'AITA for not realizing how much help my pregnant sibling needed?' UPDATED
"AITA for not realizing how much help my pregnant sibling needed?"
I (40F) have a sister (38F) who is 7 months into her second pregnancy. She is married and also has another child who is 3. Recently some extended family reached out about wanting to get together and we were supposed to go to a restaurant for dinner.
My sibling asked me about switching it to her house since it would be easier for her. We decided we would order food so she didn't have to cook and briefly threw out some ideas.
A few days before my sibling made a passive comment that she would be cooking because it would be too expensive to cater and I said I was confused bc we were all going to contribute.
Sibling still insisted on cooking so I rolled with it and we sorted out what I would bring. We chatted about other stuff up until the day before dinner everything was fine. The day of dinner...I called my sibling two hours before the scheduled time so I could let them know I was heading over a little early to help.
I got my ass handed to me that my 'pregnant sibling' had been spending all day cleaning and preparing while I thought i was going to just show up an hour before. That they only agreed to "lend" me their house to host (i swear this was never said) and that I should have been there hours ago helping out.
I started to say hey I'm sorry if you needed me there earlier all you had to do was ask and got screamed at that I 'should have known' and that 'everyone' was saying how wrong it was for me to 'throw this dinner on the pregnant woman' and that I look like a real AH to the family as she hung up on me.
A subsequent phone call to my mom ended with an angry 'she's pregnant and you're upsetting her!' justification without any opportunity to hear my side. I'm sure there is an element of hormones at play but I don't think its fair that I'm automatically wrong and the AH because someone is pregnant? So, AITA?
A few hours later, the OP returned with an update.
ETA UPDATE: I ended up calling my extended family and saying that it was too much for my sister with her pregnancy for all us to be at her house and that we needed to cancel or move the location. My extended family then called my sister who told them she was sorry but dinner was canceled. Dinner didn't happen.
I agree with some comments that my sister thought she could handle it then got overwhelmed. I suspect husband wasn't being much help so she got on his case in which he may have turned around and said I thought you were planning this with your sister why isn't she here helping to get her off his case which set her off on me.
When I said 'why haven't you called to ask where I am if you felt I should be there already? Why are you waiting until i call you?' She told me it was common sense and courtesy that I should have known she would need help. That this was my plan with our extended family and she was being kind enough to 'lend her house'. I pointed out it was her idea to move locations and was told 'irregardless!'
Mom will not fight with sister because she's afraid of losing access to the grandchildren. I'm upset and embarrassed at the dysfunction and I know I'm not going to get an apology. My sister will just avoid me then want to act like nothing happened as per her MO.
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
NTA, call everyone, immediately, and say hey, this is overwhelming for sis, so let's move it back to restaurant. She doesn't get to demand it be done at her place, demand to cook, and then turn into an utter nightmare because she can't do what she demanded to do.
^^^ This is the way!!!
I'm in a similar situation to you OP; my sister is a mom to three while I don't have any children.
There have been so many times over the years where she uses her 'mom card' to dictate and demand things and, in her eyes, no matter what I do I'm always wrong because she's a mom and I'm not.
Some days it's absolutely wild and even our family is blown away by how fast she'll 180 on us using her role as a mom as her go to excuse. Basically, set the precedence now instead of letting her get away with this behaviour. From my experience, these actions will only get worse over time.
LostinParadise4748 (OP)
It happens lot with us too and I can't believe it. I've listened to her vent many times about her in laws, our family, whoever and whatever. Even if im busy i make the time! Then when its my turn she is always too busy and plays the 'you're not a mom so you don't get it!'. She's right I'm not a mom and can't possibly fully understand her struggle. But that doesn't make me any less intelligent or important!
NTA. So... your sibling moved the location of the meal, because it would be easier for her and is now making a fuss, because of all the work involved? Your sister made a series of decisions that created this situation and at no point said anything or reached out for help.
This is all on her. You are not a mind reader. You could not know. And at every turn you offered solutions that would have in fact made things easier. Your sister needs to get over herself.
NTA - You waned a restaurant, she chose to have it at her house since it was easier for her. You wanted to order food, she wanted to cook to save money. She made all these choices and made everyone else go along with them, and never mentioned needing help.
And where’s her husband? Why isn’t he helping? Why are you getting in trouble for her choices? Definitely NTA, everyone wanted to give her 0 work and she chose to give herself most of the work.