1st bday which MIL is trying to take over and plan.
Other holidays we're alternate between our parents. And we will focus on being present. That means no more texting/talking to his mom non-stop when we're with my parents.
No more oversharing with MIL. She doesn't need to know about our finances or health/medical issues or vacation plans or anything unless we both agree its something we want to share.
His visits to his parents can't be at the expense of spending quality time with me and our son. I don't mind him visiting his parents, but he's over there a couple times a week. We are his immediate family now, we should get priority.
We're not doing things just because she said we should. And we're not changing our plans just because she doesn't like them. She really doesn't understand that "Wrong" and "Different" are not the same thing. In her mind, if we're not doing what she wants, HOW she wants, then we are in the wrong.
He needs to go to therapy with someone specializing in emeshment. And we need to start going to couples therapy. I didn't even realize I have so much pent up resentment that I can't look at my husband the same anymore. I'm just angry at him all the time and I hate being this way.
When it comes to our son, our word (husband and me) is law. If she disregards or minimizes our decisions for our son, then she looses access until she learns to behave.
When me or my husband say "No" to either set of parents, the other person will support them and back them up. That means my husband has to stop trying to get me to agree with his mom all the time.
I can tell he's freaked out and really stressed about the idea of putting hard boundaries in place or distancing from his parents. And I do feel for him. He said he feels like he's caught between a rock and a hard place and that me and his mom are both putting a ton of pressure on him and both have conflicting expectations.
And that's fine. He just needs to understand that I'm not tolerating this anymore. I know this will cause an absolute shit storm with his parents but I feel like if we don't do it now, it'll just be harder down the road. What does everyone think? Am I being unreasonable? Are there other boundaries we should put in place?
The commenters did not hold back.
sunny394 wrote:
Nothing you’ve written is wrong or unfair, but it’s already not looking good for you. He admits that he knew he messed up and was terrified that you were going to ask for a divorce, but is also freaked out and stressed about the idea of putting hard boundaries or distancing himself from his parents.
There are only 2 ways I see this going: 1) this man will fail at putting up boundaries with his parents, you will resent him for being the spineless mommy’s boy that he is, and you will get divorced or 2) he will succeed at putting up boundaries with his parents, he will resent you for making him choose between you and his parents, and you will get divorced.
OP responded:
#2 did occur to me, and I fully believe it is a legit concern and possibility. But I feel like this is my last chance to try and turn this around. If it happens, that is on him. And I think it will just show that he'll never be ready or able to have an healthy, adult, romantic relationship.
Ghost_Crier_97 wrote:
I made a post not too long ago where I mentioned in the comments that my husband ranted that he felt stuck in the middle. The commenters really put it into perspective that there is no such thing as “being in the middle” in a healthy marriage. I communicated that to my husband and I think it really clicked for him that he was choosing to be “in the middle."
I told him that if we share the same values and goals, then he should already be sticking up for those values and goals to his parents, friends, or anyone. I say all that because your husband says he’s caught between a rock and a hard place, but he’s choosing to keep himself there. As you said, him going to therapy is a nonnegotiable!
OP responded:
Thank you for this! That is a great perspective to have! I'll explain this next time we talk.
PercentageBitter7198 wrote:
I think you should remind that if you divorce he will have the same problem with the next person. Does he feel ready to keep having his parents ruin his relationships?
OP responded:
That is an excellent point! I think his mom is at least partially responsible for some of his earlier relationships ending. I'll make sure to point this out!
FartMasterChamp wrote:
"He said he feels like he's caught between a rock and a hard place and that me and his mom are both putting a ton of pressure on him and both have conflicting expectations."
He'll never stand up for you. You're just wasting your time.
He's watched you be mistreated and belittled by his mother for years while he stood by and did nothing. He was perfectly fine for that to continue. But now that you're asking for less than the bare minimum, it's too hard for him. If you think this is love, you're so wrong. If he loved you, he wouldn't be able to stand watching you sad and hurt because of his mother.
But he's perfectly comfortable with that. What he's uncomfortable with, is standing up for you. My husband is a non confrontational person. He's EXTREMELY protective of me when it comes to family. His mom tried to say something questionable once. He shut it down and she never dared to do that again.
