'AITA for not realizing the way I texted with my friend's husband was not okay?'
"AITA for not realizing the way I texted with her husband was not okay?"
I (26F) used to be very close friends with “Mila” (27F). We talked every day, she was like a sister to me. Over the last few months I also got closer to her husband, “Luke” (28M). We chatted a lot, sometimes late at night, but it didn’t feel inappropriate. We joked a lot, sometimes about sex, because we both have high libidos while our partners don’t.
It felt like honest conversation between friends. I liked talking to him; it felt good to be heard. I admit I enjoyed the attention a little, but not romantic. Then out of nowhere Luke texts me a huge message saying he reread everything and realized it was “deeply disrespectful” to Mila.
He said he was taking full accountability, that he crossed boundaries, and was going to tell her everything immediately. He said it was entirely his fault. I was shocked because I genuinely didn’t know what he meant. I replied that it wasn’t only his fault because I was part of the conversations too, and if something came across badly I was sorry, even though I didn’t know exactly what part she meant.
The next day I reached out to Mila. I told her I hoped she was okay and asked if she could explain what exactly she found disrespectful. She never replied. Two days passed. I thought at some point she’d answer so we could talk like normal adults. A few days later she left our friend group chat without explanation.
People from the group started messaging me privately because Mila said “something really hurtful” happened but didn’t want to explain. Now some of them are suspicious of me, wondering if I did something wrong. I have no way to defend myself because I don’t know what she thinks I did. It feels like I’m being put in the villain role for a crime I didn’t even know I committed.
I reached out to her again, saying I didn’t understand why she was angry when she never communicated anything, that if anyone was to blame it would be Luke for not stopping sooner, and that I hadn’t done anything wrong. I also told her she was being a bad friend by not talking to me and that I felt lately she only came to me to vent without checking in on me. She didn’t reply.
Meanwhile my boyfriend asked to see the chats to understand why Mila cut me off. I showed him everything.
Now he’s upset too, saying it was humiliating that I vented about him not always being in the mood for intimacy.
He also got emotional over a part where Luke vented about an argument he had with Mila, and I responded, “You always say you have no friends, but you have me,” and asked if he was sure he was happy. My intention wasn’t to manipulate him. He was also concerned that so many of these chats with Luke happened late at night.
Now everyone thinks I’m shady, even though I still don’t know what I did wrong. From my perspective, it was just joking around and talking, nothing more. AITA for thinking Mila is overreacting and for being confused about what I supposedly did wrong when she won’t even talk to me?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
never-fails19 wrote:
Big YTA. You don't text like that with your supposed friend's husband, especially late at night. You admitted to enjoying the attention from him and even if it wasn't an emotional affair before he stopped it, you were definitely heading there. Mila and your husband have every right to be upset.
OP responded:
I think you’re correct. At this point I have to admit I have a messed up understanding of human relationships, because yes, I deserve cruelness for what I did, but I can’t seem to be able to shake away the feeling of him getting away with it and getting defended like you did in the comments.
He enjoyed the attention at least as much as I did. As far as I know, they are still together. Granted, they have kids. But I’m losing everything, and he’s not. I can’t make sense of it.
Dittoheadforever wrote:
YTA and so is Luke.
"We joked a lot, sometimes about intimacy, because we both have high libidos while our partners don’t."
"I admit I enjoyed the attention a little,"
"My boyfriend asked to see the chats...now he’s upset too, saying it was humiliating that I vented about him not always being in the mood. "
"I responded, 'You always say you have no friends, but you have me,”'and asked if he was sure he was happy."
Hmm...sounds like these chats were building up to something whether you're willing to admit it or not
"Now everyone thinks I’m shady, even though I still don’t know what I did wrong."
I hope "everyone" is looking at Luke with the same raised eyebrows.
OP responded:
I don’t know what they think about Luke. From what I could gather, him and Mila aren’t seeing the group much. I’m assuming they are focusing on their relationship, but it’s just a guess.
MoxieOHara wrote:
YTA - a good rule of thumb is don’t text/say anything to anyone that you wouldn’t want your partner to read/hear. Obviously there are exceptions, and obviously we are all entitled to vent, but the fact that you’ve hurt two people who are supposedly close to you and can’t understand why, is probably a cause for self reflection.
If you genuinely can’t understand why your boyfriend and friend were upset by the tone and content of these messages, I genuinely don’t know what to say to you. Is this your first day on planet Earth?
NeedsitRough wrote:
Girl wtf. I'm so afraid of coming off as flirty to my good friend's husband that I restrict my texts to him to strictly about her, or if it's not about her, I'll mention to my friend I'm going to send x to him (it's almost always stuff about their cat).
I don't want to flirt with him, I'm not into him like that at all, I just love and respect my friend so much that I don't want to do or say anything that would make her second guess the nature of mine and her husband's relationship. I would never even think about discussing anything sex related with him. YTA, no question.