'AITA for not reminding my ex husband about our daughter's graduation?'

"AITA for not reminding my ex husband about our daughter's graduation?"

A bit of a back story. My ex 43 and I 43 have been separated for years. We both went thru rocky periods with substance use. I got clean and he continued to use off and on, choose toxic partners, and not help at all with our 3 girls, now 20,19 and 16. Previously we alternated whose house the girls lived at according to their wishes and the other parent had weekends and vacations.

A couple of years ago my daughters no longer wanted to stay with dad. I tried to encourage a relationship but it was very much me and the girls reaching out and me doing almost all the driving back and forth the almost hour to where he moved. My middle daughter 19 went and tried to stay one more time with him 3 years ago.

She became his babysitter for his other child, cook, house cleaner and verbal punching bag. She had a mental break down and I took her home to me. Got her counseling and listened to all she had to share with me. Loved her and wiped all the tears.

My girls finally communicated the mental and emotional mistreatment they endured and didn't share for fear of him getting angry. I put myself in the middle and put a stop to any of that. I let him know any of that and we'd have legal ramifications. And validated all their emotions. It was heavy for them but a heaviness I would gladly carry.

Two years ago our oldest graduated high school, I continued to pay for everything, clothes, pictures, hair, senior events, all the graduation expenses as well. With no help. I kept communicating with him and reminding him when things were. He showed up.

Fast forward to last year, I've now paid 14,000 for braces (he stated he would help pay) for the girls and began the senior adventure with middle daughter. Ex stopped responding when asked for any help. So I put him out of my mind.

I took time off work, ran here and there and did everything I could to make senior year special same as oldest. Including trips to the university she's attending, so many scholarship applications, financial aid and buying her everything she needed for college.

I stopped messaging ex and left it to my middle daughter to communicate with him if she felt the need. It was her decision. She said she'd wait to see if he reached out as we all know June is graduation time. He never did.

Fast forward to the day we're getting ready to go and he calls me all mad that I didn't reach out to him to tell him, I got called an a$$hole for not including him and reminding him, communication works both ways he said. I don't feel like IATA, but what do you all think?

This is what people had to say to OP:

Sawses said:

NTA. Sounds like he's very much the "do absolute bare minimum to give the kids hope" sort of deadbeat dad. You gave the power and the choice to your daughter, spoke about it with her, and she decided he could show up if he cared to.

Speaking as somebody who has family that I'll never talk to again if I don't take the initiative... Some of us would rather lose that relationship than be a distant second. The important thing is to let it be your daughter's choice, and to communicate to your ex that it's up to him to do the heavy lifting from here on out.

You don't have to justify it, defend it, or explain it. Whether it's fair or not doesn't matter, because you've got the power. You can just say that is how things are, tell him you'll allow him access to all the information he needs to be there for his kids, but it's his job to actually be there if he wants to.

GotMySillySocksOn said:

I’m sorry but I think YTA. My job as a divorced mom is to do everything I can to keep my divorce friendly and civil. I do it for my children. I would have told him about the graduation.

OP responded:

And I appreciate your thoughts on this. My job as a divorced mother, is to first care for my children. It is my job to make sure they know they're loved, cared for, that I'm here for anything they need and that they'll succeed with me behind them. We are friendly and civil, and he knew she was graduating but chose to not reach out. But I've come to the point it's not my job to facilitate his involvement with the girls.

Singledram said:

NTA, but you ladies needs therapy to deal with Stockholm Syndrome. That trauma bond keeps pulling you all in after all the years of abuse, you still can’t cleave from your abusive, irresponsible, gaslighting pos you call an ex… who can’t even be a man for his daughters. Id protect your daughters from him bec it might give them “low standards” in choosing their future partners.

OP you lost half of your good life stuck to that man, you’r want to help your girls avoid such men. Pls collect all those receipts of abuse, file for a restraining order and avoid him like a plague. Good luck moving forward to a bright future for yourself and you girls! 💪

OP responded:

Thank you! We've all been in counseling. The girls know their worth, the 2 youngest have chosen to be single and build friendships and go to college. The older girl is in an amazing relationship with one of the most incredible young men.

They know the cycle they're looking at and chosen to break it. We have open communication on my bad choices in partners and what they deserve to get and give to others. And I have all the receipts.

Comicreliefnotreally said:

NTA. Glad he understands communication works both ways. He should try it.

Amazing-Wave4704 said:

You're not his social secretary. I'd get all contact through parenting app so this shit is documented. dont answer any communication any other way.

cx4444 said:

With how he treated your daughter in the past, Why do you even feel an ounce of guilt

OP responded:

I don't. I've done all I can, should have and more. The only guilt I feel is not knowing what was going on there, and stopping it sooner.