You're fooling yourself right now. This isn't about his nature. This is about the fact that he doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't be able to happily watch you suffer for years. Wake up and face facts. He's never going to change. He'll probably pretend to change to reel you back in. After that he'll be back to usual. Stop wasting your time.
OP responded:
I really hope you are wrong, but I'll be honest that late at night this is my concern. I would never allow my parents to act or treat him the way his act and treat me. If we do get divorced, at least I'll be able to say I tried my best and gave him every opportunity.
Organic-Willow2835 wrote:
My advice to you is start calling it out and explaining it in the moment. She calls and he jumps to take her call: "Name, this is our time together and you are once again prioritizing your Mom over us."
He divulges private information: "Name, would you like me going and spreading private information to my family about you? Because what you are telling your Mom is PRIVATE. Adults keep that information within the confines of marriage just like s#$."
You need to find that couples therapist and set up the appointment ASAP. Tell him the date and time and tell him if he is serious about saving the marriage you expect him to be there and you expect him to show up weekly. Lay it ALL out for the therapist.
OP responded:
Thank you for this advice. I've always hesitated to do this because I didn't want to come off as a nagging wife, but I realize now I was just enabling the status quo. But you are right, we need to have some way of providing feedback to one another and being able to communicate in an open and healthy manner even if the underlying topic is toxic.
It wasn't long before OP jumped on with another update.
It wasn't too long before OP jumped on with yet another update.
I've had a lot of folks asking for an update, so here goes! First off, thank you all to everyone who commented on my earlier posts, good and bad, it has been so helpful. Couple things I want to mention first.
A lot of commenters have been saying that I knew what I was getting into when I married DH so this whole thing is as much my fault as anyone elses and if I didn't want a mama's boy, I shouldn't have married one. Yep, you are 100% correct.
I ignored all the red flags, constantly told myself it would get better once we were engaged, then once we were married, then once we got pregnant, then once we had kids. And I think part of the issue is she's gotten worse over the years. It feels like one of those frog-in-a-pot-of-boiling-water situations. I don't deny I put myself into this situation but the fact is we're here now so we need to get it figured out.
A lot of other commentors said my "list of rules" was crazy and I'm just as bad as his mom. Maybe I am (more on that later), but I don't think there is anything about my boundaries that is unreasonable and there is nothing there that I expect from him and his parents that I don't also expect from myself and my parents.
I've said repeatedly, they all boil down to the same basic thing: showing each other respect and consideration. I'm not saying he can't see his parent or that they can't come visit or anything like that. I'm saying that his parents don't get to have priority over us and our little family, and neither do my parents.
First the good. My husband ended up surprising me with a trip out of town. He took me and LO down to San Antonio for a long weekend. We had been pre-kid and really enjoyed staying on the riverwalk and doing all the touristy stuff even though we only live a few hours away. DH ended up really stressed and kept apologizing because obviously this trip was much different.
It felt more like a military expedition with all the gear we took for LO and it wasn't nearly as romantic since we had a pack-and-play next to the bed. But I kept reminding him that what was important (to me at least) was that he took the initiative to plan something on his own and try to make up for Mother's Day.
Even though it wasn't exactly what hubs was hoping for, I had a really really good time and enjoyed spending time with my two guys and I expressed that to him. And to his credit, DH didn't answer when his mom called or spend all day texting her.
I know he paid for it when we got back because I heard them on the phone and it sounded like she was reading him the riot act for not telling them we were going, not inviting them along, and not answering when she called. I'm going to do something for him as a belated fathers day and we're going to try to build different, better memories of our first MD/FD, even if it's after the fact.
More good stuff, DH and I both have individual therapists we've been seeing weekly for the past several weeks as well as a couples therapist we have been seeing weekly together. And I'm going back to work full time next week so LO has been going to daycare part time to help him acclimate. The first day was pretty traumatic, more for me than for LO!
But, he's been adjusting well and seems happy when I pick him up after lunch (this is a huge point of contention with MIL b/c she wants to baby sit but I've said absolutely not because she won't respect any of our rules or boundaries). I've also been following through on my list of boundaries on my last post. I'm not NC, but I guess the term is I've dropped the rope.
Now the bad. For LOs first birthday I was planning something small and casual at our house. Just our parents, and a few close friends. Like, 10-15 people max, counting me and DH. I was going to make a smash cake for LO and more grownup type food/snacks/desert for us and guests.
