'AITA? My fiancé is mad I didn't realize my MIL has been insulting me for years.'

"AITA for not realizing my future MIL was insulting me for 8 years?"

So I (30F) have been with my fiancée (30M) for eight years. We’ve been together since our early 20s, and honestly, I’ve always had a good relationship with his family — or so I thought. His mom (my soon-to-be MIL) is this elegant, polished woman who’s always been kind of… teasing? She’d make comments about me that I thought were lighthearted or affectionate, and I’d laugh along because that’s just how I am.

For example, she’s always said I “laugh like a baby.” I never thought that was an insult — because, well, I do laugh kind of loud and goofy. It’s this ridiculous honk-squeak thing that makes other people laugh too. So whenever she’d say, “Oh, there she goes again, laughing like a baby!” I’d just smile or even agree. I figured it was harmless.

Apparently, it wasn’t. A few weeks ago, my fiancée and I were at a family dinner, and she made that same comment. “You laugh like a baby,” in that tone that I thought was teasing. I just said, “Yeah, I know!” and giggled. But my fiancée’s face went stone cold. He snapped at her and said something like, “Can you not insult her at every opportunity, Mom?” And everyone got quiet.

Was just sitting there confused, like… what insult?? Later that night, when we got home, I asked him why he got so upset, because genuinely, I didn’t see the problem. That’s when he blew up. He said, “Are you serious right now? She’s been insulting you for years! You just sit there smiling like she’s complimenting you!”

Apparently, all the little nicknames and teasing comments she’s been saying over the years were actually backhanded or downright mean. Like, she’s been calling me “maleunmagdaegi”, and I thought it was some cute nickname she had for me because she always pinched my cheek and said it with this sweet tone. I recently found out it translates roughly to ‘skinny stick’

My fiancée told me that he and his siblings and dad have been defending me behind my back for years because she’d make comments about me — my laugh, my clothes, my cooking, my “accent” — and I never pushed back or said anything, which apparently just encouraged her. He said it made him feel like I didn’t respect myself, or like I secretly agreed with his mom.

That part really hurt. I never thought that. I just… genuinely didn’t know she was insulting me. I thought it was banter or just her way of joking. But now, everyone’s mad at me. His family thinks I was letting her “walk all over me” and making them the bad guys for constantly having to step in.

My fiancée is staying at a motel right now because he said he needs space to process and that he doesn’t understand how I could be so oblivious. And I just feel horrible. I didn’t mean to let her insult me. I didn’t even know she was insulting me! But now I feel like I’ve broken something important because he said it’s exhausting defending someone who won’t defend herself.

I’ve tried apologizing and explaining that I didn’t grow up around backhanded insults — my family teases each other, but it’s always obvious and lighthearted, not this subtle, smiling kind of shade. He said he believes me, but he’s still hurt. So now I’m sitting here, feeling like the world’s biggest idiot, wondering if I’m the AH for not realizing it sooner and maybe causing all this tension.

This is what people had to say to OP:

TheWacoFogey said:

This has been going on for eight years and your fiancé only NOW has gotten fed up enough to talk to you about it? Why is HE "hurt" about this? It sounds like you two have some significant communication issues. You're NTA, but both your FMIL and future husband are.

ScarletteHippie said:

You aren't the a$$hole,it's amazing that you have such a kind heart that you didn't even think that she could have been being an jackarse, I wish the world had more kindhearted people like you, and quite honestly it's your fiancè's Job to defend you just like it's your job to defend him, not the a$$hole, your MIL is definitely an a$$hole though 🤷🏻‍♀️

nonchalantenigma said:

Your fiancé and his family is mad you didn’t realize you were being insulted… this is a weird DARVO I have ever heard. The real question is why, in 8 years, did none of them think of check to see if you felt insulted or to see if you were aware mil didn’t like you? In 8 years did your fiancé never pick up that you had no idea mil didn’t like you?

NTA. It is not unusual to misunderstand someone because intentional and interpretation of something is dependent on an individual’s point of view. However your fiancé needs to answer and clarify a lot.

Gringa-Loca26 said:

Please don’t marry into this horrid family

And GreenTravelBadger said:

Your fiance has been eating this for 8 years? Just now got his belly full, did he?

Find a man with a spine.