'AITA for not replying to my mom’s messages for a few hours and then snapping at her?'
"AITA for not replying to my mom’s messages for a few hours and then snapping at her?"
Yesterday my mom called me while I (28F) was sleeping and immediately started shouting at me for not responding to her messages. I could barely understand what was going on because I woke up from her yelling in the phone, but then I looked up the messenger and indeed there were two messages sent 3 hours ago.
I tried telling her that this is stupid and that I can’t respond to her messages in my sleep. To which she said no one sleeps at that time of the day and that I can continue sleeping all I want, she doesn’t care. I was sleeping from 3 to 6-ish pm because I wasn’t feeling well.
There was a lot of back and forth messaging in the next two hours. My mom said that this is not the first time I’m not responding to the texts and that she’s fed up with my behavior because according to her I feel like I’m better than everybody else and she has to “live by my rules."
I tried my best to keep calm, but in the end I snapped at her because she was acting like a psychopath. I told her to go check her head and that was the end of the conversation. Now I know that I shouldn’t have said that and I’m not proud, but am I really TA here?
She has a surgery at the end of the month and I know I’ll have to talk to my ice queen. Until then it’s probably going to be silent treatment because that’s her favorite warfare. Even when I reach out she’s going to keep being bitter and say that she doesn’t need anything from me. I’m honestly tired of this, but I can’t leave her alone during the surgery because i’m not a monster. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Dramatic_Change6103 wrote:
My mom was extremely similar to this. Learned in therapy after her passing that she was emotionally toxic. Go to therapy, discuss going low to no contact. Trust me. NTA.
OP responded:
I’m in therapy but there’s a lot to unfold, so it take a lot longer than I expected. Either way, my therapist is definitely going to be hearing about this situation.
Ada_Ser wrote:
You are TA to yourself. Silent treatment? Take it as a peaceful gift. She yells? You hang up. She guilt trips? You hang up.
You are not an AH but you need to stop playing her games.
OP responded:
Completely agree, I guess it’s just harder than I thought to stop repeating the same pattern.
Truebeliever14 wrote:
NTA. Your mom sounds very controlling. Don’t give in to her nonsense or apologize, call her before her surgery to see if she needs anything.
OP responded:
Thank you, I'll message her but I doubt the receipt will be great. Either way, I’ll do my part.
wicked-valentina wrote:
NTA. You are not at your mom's beck and call. Just stand up to your mom and agree with everything she lobs at you. Mom, I will answer your texts when I feel like it, and YES I AM BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE, why? Do you think you're better than me? Prove it. Then let her be silent all she wants. She's grown already and can take care of herself.
Most importantly, stop reacting when she yells at you. Just be silent. Rob her of any feedback from you. Also, learn to hang up on her if she doesn't behave appropriately. I can't tell you to stop caring, of course. But you can certainly pretend you don't care. You are not the parent here. You owe her nothing.
OP responded:
I really do need to learn to stop reacting. I’m an easy target because I get defensive and reactive at times and she obviously knows it. But you’re right, this needs to be addressed properly.
oneyedsally wrote:
NTA. My mom is the same way. I finally learned when I was much older than you that bending over backwards to answer her phone calls wasn’t actually helping, so I have boundaries now. None of the things she wanted to talk about were EVER urgent. A call back in a few minutes or later that day was perfectly reasonable.
She would get mad because she was calling when she thought of something to tell me or when she was available to talk, and get mad at me when I didn’t answer. For example she usually leaves work at 3pm and called me every day on her way home. Most of the time I didn’t answer as I was at work. Then someone scheduled a recurring daily 3pm meeting and I was never available to take her calls anymore.
She got mad because it was a good time for her. Like sorry this isn’t a good time for me to discuss your vacation idea for next year when I know you’re going to change your mind anyways. I would feel I had to answer the phone no matter what because it was easier than the consequences (yelling, snarky comments, etc) and then I would put myself in a worse position and be mad at not only her but also myself.
I’d answer with my hands full and drop things, I’d be at a store checkout or in a waiting room and feel so rude. She’d call when I was trying to get the kids to nap or sleep and ruin it all. She’d call me at work and make me late for meetings. I realized that she didn’t know any of this stuff was going on (although a reasonable person wouldn’t call during work hours) so me getting huffy didn’t help.
A simple heads up to her ahead of time if I’m not going to be available has helped a lot. “Hey I’m going to the movies and won’t be able to talk for a few hours”. I don’t do it for everything but if I sense that she’s going to reach out.
OP responded:
Mine is more or less reasonable with when she calls, but I guess in her mind I'm ignoring her texts on purpose. Sometimes I really do see the message and don’t respond because it’s nothing urgent. But I didn’t think it would become such a huge problem.
I don’t like texting and I told her that if it’s something urgent she can always just call me like I do when I need an immediate response. to which she said “I called once but I won't anymore." And then proceeded to rant about me making up rules and being better than everybody else.
Adhesivenessok9716 wrote:
So what was so important when she kept messaging and calling.
OP responded:
There were two messages - one was her lab test results and the second was just checking if we’re going to the movies. Now we’re not going to any movies obviously.