I was planning some low key decorations because lets be honest, this kind of party is for the adults. Kiddo isn't going to remember any of it so I didn't want to go overboard. MIL hated everything about it and wanted to do it at her house, invite all her friends and relatives, serve more kid-centric food, get a store bought cake with all that super sweet icing, and go nuts with decorations.
I told her 'no, absolutely not. Our kid, our house, our plans'. She went crying to DH and he tried to talk me into letting her have her way. This has been a constant theme. MIL oversteps, I complain, DH puts up boundaries, and then just as quickly DH forgets about the boundaries.
We were able to talk about this in one of our early couples sessions and it was pretty enlightening. I'm sure all the people saying DH just ended up marrying some just like his mom will be gratified to know our counselor said "OP can have a forceful personality."
So yea, I'm bossy/pushy/opinionated/etc. How it came up is we were talking about the party and I was saying what I wanted to do and why I didn't want to let my MIL take over, etc and DH was trying to explain why we should accommodate MIL.
The therapist interrupted us and ask DH what HE wanted to do. DH started talking about my plan vs his mom's plan and the therapist stopped him and asked again what HE wants. Based on his reaction, I don't think anyone has ever seriously asked him that. He had a complete deer in headlights look and I really though he was going to bolt or start crying or both.
How we ended it is, if he truly doesn't have an opinion or doesn't care then he should probably defer to my (his wife) approach. He shouldn't delegate his right to decide to his mom. If he really want to do it her way, then he needs to express that and say he wants to do it her way because he really wants to do it her way as opposed to doing it her way just to avoid upsetting her.
Or if he wants something completely different, he needs to express that. But his mom's opinion is not and cannot take precedence. Nothing wrong with her expressing her opinion and him agreeing but that needs to be an active process as opposed to him just doing something because she said so.
That was followed up by a conversation about how I have strong thoughts and opinions and I need to give him room to have his own. So rather than saying: "I want to do x" and then expecting him to agree or disagree I need to say something like "For LOs birthday, I have some ideas but I'd like to hear what you think first so we can decide together."
We did end up doing the party the way I wanted because DH took the therapists advice and deferred to me since he didn't have an opinion. MIL was super pissy about the whole thing and ended up bringing a sheet cake despite me telling her multiple times not too. We didn't serve it during the party (because boundaries) which pissed her off.
DH and I have been munching on it as a late night snack after putting LO to bed and because of how insanely sweet the icing is, I'm glad I stuck to my guns. I feel better because I've put distance between myself and MIL and I'm not worrying about pissing her off so I'm not walking on egg shells any more. But I don't know if I'm any more confident about whether our marriage will survive.
I'm realizing that DH has deferred to other people (MIL and me) for so long he has a hard time having his own thoughts and opinions. I do still love him very much, and I'm not as mad as I was when I first posted. Now I'm more sad for him and I'm starting to understand him better. But I don't know if he can change.
I know she is complaining to him because I haven't been kowtowing to her and I haven't been visiting on my own or changing plans when they drop by unexpectedly but I'm not pushing him to establish his own boundaries yet. I think he needs to do more work so he can decide what HE wants out of all this. All that to say, we're still working through it and I don't know what's going to happen.
The internet did not hold back one bit.
Imaginary-Yak-6487 wrote:
Really hope the two of you can work this out. Be patient with him. The emeshment didn’t happen overnight & it’s not going to be fixed overnight. Glad you’re both in therapy & it’s working. Best of luck.
PersonalityWinter442 wrote:
I feel so sad for your husband simply because he has been bullied all his life by his mum. I’m happy to see that you both are making progress and I really hope things work out for the both of you.
cthulularoe wrote:
"DH started talking about my plan vs his mom's plan and the therapist stopped him and asked again what HE wants."
He doesn't have an opinion because his mom has steamrolled him on everyone all his life. That's why he defaults to siding with his mom, she's his decision making faculty. Glad your therapist shown a light on this. He still needs a lot of therapy to cut that cord. But it looks like you're on the right track with this therapist. Good luck.
FiberKitty wrote:
It sounds like he has some wonderful growth opportunities ahead. With you supporting his forays into the world of opinions, and with MIL held a safe distance away, I have hope that he can find out what he wants.