Man questions relationship after learning longtime girlfriend slept with ex after first date. AITA? + Update
"AITA for not wanting to romanticize my partner and I’s first date after finding out she slept with someone else a week later?"
lammahawk
My gf and I have been dating for a year now and we have has an awesome connection since day one. Our first date was amazing, we sat down and started talking like we had known each other our entire lives.
Both of us have expressed to each other that was the best first date we had ever been on and she had even expressed that it was the happiest night since moving into the city we live in (three years) and even went as far as saying it was the best night of her life.
About 5 months ago though, I found out that she had s3x with a guy she used to date the weekend after our first date while I was out of town for work. We had a second date planned and had planned to talk on the phone that weekend to finalize those plans.
Although objectively we weren't exclusive, when I found this out I was taken aback and hurt after being under the impression that she didn't do things like that especially after expressing how amazing a time she had on our first date.
Since then I've forgiven for what happened but she recently sent me a picture of her outfit the night of our first date (as a 1 year memory) and wanted to reminisce positively about the night.
I didn't respond to the message and she asked if I didn't like the picture. To which I responded that it just made me sad and I explained that the magic of our first date is gone after finding out she hooked up with someone shortly afterwards.
She was extremely upset by me saying this and claims that it proves I don't forgive her and will never get over that happening. I tried explaining that I do forgive her but just don't want to overly romanticize our first date anymore. AITA?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
AfraidBonus1964
OP, not the AH. You can forgive someone but not wanna be reminded of something like that. You just wish to focus on the present. That first date reminder leaves a bittersweet taste. I would also not wanna be reminded if I were in your shoes.
Overencucumbered
Very well said. I actually experienced this first hand. Best first date (3 dates to be exact). We both agreed we had an amazing connection, and the best s3x of our lives, and wanted something more from each other.
No talk about going exclusive yet, though I said I didn't want to think about her with other guys. The very next day after our third date she had a guy over for 4 days, sleeping with him.
She lied about it, and I only found out 2 months later. Needless to say, the memory of our first time together was crippled - for me. I just can't date multiple people like that, and don't really feel a desire to date people that do.
90s-kid-nostalgia
NAH. Personally, I dont think his gf did anything wrong at the time if they weren't exclusive, but that also doesn't mean he has to like what happened. Everyone views s3x differently and for some people s3x isn't just s3x, it means more.
She can have technically done nothing wrong, and he can wish to not think about that time as he felt differently about the situation both then and now, and neither are wrong. They should just live in and enjoy the now and the relationship they have built over the last year.
blz4200
You’re not an AH for feeling how you feel.
I_HateYouAll
So, my fiancée have a somewhat similar story. Our first date was 5ish hours of talking and getting to know one another, and was (for both of us) a fantastic time. At the end, I was too nervous to kiss her and she was left a little unsure of my position. We set a second date soon after, yet around this time she hooked up with a casual friend of hers. I was also really hurt to learn this.
What I think about is that while our first date WAS fantastic, it does not mean you drop everything and dive in - I’m not a hookup person but I was reticent to start another relationship too. We weren’t exclusive and she was allowed to do as she pleased.
Our second date was great and from there on we were exclusive. Now, we’re getting married on the same exact day as our first date. Is there a part of me that doesn’t love the memory? Sure. Does it matter? No. I don’t love all the choices she’s ever made, but I love her more than anything and accept the good and bad. It’s in the past.
frolicndetour
Finally, a reasonable take. The fact is that we've all had magical, amazing first dates that have never gone anywhere. I had one and we planned a second date and then I got ghosted.
He reached out to apologize a couple years later because he was having mental health issues. Like it's easy to look back when the relationship succeeds to say, oh, you should have known THIS was the one that was for real and you should have halted all other contact with the opposite s3x immediately but...that's not how dating works.
The OP then returned to say:
lammahawk
Thanks for the insightful responses. I think it's worth noting I'm not debating whether sleeping with someone else was ok or not (objectively it IS ok because we weren't exclusive), I'm asking specifically about if not wanting to romanticize the first date is wrong.
It seems everyone has differing opinions on sex and exclusivity and everyone's relationship is different in this sense and should be communicated accordingly. To the people calling my partner a floozy. She is not. Whether you think her doing that is a mistake is entirely your perogotive but basing a women's entire persona on one instance is unfair and unjustified.
That's also not what the post was about. The post was about our interaction about reflecting on our first date, not a judgment of her decision to sleep with someone else after it. Please reel it back in.