'AITA for not to return home to see a dying grandmother because going home triggers me?' UPDATED

"AITA for not to return home to see a dying grandmother because going home triggers me?"

Hello everyone,

I’m posting here because would like to have some outsite prospectives and to know if I am just selfish.

I (34F) live very far from my home country (Italy). I’ve built my life abroad over the last several years because my family environment after my dad's stroke in 2016 has been deeply traumatic for me.

Just the idea of going back even for a short amount of time, triggers intense physical symptoms like nausea, tight chest, insomnia, inability to eat, panic, and intrusive thoughts about wanting everything to stop.

I would like to give you all some context:

I grew up in a small village in south Italy. I had a nice childhood but things started to change when I was in middle school. I don't know if was because of the enviroment or I have always been mentally unstable but at the age of 15, I started to suffer from an ED that lasted three years.

My hair and teeth fell and suffered from a severe depression. During university because of the isolation and the depression from my studied the depression deepened. (I didn't shower or brush my teeth for weeks at the time). When my father had the stroke and became permanently disabled, I had just graduated and was 24.

My mother refused outside help and took all caregiving (she is a nurse) on herself while constantly crying, yelling, and emotionally unloading on me. I was repeatedly made responsible for her emotional survival, including threats when I tried to leave.We lost the house because of debts, there was and still is constant fighting, and zero emotional safety at home.

During that period, I my already severe anxiety, depression, deepened and got to a state I was not able to eat or sleep anymore. Returning home repeatedly retraumatized me; I associate the place with feeling trapped, powerless, and I want to end things.

In November 2016 I left the country with almost nothing and slowly rebuilt my life abroad. Being away is the only reason I stabilized and can live in society. The current situation: My grandmother (88) has terminal cancer that has already spread.

My family is asking me to return to Italy because it’s supposedly her “last wish” to see me. I’m currently under major stress (job instability, visa pressure, financial insecurity).

I live extremely far away (Japan). Contact with my family and the idea of returning home reliably causes severe panic. I feel deep love for my grandmother, but being physically present would mean entering the same environment that has repeatedly broken me.

I feel unbearable guilt for not going. I’m afraid of being judged as selfish or heartless. At the same time, my body reacts as if going back would be dangerous. Thank you for reading. I truly appreciate any perspective or advice.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Corgirelative8084 wrote:

NTA. I work with hospice patients as a caregiver. Find out who is caring for her. Send her a picture or some momento of you two. Maybe set up a call if she still has her hearing. Hearing your voice will comfort her. You don’t have to physically be there. Ask if there is anything you could send or provide to make her more comfortable.

Warm fuzzy robes and blankets to keep her cozy will have you on her mind feeling safe and secure. Many times it is more for the person who has to go on living without their loved one who needs in person closure. Not the person passing.

She will not suffer much from your absence. She’s probably not entirely alert or oriented to know who is in the room with her, she may only know when she is alone vs not alone. Ensure her caregiver has the resources they need, that is more than enough.

OP responded:

Thank you for your kind advice. My mum and aunt are taking care of her. They never leave her alone. The good people and love her deeply, also my mum is a skilled nurse.

May I ask you, how do you do mentally, working there?

RedPandaFan74 wrote:

Can you not video call your Grandma with help from family members (not your mother?)

OP responded:

I video call her when my aunt is there. Sometimes when my mum is there as well.

Helpful_Leather8917 wrote:

You're NTA for being scared of what's going to happen that's completely natural when you go through trauma in a certain place. Is it possible to facetime your grandmother or send her cards or something?

I understand it isn't the same as being there physically and as you said it would be terrible for you - does your grandmother understand that?

Honestly though it's up to you, I am so sorry for your grandmother and I hope she passes as peacefully as possible but if going to a certain place is extremely traumatic for you then you kind of need to communicate that with your grandmother if you haven't already and if not do the best you can from where you are able to.

OP responded:

I call her constantly. She is alert, just weak because of the illness.

teresajs wrote:

NTA.

You could talk to your grandmother over FaceTime/Discord/etc...or on the phone to let her know you're thinking of her.

OP responded:

I love her deeply, and I am always sure I let her know. Since a kid I have problems expressing love and with physical touch, she was the only only I hugged constantly.

WiseDeparture9530 wrote:

My heart breaks for you. You’re immersed in the reality of the complexity of emotions - you needn’t chose one, but rather experience them all. Staying home sounds like the healthiest choice. Let rhe other felling wash through you. Talk to your gram about everything bit she loves you she’ll understand. Sending light and love.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. Since I move abroad the guilt is eating me. I have been sick numerous times because of it and honestly I am not sure how to deal with it yet. I suffer from OCD, generalised anxiety and depression so just living a normal life is hard for me, this, I really don't know how to deal with.

Not long after posting, OP shared an update.

Edit: There are a couple of things I would like to add, maybe be unrelated to my grandma but will make anyone better understand the relationship between me an my family.

1. In 2020 because an infection my already terrible teeth conditions got worse, so bad I could not eat regularly. The doctors told the situation was too severe and I would have not be able to afford it anyway. Luckily, I was living in Berlin at the time and decided to go to Poznan, in Poland to get them fixed.

I had saved 12000 Euros to study at the time but decided to used the money for fixing the teeth. For over one year while working two jobs (I still could not give up on my dream to study in Japan, so I worked two jobs full time to save money）I went once a week to Poland and got various operations.

I was alone, and when tried to get comfort from my family, was basically ignore it. If everyone is wondering, I had 4 implants, got 9 roots canal and the rest are treated cavities. My doctor made an amazing job and I am deeply grateful. But was painful and scary.

2. A week after finishing my teeth, I found out I had a myoma and needed an operation in my uterus. I had the operation in 2022 and said nothing to my family in Italy because I honestly did not want them to worry.

3. When my grandpa passed in January he left me 7000 Euros, but I am giving my mum excuses because I don't want to get the money. I feel guilty since I am not helping and honestly I feel like I don't deserve it.

Here's what people had to say in response to OP's update:

Competitive_Ninja668 wrote:

Personally I would go. And you sound like you need professional help. Respectfully.

Low_Armadillo3366 wrote:

People don’t “need professional help” because they choose not to put themselves in precarious situations with manipulators who will likely use it to manipulate them…OP’s mother already abused her once before when her dad was suffering from a stroke.

She will likely do it again with Grandma, except now, OP would be trapped in another country, guilt trip tripped into leaving on bad terms or staying, having to leave their important job behind, to help their family with funeral planning, etc.

When people prove they are THAT selfish, that they will take out their grief or anger on their child, who is also suffering because their father is the one who’s ill, then they can never be trusted again. There is no growing from that.

ParticularStable1515 wrote:

YTA this is a YOU issue. You need to seek ways to learn to cope, even if it means stepping away when people "trigger" you. If you think you can or if you think you can't that is your answer.

The whole world doesn't stop, when having "feelings" because it upsets 1 person. Place yourself in the dying person's shoes who really wants to see you before they pass. Everyone has triggers & feelings you are not special nor entitled, just selfish and not visiting will haunt you the rest of your life.