'AITA for not punishing my child for a simple mistake and kicking my sister out?' UPDATED

"AITA for not punishing my child for a simple mistake and kicking my sister out?"

So I (30F) have a little girl (6F). I grew up in an environment where every mistake was punishable. Dropped ice cream? No more for the rest of the month. Accidentally broke something? Grounded. When I had my child I swore I wouldn't punish her severely unless it was very big.

So my sister (34F) lost her job so I opened my doors to her and her son (7M). It's been going pretty ok but I recently noticed how whenever her son would make a mistake he'd act like it was the end of the world.

For example, he and my daughter were playing tag in the house and they accidentally knocked over a vase. I heard the crash from my office at home and when I came my nephew started bawling and saying he was sorry. I asked him if they were both ok and told them that next time don't run around in the house.

He looked at me in confusion before running off when he heard his mother coming. I thought that was really weird but shrugged it off and cleaned up the mess.

So last week I took the kids to the park and my sister tagged along. I bought some ice cream for the both of them and watched them while they played. I needed to go to the bathroom so I asked my sister to please watch the two of them while I was gone. She obliged.

I come back and my daughter is crying, her ice cream is on the ground, and my sister is yelling at her while my nephew is also crying. I ask what is wrong and my sister tells me that while running around despite my sister telling her not to my daughter dropped her ice cream.

My daughter then said that my nephew was chasing her with a worm on a stick so she was trying to run away from him. I checked up on her to make sure she hadn't hurt herself before exploding on my sister.

I yelled saying she had no right to yell at my child while she said she was making sure my daughter didn't grow up to be a brat seeing as I don't punish her. I told her I make sure my daughter learns from her mistakes and only discipline her if it's warranted. I then told her to leave my house to which she did the very next day.

Now I'm getting messages from my family asking me how could i turn away my sister and her son when they had nowhere to go and I'm heartless. I feel really bad since her son did nothing wrong so AITA?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. You're doing right by your girl and you're breaking the cycle of abuse, which I can personally attest is extremely difficult to do. Your sister on the other hand is continuing the cycle and her poor wee guy sounds terrified of her.

MinerReddit said:

NTA - Punishing little kids for accidents is lazy parenting at best and extremely traumatizing parenting at worst. You need to look at the actions that led to the accident to determine what to do and it sounds like your sister needs to learn that. You're doing great and your kid is lucky to have you.

[deleted] said:

In a comment you said sister told you to butt out of her parenting when you tried to discuss it earlier. That would have been your perfect response when she yelled at your daughter and said you were raising her to be a brat. “Sis, BUTT OUT of my parenting. You are never to yell at or punish my daughter…ever…or I will put you out.”

NTA, though. Whenever someone complains to you, just say, “I’m sure sister will be grateful that you’re offering to take her in.”

_sobertaco_ said:

NTA for protecting your daughter. You might have flown off the handle a little quickly though with kicking her out. I struggle with having a healthy relationship with my sister after going through a traumatic childhood with her and it took me a long time to realize that’s neither of our faults. I’d reach out and apologize and share your feelings with her if possible.

sylviaca said:

NTA for protecting your daughter and trying to raise her in a better manner than you were raised. Kudos to you for taking an appropriate path. You might be a bit of an AH for not taking the same route with your sister.

Did you tell her anything along the lines of what you wrote here? I.e. that her overreacting is the same as what you both experienced growing up and you're trying to be a better parent? She is likely doing the same as she was treated and not even realizing it. It would be nice to give her a chance to grow and make it up to you and your daughter.

OP responded:

I accept your judgement. No, I haven't told her anything as when I first tried to she asked me to butt out of her parenting style. I'm trying not to overstep any boundary

EDIT from OP:

To some of the questions:

1.) yes I've talked to my sister about her parenting before and she didn't want to hear it so I butted out.

2.) My daughter has never broken a vase before. It was raining so they couldn't play outside. It was a one time thing. And I did discipline her by not letting them go to the park. I re-arranged the day.

3.) My sister and her son are not homeless. They are now living with one of her friends.

4.) I know my daughter was telling the truth because I've raised her not to lie and my nephew admitted to me he was chasing her with a worm.

5.) I kicked her out because she was yelling at my child. This has happened once before when my daughter dropped a cup when trying to pick it up and my sister yelled at her. I told her not to yell at my child and she agreed.

6.) I am on thin ice with my sister so right now isn't the best time to bring up my nephew. however the kids still talk over the phone at night so that's progress.

7.) I've sent my sister a message wanting to talk. She's coming over this afternoon

She later shared this update:

So, a lot of drama has happened these last few days so here's an update to you all. First of all, thank you for all the advice and helping me with my decision. I understand with the ESH and the YTA's that kicking my sister out was harsh and I do need to talk to my sister about her parenting.

So, I met with my sister in a coffee house which was very public and open setting. I sat her down and told her that yelling at children for a simple mistake was wrong and that she needed to tone down the yelling. She started to protest but I stopped her and said that to help her with no yelling I wanted my nephew to live with me for a few days every week.

I said that if she disagreed I would call CPS and take her son away. She sat down and begrudgingly agreed to let him live with me for two days every week. He is now living with me and everything is going great. I signed my sister up for anger management class which was part of the deal if she doesn't want me to call CPS. Thank you all for your supportive comments and I bid you all a great day!