'AITA for not planning a SECOND wedding to cater to my father?' 'SURPRISE!'
"AITA for not planning a SECOND wedding to cater to my father?"
Buckle up, it’s a long ride. My father and I have been no contact for at least five years now. Long story short, his wife (I refuse to call her a step mother) was terrible to me my entire childhood. She controlled every aspect of his life and brainwashed him into thinking I was an evil malicious person.
Well from the time of no contact up until last year I had assumed he and his wife had moved back to our home state a thousand miles away. Last year out of nowhere his wife texted me and invited me to Easter dinner.
SURPRISE!! They still lived in the same state and town as me. I went to that Easter dinner and figured we could start rebuilding a relationship. Fast forward to this week. My fiancé and I had finally settled on a date and destination for our wedding. We are going to get married 5 hours away from where we live because that’s where most of my family and his family live now.
I had gone back and forth debating whether or not to invite my father because I figured he wouldn’t come anyway and didn’t want to deal with the disappointment. My sister essentially guilt tripped me into inviting him saying he would never miss my wedding, he isn’t that crappy (he attended both of my other sisters weddings).
Since I already invited his whole side of the family (who all live 30 min from the wedding destination) I said screw it and extended the invite to him and his wife. After a few days of no response his wife calls me...
(Of course he wouldn’t call me himself) and tells me my father will not be attending due to the fact that I invited my Gramz (his mother, who I have always had a good relationship with) and he refuses to be around her.
His wife then proceeds to give me excuse after excuse about how terribly my Gramz treated him and how it would be detrimental for him to be in the same vicinity as her. I was heartbroken. She then told me how malicious and selfish of me it was to plan the wedding at that destination and invite my Gramz bc I was setting my father up forcing him to see her.
This now brings us to her “compromise." Why don’t I plan a SECOND wedding where we live and I don’t invite my Gramz so that he can attend LOL. Essentially I’m supposed to rearrange all of my plans and compromise to cater to my father and his needs, rather than him compromise and be around my Gramz for a few hours. So AITA for not planning a second wedding the day before my real wedding?
Later, OP edited the post to include more information:
After I declined to “compromise” his wife then proceeded to have a hissy fit and tell me he would come if he has to but made sure to let me know how miserable he would be the whole time. Needless to say, I revoked my original invite to them, blocked them both and have gone no contact with them again.
My Gramz was also at my sisters wedding that he attended. So I know it’s all just an excuse to not come. I have always been treated differently than my sisters and outcasted by them but had hopes now that we’re all older that we could reconcile.
Here's what people had to say about this one:
MedicinalWalnuts said:
NTA. Originally, you didn't plan to even invite your dad and his wife. Now, they are trying to hijack the entire event. Don't let them.
Cappa_Cail said:
NTA but I’m curious as to why you went from bring guilted (by your sister) into inviting Dad to being “heartbroken” by his not attending?
hatterson said:
I think perhaps you made the right choice going no contact before and made a mistake undoing it. NTA.
cassowary32 said:
NTA. Just send him a streaming link to the wedding and be done. You should also remind him that parents usually pay for the wedding. Has he offered to contribute to either wedding?
True-Button-6471 said:
NTA - Dad refusing to go because Gramz is there is a him problem, not a you problem.
MaeSilver909 said:
NTA. You owe nobody anything. This is u to our wedding not theirs. Has your gramz been active in your life while your father hasn’t? Tell your father that he’s doing to you what his mother did to him & it would be detrimental to you to have him there.