'AITA for not putting my husband’s name on gifts I bought on my own?'
"AITA for not putting my husband’s name on gifts I bought on my own?"
I (27f) have been married to my husband (29m) for 3 years and we've been together since we were 18 and 19. The first 2 years we had been together, when we were still pretty young and our relationship was new, we bought Christmas gifts separately (except in some rare cases).
But when we got pretty serious, we started making gifts from the both of us to other people. Since then, he has not once helped me buy the gifts. That includes gifts for my family, our friends, but even gifts for his family.
Occasionally, he would give me some ideas as to what the person would want, but that was still pretty rare and the ideas he gave were most of the time very vague. And even when he gave me ideas, I was the one that bought the gifts and went Christmas shopping alone.
I was fine with it at the beginning as I really enjoyed gift giving and finding the perfect ideas for everyone, but it's been 8 years of this and it's getting pretty exhausting. I've also evolved in my career since we got together, and now have way less free time to spend buying gifts.
So last year I asked before the holiday season if he could help this year and we'd each buy some of the presents. Out of maybe 20 people we bought gifts for, he bought only one.
And he told me that he would "take care of it" until the very last minute but eventually forgot, so I had to buy his sister and mother a present less than 24h before Christmas. After that, I told him that I now expected help because this could not happen again as it was mentally and physically exhausting for me.
So this year I bought half of the gifts and he was supposed to buy the other half. He didn't. Yesterday I spent 7 hours at the mall trying to find the rest of the gifts and he was no help.
I sometimes called him to ask if the person would like a gift, if they already had it, or what he thought and he mostly said "I don't know", "maybe" and "whatever". I also have to add that I'm 6 months pregnant so this was extremely exhausting.
When I got home I was angry and tired and while wrapping the presents I decided that since he didn't help at all I wouldn't put his name on the presents. Usually we write something like "from Mary and John" (not our real names), but I just wrote "from Mary".
Today as we were packing all the gifts in the car to go to his parents's house he noticed that his name wasn't on it. I explained it to him and said that he didn't help so he didn't get credit for what I bought.
He keeps saying that it's unfair and that I'm gonna make him look bad, and asks that I change it. I don't know if I should. Maybe this is petty but I don't know what else to do.
I've asked for help many times and I'm just afraid he's never going to change. Should I put his name? Am I mean for this? How can I make him understand how much I need help?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
NTA, I just wouldn't buy them. Make sure your family is sorted and let him explain it to his.
RefrigeratorSalt864 (OP)
I almost did, but I love my in laws and they’ve always been really good to me and I feel like it would make their Christmas kind of sad and I wouldn’t want them to get the consequences of his actions, it’s not really fair to me…
That's great that you have a great relationship with your in laws but to make this whole thing fair for you, you should just make a new rule that the other commenter mentioned, that you buy gifts for your family and he buys for his.
And when he doesn't hold up his end of the bargain and doesn't buy anything, DO NOT GIVE IN. When you show up empty handed you tell your in laws the truth. It's 100% on him. Sometimes we just have to let go of what we can't control to make things easier on ourselves.
And let your in-laws know ahead of time that, “We’ve decided to split the gift planning / purchases…”. In fact, announce it THIS year to begin the foreshadowing process.
NTA. You've been carrying this responsibility for him for far too long and have gotten far too resentful for it to be healthy. Next year, you will have the additional responsibility of a child, in addition to the one you married. From my perspective, the best solution is to stop wasting hours shopping at the mall and just give people a combo token gift/gift card combination.
Examples: set of wineglasses and a bottle of wine, a box of movie snacks with DVDs or movie tickets, a baseball cap with tickets to a game, etc. Gift giving should NOT be this stressful, expensive, or time consuming.
If your husband has opted out, just make it easy on yourself by taking the approach I just suggested. As long as you choose things the person likes, it is a thoughtful gift. And it is enough.
NTA He's acting like a child, and you're acting like his mom. A mom takes a kid to the mall last minute to shop for gifts. The mom decides what gifts to buy. The mom wraps the gifts. The mom then writes the child's name on the gift.
Stop treating him like a child, and let him suffer the consequences of his own actions like a grown man. The humiliation should get him sooner or later, and unlike the gifts, only his name belongs on the guilt. Not yours.
NTA- he should be embarrassed. He’s your partner and you asked for help and he refused. Maybe it will take his family having just your name on the gifts to make him realize he needs to put some effort in.
We are similar here except we’ve been married 11 years. This year I flat out didn’t buy for anyone in his family (except my niece and nephew because they’re kids and it felt mean not to) and I told him he had to do it.
It’s Dec 22 and I know he bought nothing. So we will show up empty handed and if anyone says anything I’ll flat out tell them it was my husbands turn this year to buy gifts.
It’s not even about actually giving a gift, it’s about how these men can’t seem to put effort into anyone or anything else that doesn’t interest them. My husband has no problem spending time and effort doing things that benefit him, but has no time to do things for others and I’m sick of it.